Walk of Fame

Seventeen past the hour

of 8:
00 with TNT.

We check your traffic

every ten minutes.

Here's Mike Nolan,

KFI in the sky.

Good morning, Tracy. Still busy

southbound on the Hollywood.

It'll be a struggle from

Hollywood blvd toward Alvarado.

But overall, I think you'll

enjoy this Monday morning ride.

Oh, man.

Ah, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t, my f***ing keys.

Oh, f***!

Yes. I'd like to thank you

for your order.

You should receive your

groom your Booty

limited edition workout videos

in two to three weeks.

Yes. Okay.

Hey. How are the calls today?

I got the Booty calls,

you got the tech support.

Your stereotypical rubbish

handed down by your bourgeoisie.

Think she saw me come in late?

She definitely didn't see you

come in on time, drew.

Thank you for calling

vantage light bulb.

How may I brighten up your day?

Start by telling me why I've

got an entire Christmas tree

that won't light up.

Who makes light bulbs

that don't light up?

Sir, I don't actually

make the lights.

I just try to provide a solution

for your problem.

Now, are your lights

properly plugged in?

Young man, I am a retired

electrical engineer

with the United States military.

Yes, and thank you for that.

So your lights

are properly plugged

into an electrical outlet?

Oh!

An electrical outlet!

Thank you, Benjamin Franklin!

All this time, I had them

plugged into my dog's ass!

Get me a supervisor, you idiot!

Do you read the news, drew?

Sometimes.

How about the wall street parts?

On occasion.

I don't think you do

because if you did,

you'd realize that this country

is in a financial crisis.

It's on the brink of a national

economical depression.

It's gotten so bad

that only one in twelve people

are gainfully employed.

Gainfully?

I would think that

the lucky few who have jobs

would be bending over

with gratitude.

- I...

- Uh...

Are you bending, drew?

I try and bend.

Well, I don't see any bending.

With a, uh,

oh, a 49% call rating,

I'm gonna go with no bending.

I'll try to bend more.

Oh, you will bend, drew.

All eight hours of every shift,

you will bend over

and take everything I give you.

Think of a... oh!

Think of a happy little giraffe.

Ooh, ooh! He's running.

He's running through

a field in Africa.

Oh, oh, oh!

He sees a tree with some leaves.

Mmm! Oh, he's eating them.

Aah! He's eating the leaves,

but it's not leaves, drew!

It's your a**hole!

Get back out there!

Put the headset on your ears.

Act like you give a damn

about your job!

Where did you get this?

They're all over the Internet.

This isn't me, ebony.

Oh! That's not you?

That's my face, not my body.

So do you have a twin sister

that you never mention?

Zip it, Hugo!

Zipping.

Human resources is investigating

as we speak.

Human resources? I don't have

time to talk about this.

I gotta go pre-board.

You are not going anywhere.

They have grounded you

until the investigation

has wrapped.

This is my job.

Nikki, I've got direct orders.

You are suspended indefinitely

without pay.

Now, I need your wings.

Clipped.

You obviously do not need these,

fairy boy.

At least I have wings.

Every day I feel like

I'm in prison in there.

Yeah, but prison is prison

'cause you don't get a break.

- It's a metaphor.

- You mean an analogy?

I mean I hate my job.

Lots of people

hate their job, man.

And my roommate.

Roommates are roommates, dog.

You think it helps me to echo

what I say after I said it?

Echo? These are

words of affirmation.

I'm trying to help you

enjoy life, brother. Relax.

Life? This is not a life.

I live in a one-bedroom

apartment with a caveman.

I failed the bar

for the second time now,

which means I gotta keep working

at the call center,

where Kathy wants to shove

a giraffe into my ass.

Damn. That does sound

like prison.

You might think it's funny,

but the civil rights movement

is no joke, drew.

We have a black president.

What more do you want?

I want my forty acres and my

f***ing mule. How about that?

Oh, my...

What the f*** are you doing?

- Perv!

- Oh, my god.

- Hey!

- F*** is his problem?

- Hey, are you okay?

- I think so.

What the hell was that?

Did you see him?

Yeah. He just pulled

his penis out.

Why didn't you do anything?

Well, it happened really fast.

Yes, hi. I need an officer.

I was just...

I don't know.

I was humped.

I'm not sticking around

to hear that sh*t, man.

African-Americans do not

fare well at crime scenes.

- Nate, you're overeating.

- No, I'm not.

Yes, he had a black face.

Mask, okay? He had a mask.

Not face.

Get that sh*t right.

Somebody report a hump and run?

Yes, officer, I did.

Is this the black face

that dry humped you?

- No, no, no.

- No, he's gone.

Put your hands in front of the

vehicle, where I can see 'em.

- What'd I do, officer?

- Or you will be tased.

This is racist, man.

He didn't do anything, officer.

- Who are you, sir?

- My name is drew Thomas.

Fantastic.

I'm officer who-gives-a-sh*t.

- What are you doing here?

- He's a witness.

- Oh, so you saw everything.

- I was standing right here.

And while the serial humper

was just hammering away,

you continued

to just stand there?

It happened really fast.

Okay, Nancy,

how about we start out with

a thorough physical description.

Well, I couldn't really

see his face.

Couldn't see? Because you didn't

have your contact lenses in?

No. I don't wear

contact lenses.

Because they irritate your eyes?

No, I don't need them.

You just hold on right there.

We're not done yet.

How many fingers

am I holding up?

One.

One and three halves.

That equals two and a half.

I'm afraid

you do need visual aids.

I didn't think

half fingers counted.

Just like you didn't think

a physical description

would be necessary

to apprehend the criminal.

Hey, officers, this is about me.

So while this citizen

was happily complacent,

were you able

to secure any details?

Yes, and I already told you

he had a black face.

Mask, goddamn it!

- Hey, you shut your mouth!

- It was a mask.

You wanna get tased?

Just get the hell out of here.

Thank you, officer.

You know what?

My work is done here.

To make it official, ma'am,

please fill out that form

and mail it

to the address below.

That's it? She just mails it

and then just waits?

Affirmative.

Or you can do it for her

if you're not just

still standing here.

Really?

Hope you have a better

rest of your day, ma'am.

Ready, rookie?

I get fired for naked pictures

and humped by a dog in a mask.

That's normal, right?

Naked pictures?

Now I'm late for class.

Just keeps getting better.

For the naked pictures or...

You know what? Forget about it.

Forget about this too.

Really? I could fill this out

for you and totally call you.

No. Just pretend you got good

Karma coming your way, right?

Right.

"Evan Polus.

Starmaker academy."

Evan, hi! This is Sara!

I did it!

I walked in the room

and killed it.

See ya soon, or should I say,

"you'll see me soon."

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