Walk of Fame Page #2

Evan, Mr. Polus, it's al.

I just had my final callback on

that boxing film. They want me!

I used all your techniques,

and I killed. You're a genius.

I'm gonna blow this town away.

Whoo!

Darren Hughes here

from Mulholland productions.

Just had two more of your

people drop by my office.

Listen, I haven't seen talent

like that since,

well, let's be honest, ever.

See, if I had a beer for

every one of these messages,

this entire room

would be foaming

in the suds of drunkenness.

Now, you people sit here longing

to be intoxicated by stardom.

How the hell are you

gonna make it

like these people on my machine?

Well, folks, it's simple.

You're gonna do exactly

what I tell you to do.

Now, you want to get smart and

do your own thing, all right.

But please, don't come

running back to daddy

after you've been

chewed up and spat out

onto the urine-filled streets.

I'm the only person in this town

who can take you

right to the top, baby.

Now, the sooner you realize

how lucky you are

to be here under my tutelage,

the sooner you people

will be shining brighter

than the big f***ing Dipper.

So...

Watch out, NASA.

It's time to discover

some new stars.

That little Daisy Duke outfit

got me going.

Damn, if I were you, I'd get

ahold of that ass quick.

That's amazing advice,

as per usual.

Without her job,

she's gonna need a new pilot.

I could be your copilot, drew.

We can fly her into some

international territory.

What does that even mean?

This is your copilot

checking in.

We're clear for takeoff.

Expect a bouncy ride

with hella turbulence, you know?

Just like that.

You are sick.

Tell me again why you didn't

get her number?

Oh, I know exactly

where to find her.

Why did you leave me here

so soon, Michael?

You're my best friend.

You're my best friend.

You're my best friend.

You're my best friend, Michael.

Jesus!

Dude, what?

Who is Michael?

Apparently an overdose victim.

He was your best friend.

No.

It's from a monologue.

Do you knock?

Who's that man in the mirror?

What?

That man in the mirror

is you, drew.

He's your best friend

now that Michael has passed.

He's always there.

And sometimes

he is all you have.

Thank you for that, Hansel.

Can you please shut my door now?

No. No, I don't think

you get it, Hugo.

I need something different.

Something strange.

What are you laughing at?

No, I'm not.

Wanna open the door?

Okay.

Here you go.

Close it.

Close it!

Oh, my god!

Get off of me!

You like this?

Get off of me!

Get the f*** off me!

I can hold you all day, woman.

Let me go!

Get the f*** off me,

you big b*tch!

- Stop!

- What are you doing?

Drew? Oh, my god!

Dammit, dammit, dammit!

No, babe, you got this,

you got this.

Stay in the moment, Nikki.

Keep it. Use it!

I think I'm still warm.

I think I'm still warm.

Yeah. I'm gonna go

unleash the beast.

Oh, f*** yeah, b*tch.

Blow 'em away, baby.

- Here it comes!

- Blow 'em away, baby!

Yeah!

I was warming her up, you idiot.

Newbie class is that way.

You'll never be a star.

Cocksucker!

Good evening!

And welcome to the world famous

Starmaker academy!

Brace yourselves

for your group numbers.

1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3...

Uh, shh...

Tonight you'll be stripped

to the barest

of your vulnerable bones.

Studies have found that most

people would rather not live

than speak in front

of a live audience.

Well, you are the brave.

Que se dice, my brotha?

What...

That's Italian for hello.

Sei de Ce CIA Dito!

Move.

That's Italian for "you're late!

Sit down, please!"

What?

As I was saying,

you will be standing here

delivering your monologue

that you have chosen

that will accentuate

how far, how deep,

how wide your potential

as an actor should be.

The great Evan Polus has

interested me as his gatekeeper

to determine

who gets in his class

and who get stopped

short of stardom.

If your group succeeds,

you will advance

to Evan Polus' class

and have the opportunity

to be in Hollywood's

greatest showcase ever.

Do you wanna work

eight, ten f***ing hours?

You own nothing.

You got nothing.

Do you know I eat octopus

three times a day?

I've got octopus coming

out of my f***ing ears.

I got the f***ing Russian shoes,

and my feet is coming through.

Hey, I'm no f***ing

criminal, man.

I'm Tony Montana,

political prisoner from Cuba,

and I want my f***ing

human rights now.

What a dork!

Good job, Rowe.

That sh*t sucked!

As you can see, no one

can become a star overnight.

It is an evolution.

Even Brad Pitt was

a pathetic little lungfish.

Then we made him a star.

Brad Pitt didn't go here.

I don't know, did he?

Mr. Italy, do you have a name?

Rubisio Uccellini.

And I have a lot more

than just a name.

Beautiful.

Let the evolution begin.

Max calls me up and says,

"Que Ce dice, my brotha?

I think I got heat.

Stay on this cell phone

with me."

He comes out of his driveway

and says,

"oh! I think they're coming from

every direction, my brotha!

I got bags full of money

just buried in my lawn."

So that night,

I'm out there with a flashlight

just digging up bags of money!

The end.

Uccellini! Ha ha!

Good job, Rubisio.

Uh, quick question.

Our assignment

was to prepare a monologue

from a narrative film, right?

Right.

That was from a documentary.

Who the hell are you?

It's a monologue

taken from an amazing movie,

the cocaine cowboys.

Which was a documentary

with live interviews,

so there weren't actually

actors in it.

It was real.

John Wayne was cowboy!

He was a real cowboy.

So if you're not a fan

of real movies,

then you're probably

not gonna be a fan

of all the other real sh*t

that I have for you.

Cut!

Let's see what you got,

Shakespeare.

The director has yelled cut!

Now, class, self-control

is an important aspect

of this business.

Sometimes it's okay

to punch a thrust.

Other times, you need

to punch a thrust.

Yes, chance.

Did John Wayne

really smoke cocaine?

I'm right here, chance.

And no, John Wayne

was not a cocaine cowboy.

Can my monologue be John Wayne?

Did you prepare

a John Wayne monologue?

The title of my monologue

is "Ruby."

Ruby. Ruby.

What is Ruby?

Ruby is an Italian guy

who is in my acting class.

He thinks he's really big

and macho.

But if Ruby had

half the cock I have,

he wouldn't have to be

so macho, would he?

Que dice, Beeyotch!

Um, uh...

Give me back my family, f***er!

You know, one time, I...

I had to be in a little play,

and I...

I swallowed the harmonica.

They had to give me

the hemlock treatment.

Why'd you leave me here

all alone?

You were my best friend,

Michael.

Scene?

Who's next?

Ah.

How 'bout you?

Tears just streamed down

my tired eyes.

And then he came.

And he kissed me.

And with a ring on my finger

and in a promise in my heart,

I can say that I am loved.

Alas...

I am finally loved.

Scene.

Brilliant.

Not a single string in my heart

was unstrung.

I feel like I was ridden hard

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