Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story Page #9

...so we're not very close.

We can always cut around this

if it gets too pathetic.

Tell us about your kids.

I know you got a whole slew of them.

I'm locked in a custody battle

at this time.

Custody is being forced upon me,

which I don't think is right.

You know, if you don't want

the responsibility of children...

...you should be able to walk away...

...and apparently a couple of my

ex-wives don't feel the same. So, yeah.

Wherever my kids are, they're watching

The Dewey Cox Show...

...on Thursday nights at 8:00,

right after the local news.

And I just wanted to say

to everyone out there...

...I'm no longer mainlining acid

or smoking PCP.

It's official.

Okay. Why don't we lighten it up

just a bit here?

You're so busy, Dewey Cox, do you

have time to stop and smell the roses?

I've got no f***ing sense of smell.

All right, I'm done.

- Come on, folks. Do a little research.

- That would've been nice information.

I'm sorry, I must be tired

from the show or something.

- It's okay.

- Yeah, Dewey, it's okay.

No, it's not okay.

I should be able to do this.

We're in no rush.

Should we get an

American Indian woman?

No, that won't help. I mean,

it should already be pretty exciting.

There's three of you.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Dewey.

- Nate?

You were supposed to be double great.

What the f*** is this bullshit?

- I know.

- All I'm asking...

...is that you write one

masterpiece...

...that is the culmination

of your entire life.

How hard is that?

I'm empty, Nate. What do I do?

Dewey, who's the one person in your

life who's made you feel like sh*t?

- Pa.

- You need to talk to him, Dewey.

- I don't know.

- You need to hug him.

I have been putting this off

my entire life...

...but I think you might be right.

The wrong kid died

Hello, Pa.

What do you want?

I feel like there's some things

I need to say to you.

Well, go on. Talk.

I've realized that...

...I never really said I was sorry

for what happened with Nate.

Pa, I've spent my entire life...

...trying to find love with wives...

...and hotel clerks...

...and tollbooth attendants...

...and giraffes and monkeys

and trampolines...

...and men who dress like women

and men who look like you.

And I realized the only person

I've ever really wanted to love me...

...was you, Pa.

Dewey, I don't know what to say.

You don't have to say anything, Pa.

I just wanted to come here

and tell you that I loved you...

...and I always have.

I appreciate you finding the courage

to say that, Dewey.

But there's only one way

to settle this.

- Machetes.

- What?

The right kid is gonna die tonight.

You've been practicing!

No, Pa. No!

I been waiting for this

for a long time!

You have?

Oh, no.

Oh, my goodness!

I halved myself.

Pa! No, Pa!

Dewey, I guess I never realized

until this moment...

...just how easy it is to accidentally

cut someone in half.

It is, right?

I'm sorry for blaming you, Dewey.

Of course you didn't mean

to cut Nate in half.

It's all so obvious now.

Pa.

I should've been a better father

to you, Dewey.

I wish I spent more time

playing catch with you...

...and less time training my body

and mind to kill you in a machete fight.

You be a better father

than I was, Dewey.

I'll try, Pa.

It shouldn't be that hard.

In case I don't make it...

Pa! You're gonna make it!

It's the 1970s!

They got all kinds of new procedures

that can attach tops to bottoms now!

Hang in there! You're gonna be fine!

I reckon you're probably right.

Now, go call the doctor...

...and bring me some ice, a lot of ice.

- Some ice.

And a tourniquet.

Don't forget a tourniquet.

- All right, ice and a tourniquet?

- Ice and a tourniquet.

- And a tourniquet.

- Don't forget that tourniquet.

And you know those three words

you always wanted to hear, Dewey?

Well, here they are.

I love...

You love what?

Pa, you love what?

What was the third word?

Come on, one more word!

No!

I want all you f***ing parasites

out of my house...

...right now!

I said, everybody out!

Well, look at you,

you arrogant cocksucker.

- How dare you.

- What happened to you, Dewey?

I don't know what's happened to me,

but I know what happened to you.

Patrick Duffy took a beating.

Stop it, Dewey, you son of a b*tch.

Stop it! Patrick Duffy was only

saying what we were all feeling.

You get the hell away from me,

Cheryl Cox-Tiegs!

If you tear that sink off the wall,

I'm leaving you.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

I'm leaving you, Dewey Cox.

No!

Dad?

Yes, what is it, son?

I was just wondering

if you wanna have a catch.

A catch?

Son...

...there is nothing in this world

I want more...

...than to have a catch with you.

Son, forgive me,

this is going to sound strange...

...but what is your name again?

I'm Dewey Junior,

but my friends call me "Dewdrop."

Well...

It's nice to formally meet you,

Dewdrop.

So this is catch.

This is what I been missing out

on all them years on the road, huh?

I like it, it's wonderful. You throw

it to me, I throw it back to you.

It's so simple, and yet so powerful.

Boy, you're really terrible

at this game.

Well, I mean, you never really

played with me before.

How am I supposed to learn?

A boy needs a dad.

Yes, he does.

Well, I reckon we got some lost time

to make up, you and me.

And all your brothers and sisters.

How many of you are there?

Twenty-two brothers and sisters. And

also 14 half-brothers and half-sisters.

Holy sh*t.

This may take a while.

That's real good.

So beautiful.

Are you sure you're one of mine?

Go ahead and taste some dirt.

That's good dirt. That's good dirt.

On the surface,

Macbeth is about revenge.

But what is the subtext?

A power struggle for the Scottish

royal family, that's what it is.

I just gave you it.

That one's a mulligan.

Yeah.

Hello, Dewey.

Darlene.

It's Dewina's birthday. I brought her

a present. It's a bracelet.

How's Glen Campbell?

He and I split up a long time ago.

Really?

It's just me these days.

At age 50.

Would you care to take a walk

with me, Darlene Madison?

I haven't been playing much music.

I realize now I wasn't much of a father

when I was out on the road.

Now this is what makes me happy.

Not the music, not getting high...

...just my family.

That's all I care about.

And that family is missing one piece,

Darlene.

My God, you're as beautiful

as the day I met you.

You don't want this dirty old Cox.

Oh, I want it more than ever.

Did you wash your hair today?

I sure did. How could you tell?

It smells terrific.

I smelt it.

You mean?

I smelt it!

I can smell again!

I smelt it!

- I smell you.

- Smell it.

Oh, you've been driving me wild.

I smelt it! I smelt it!

I smelt it, God!

It's a miracle!

I smell you, flowers.

I smell you, twig.

I smell horseshit!

It's horrible!

- But I can smell it!

- Smell that sh*t, baby!

I smelt it.

Anyway, that's when I learned...

...that Quaaludes and water-skiing

do not mix.

Now, you remember that.

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