Waking Up in Reno

DARLENE:

You know, relationships can be

a lot like a loaf of bread.

At the beginning,

they're hot and fresh,

and you can always get a rise.

But with time, if you don't

knead 'em carefully,

they grow old and stale.

Now, I know that life

ain't no Easy-Bake oven.

But with the kids

and my husband's job,

it's almost as if we've

forgotten to add the yeast.

So I'm hoping this trip to Reno

with our best friends,

Candy and Roy,

will be just what

the doctor ordered.

"F"...

"L"...

"O"...

Can't you see it, Darlene?

No. It's kinda hard

to make out.

[Sighs]

I think I'm just nervous, doc,

'cause Lonnie Earl and I have

got to go on vacation tomorrow,

and I'm just not real good

about leavin' home.

[Beep]

WOMAN:
Stacey Regal,

call the operator.

Okay.

All right, baby.

Move that sign.

I'm tryin' to sell

some cars here.

Hey, Lonnie Earl Dodd here.

Guess what, folks.

It's time for our annual

Presidents' Day Blowout sale,

and I gotta tell you,

I'm feelin' rather patriotic.

And I guarantee we won't be

undersold by anybody,

and if you can't trust

ol' Lonnie Earl Dodd,

then you can't trust anybody.

All right now, Darlene.

Just go ahead

and use one or two of those

drops if you feel the need,

especially out there on that old

I-40 around the Mojave Desert.

[Chuckles]

You just go on and have yourself

a vacation.

Thanks, doc.

Roy?

DARLENE:
Hey, Roy!

Oh, I got to call Candy

and see if she's bringing

any nice clothes.

- She home?

- Yeah, yeah.

But I can't find that husband

of yours nowhere.

I've called all over the place,

and I can't rouse him.

Well, you know Lonnie Earl.

He's probably up to no good.

And if you can't trust me,

who can you trust?

And remember... if you can't

trust me, Lonnie Earl...

[Grunts, glass breaks]

Is there a problem?

You're damn right there is!

How come you got to take

a shower after?

Huh?

You feel dirty?

'Cause I sure as hell

feel dirty.

Oh, my God, Lonnie Earl.

We're filthy.

I'm not.

I'm Zestfully clean.

[Grunts, glass breaks]

Oh, sh*t!

How could you do that to me?!

One minute you're cryin'

on my shoulder about Darlene,

the next minute

you're bangin' me from behind!

Well, you told me

not to look at you.

[Telephone rings]

DR. TULE Y:
I got to send

the sample over to the lab.

Turn your head and cough.

[Coughs]

Don't waste your time

worryin' about it, though.

Y'all just go on

and enjoy your vacation.

Well, you know,

I guess you're right,

'cause I know worryin' about it

ain't gonna change nothin',

- is it?

- That's right.

So, uh... what y'all got

lined up?

Lonnie Earl's got a bet

with ol' Bill Moore

that he can eat this giant

ol' 72-ounce steak in Amarillo.

Horseshit.

Then we're gonna pop up

to the Grand Canyon,

'cause Darlene's always

wanted to see that.

And you know what a partier

Candy is.

She's lookin' for the night life

and the shows

and the gamblin' and all that.

But the big thing is,

we got tickets

to the Monster Truck Jam.

Yeah, yeah.

That sounds like a big time.

You know, Roy,

I could send the test results

over to Candy's folks,

let them know when they come in.

No. No, sir.

I don't want... them worryin'

or nothin',

so I'd like to be

the first to know.

Well, all right, then.

I'll just wait to hear from you.

And don't you worry.

I'll bet you that everything's

gonna be just fine.

WOMAN ON TV:

...Beautiful emerald...

[Dog whimpering,

metal rattling]

Oh...

Do you have to go outside,

Miss Thing?

[Dog whimpering]

Come on, sweetie.

Come on.

It's a bird. It's a plane.

No, it's Superman!

Lane Aaron Dodd, get your ass

down from there right now!

But I'm Superman!

Your butt's gonna be super red

if you don't do as I say.

[Mumbling]

WOMAN ON RADIO:

You know it was a lie

'Cause deep inside

mz heart...

Hey, good-lookin'!

- Jesus H. Christ, Roy.

- Oh, dear.

- Don't do that!

- I'm sorry, darlin'.

God, you almost made me piss

on the rug!

I'm sorry.

- Why are you so jumpy?

- I just...

What the hell are you doin' here

in the middle of the day?

Shouldn't you be at work?

Your daddy asked me

to run some errands for him,

so I thought I'd just kinda stop

by and see if you was ovulatin'.

[Music continues]

Well, I don't know if I am

or not.

Well, you're dressed

like you should be ovulatin'.

Hmm? [Laughs]

What?

Roy, no. Not right now.

Come on.

- That towel will come off...

- You should go to work.

Daddy will miss you, then

there'd be a lot of sh*t,

and he'll get pissed off...

Darlin', it ain't possible

for him not to get pissed off.

He ain't gonna have

no problem with it

if he thinks we're making

a grandbaby.

- Roy...

- Real quick?

Just a little quickie.

I can't do this right now,

God damn it.

- Very fast?

- I have...

I have a ton of sh*t to do.

I got to pack.

We got to leave tomorrow, baby!

Reno!

All right.

Candy...

What the hell happened

to our wedding picture?

Cat.

Too much catnip, you know?

- Murphy?

- Yes. Baby...

He must've mule-kicked

the dang...

...I have to tell you

somethin'.

Come over here.

- What?

- You ready?

- What?

- Okay.

So I've been thinkin', and...

You know what I really want to

do when we get to Reno?

Huh?

I want to renew

our wedding vows.

Why?

What for?

Because it's romantic, Roy.

A lot of people get married

where gambling is legal.

Well, one kinda does go

with the other, don't it?

[Laughs]

Oh, yes, baby.

And you know what?

It'd be so great

'cause it would be like

a brand-new start for us.

Like if either one of us

ever did anything in the past

that we'd like to change...

...it would just be erased.

Like, it won't count

no more, okay?

Well...

have I done somethin' wrong

I don't know about?

I mean, if I did, I'm sorry.

Oh, honey, no. No.

Well, what?

No, honey.

It's just something that I

really, really want to do.

Picture it...

Reno... with all

them bright lights...

and all the action.

Oh, baby,

it would be so perfect.

Please. Please, please, please,

please, please.

Well, hell, if it means

that much to you, I'm game.

Let's do it.

- Oh!

- [Laughs]

Thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you.

Tell me.

I hate surprises.

Well, just see for yourself.

No.

You didn't.

- I did.

- Oh, zeah...

You sure did. Whoa!

- Oh, my Lord.

- Oh, zeah...

You did.

You horn dog, you.

See there?

Ain't she a beaut?

Dealer exclusive.

Anniversary special.

Boy, this son of a b*tch

has got everything on it

except electric dick massage.

I can't believe you, Lonnie.

Are we really gonna take this

across the country?

Hell, yeah, we're gonna take it

across the country.

It's got to cost a fortune!

Nothing's too good

for my friends.

We're gonna be ridin'

and stylin' and profilin'.

It smells loud.

[Sniffs]

That's probably that Corinthian

leather, is what that is.

- I would imagine.

- That's real leather?

Well, hell, yeah,

it's real leather.

- Dang me.

- You know what?

Besides that, I had Jerome

unhook the odometer.

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