Waking Ned Page #6

face the authorities alone.

How much has been won?

And so we move on

to the claim itself.

The total amount

of the jackpot...

the total which will be claimed

and divided into shares

of 52...

is 6,894,620 pounds.

What changed your mind?

You're no good

to me in prison.

130,000 pounds each.

If they come, they'll be

coming for the money...

not for the spirit of

Ned Devine, I'm sure.

And if it's claimed

and spent at all...

he'll rest in peace.

And if you go to prison...

this will be our last night

together for ten years.

Then let's not

waste it sleeping.

If I had money

enough to spend

And leisure time

to sit a while

There is a fair maid

in this town

That surely has

me heart beguiled

Her rosy cheeks

and ruby lips

I own she has me

heart enthralled

Will you bring us

up a cup of tea?

Annie, is there any milk?

You'll have to go

to the post office.

Lord.

- Good morning to you.

- How you doing?

Good morning.

Right.

Good luck.

- Hello.

- Hello, Kitty.

Now, Kitty,

do you remember who I am?

I do. I do, Michael.

You're Ned Devine.

Good girl, yourself.

Give her a drink, Annie.

Oh, thank you.

Now, I'll sign

on one condition.

Well, Kitty, we'd not really

counted on conditions.

Oh, it's only a

very small one, Jackie.

Go on.

Of course you can.

That's no problem at all.

Oh, thank you, Jackie.

There we are.

Number thirty-eight.

We're nearing

the finishing line.

Well done, Kitty.

Thank you, Michael.

Bye-bye.

Was it a big condition, Jackie?

Not at all. You're having

dinner with her next week.

- Hey, careful.

- Hey, hey.

Hey, Dennis, you just jumped

the queue. What is it?

- Jackie, it won't work.

- What?

We're claiming a check

that can't be cashed, Jackie.

Ned doesn't have

a bank account.

What?

Now, I used to

work at the bank.

It's not easy cashing

such a mighty check.

Did you think Mrs. Kennedy would

cash it seven million at the post office?

We open a check account

in advance, off-shore...

maybe Jersey and

deposit 50 pounds.

Now, it's a joint account...

in the name of Ned Devine

and Jackie O'Shea.

- I'll pretend to be Ned...

- Slowly.

Well, you be yourself.

Now, the account's

open a week.

Jackie puts Ned's check in.

He then uses his own signature

on the joint account...

to share out the winnings.

It's legal?

It's as close as

you'd want to get, boy.

- Do you understand it?

- Not a word.

Sit just there and keep

looking at the water.

- Where?

- Just there.

And what am I supposed

to be looking for?

Just sit there and keep quiet.

Maurice, do you think

Father Mulligan will approve...

of all this lotto business when

he gets back from Lourdes?

If you fill the collection box

and mend the church roof...

he'll be over the moon.

- Do you think so?

- I do.

What about Tullymore?

I mean, what happens if

everyone decides to move away...

and set up somewhere more

glamorous with their winnings?

No, the winnings will be

spent at Fitzgerald's.

A hundred thousand in the pub.

Jesus.

It's probably

being spent already.

Vodka tonic,

gin and tonic, Baileys.

There you go.

Where's Tommy's Baby Cham?

All right, all right.

I'm coming now.

Would you give me a chance?

I've only the one pair of hands.

Just a minute. Hold on, hold on.

Who's paying for this?

Who's paying for

this lot now?

- I will!

- I will!

I never thought

I'd see the day.

We should give

her the day.

The sun's almost set.

I'm calling.

Are we done?

Michael,

is your phone working?

Oh, God, no. They're all

down since the storm.

We're missing one.

But the village is

already celebrating.

It's Lizzy Quinn.

Lizzy Quinn, the witch.

God, if the village finds out,

she'll burn.

All right, that's far enough.

We don't want to frighten her.

Right, what have we got?

I've her toaster here.

It's all mended and tested.

- Good man.

- I've got some cat food.

Grand. And I've got

something for her meself.

Will I make you

a nice cup of tea, Lizzy?

No.

Should Jackie get the

fire going for you?

I'm not cold.

I brought you a little treat

here to have with your tea.

There we go.

Some nice coconut creams.

No, thank you.

So you came to get

my name on your paper?

Yours is the only

one missing, Lizzy.

Sure the whole village

is waiting for the news.

Give me your list.

And I am the only one missing,

you say?

You are.

Lizzy, 'twould be good

for the village.

Did you know that if you

report a fraud to the lotto...

you get ten percent

of the winnings?

Have you spoken to the lotto?

I'm not stupid enough...

to be bought by your

coconut creams...

and I'm not stupid

enough to call the lotto...

but ten percent

is 670,000 pounds.

Oh, Lizzy, how could you

bear to live in the village...

if you did a thing like that?

The whole lot of us

will be in prison.

Well, there's your answer.

There'd be no one here

to be bothered by.

You see, I'm after more

than a nest egg, Jackie...

and as I'm the only one

that hasn't signed...

I figure there's some

bargaining to be done.

You're a right witch,

aren't you, Lizzy?

This is my offer...

And in death be

there some peace.

An angel will cry

with choir and sing...

to lift out the spirit

that purity brings. Amen.

Amen.

So she'll sign for

a million, then?

A million?

She'll sign for the same as

us or get nothing at all.

- What if she calls the lotto?

- Will we call it off?

Don't mind her, boys.

She's trying it on.

Please be seated.

We are gathered here today...

to celebrate the life

of Ned Devine.

Ned Devine meant

something to you all.

And there in his passing...

he has made sure

that he has left...

a little something for you all.

Hello?

When we think

of Ned's life...

when we think of the manner

in which he was taken from us...

we may find ourself thinking

that he was taken unfairly.

As we look back

on the life of...

As we look back

on the life of...

Ah-choo!

Who is he?

Michael O'Sullivan

was my great friend...

but I don't ever remember

telling him that.

The words that are

spoken at a funeral...

are spoken too late for

the man that is dead.

What a wonderful

thing it would be...

to visit your own funeral.

To sit at the front

and hear what was said.

Maybe to say a few

things yourself.

Michael and I

grew old together.

But at times,

when we laughed...

we grew younger.

If he was here now...

if he could hear

what I say...

I'd congratulate him

on being a great man...

and thank him

for being a friend.

Steady.

Oh, for God's sake.

He must've been a great man,

this Michael fellow.

He had his faults.

Hello there, Ned.

You well?

Not bad, Jim.

Not bad.

Jackie. I'm sorry about

interrupting like that earlier.

Jackie knows about

our business here, Jim.

Good. I'm glad you have

a friend you can confide in.

And will you be making

your inquiries today?

Oh, no.

There's no need.

The village says you're Ned.

That's good enough for me.

I can issue you

the check today.

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