War of the Buttons

(Woman) In Ireland,

I grew up in a tiny village by the sea.

It was here that my best friend, a boy,

was fighting with another boy,

who lived in the next village.

Sounds silly,

but they were always fighting.

Typical boys.

Come on!

Wait, wait, wait for me.

Fellas, hang on!

- (All) Father!

- (Bike bell)

(All talk at once)

Only 1 0p, Father.

(Priest) Get out of it.

(Boy) Let`s try the wharf.

- Morning, Father.

- Marie.

Come on!

Wanna buy some tickets for the draw?

It`s for the hospital in Skibb. The master,

he says you never know the moment.

That`s true enough,

but you`re too late, son,

the Carrickdowse boys

have beaten you to it.

The Carrick boys,

what are you buying off them for,

when your own kids are stuck with them?

We`re loaded up with tickets, son,

you can ask so much of a man

and no more.

Isn`t that the god`s truth?

We`ve more tickets than fish. (Laughs)

Jonjo, they won`t have reached him yet.

- Jonjo!

- We`ll catch him at the bridge.

Thanks for nothing, you mean scabs!

Hoy!

Wait till I talk to your father.

- Jonjo!

- Jonjo!

Jonjo, wait up!

- Jonjo!

- Jonjo, wait up!

- Jonjo!

- Jonjo!

- Jonjo!

- (Beeps horn)

- Jonjo!

- (All talk at once)

Buy some tickets?

Hey, you lot!

- Beat it!

- Get back to Carrick.

You know what that line stands for.

Keep on your own side

and leave our postman alone.

Rubbish, he`s nobody`s postman.

He belongs to everyone.

He`s ours till he leaves Ballydowse.

Yeah, this half of the bridge is ours.

When he`s on your side, you have him,

till then, keep your hands off.

- Yeah, keep your stinkin` hands off.

- What did you say?

Keep your stinkin` hands off.

Whose stinkin` hands?

- Oi!

- Ahh! Leave me alone.

- l`ll tell Fergus, Fergus`ll kill you.

- Fergus isn`t here, is he, you little wanker.

(Shouting)

Help!

Help me!

Get Fergus!

Fergus! Fergus!

Fergus, the Carricks, on the bridge.

They`ve got Little Con.

You wanna go in, eh?

You wanna go for a swim?

No! Help me! Help!

Someone! No! Help!

Help!

And what was that about my hands?

Nothing, nothing!

- (All shouting)

- Here, cut that out.

- Help!

- Hey!

- (Whistles)

- Geronimo.

You lucky little maggot.

Now clear off, tosspot,

run off home to Mammy.

(All laugh and jeer)

(Marie) Too late.

(Fergus) Yeah.

Great!

(Little Con) Con?

(Big Con) What?

(Little Con) What does tosspot mean?

(Big Con) I don`t know. Come on.

Here... Right here.

I know what a pot is.

We all know what a pot is,

and toss.

It`s not the words,

it`s what they mean together that counts.

Come in.

Please, sir, how many swearwords

do you know?

- What makes you think I know any?

- You`re grown-up.

Me daddy knows hundreds.

Well, then,

you best put your problem to him.

(Girl) Hey! Watch it.

Who cares what it means?

It`s how bad it is that matters.

If it`s really bad, we`ve got to

come up with something worse.

- Sir doesn`t even know what it means.

- You never said it to him, did you?

I never said it, not to his face.

- (Bike bell)

- (Priest) Out of the way, boys.

Good work, Little Con.

Gerard.

Do you like lollipops?

See the church?

Go tell the priest... (Whispers)

(Bell)

Now we`ll see

how bad the bloody word is.

(Quietly) Tosspot, tosspot,

tosspot, tosspot.

(Master) Pitiful. Pitiful effort.

(Whispers) Hey, Tim, any sign yet?

Not yet.

(Master) I hope the moment never arrives

for any of you.

Oi! Come back here!

- They`re off!

- (All) They`re off!

Hey! Get back to your seats!

- (Cheering)

- Get back to your seats now!

Oh!

(Priest) l`ll see your mother, you little lout.

On your way now!

On your way!

Seats, seats,

come on, come on, move it!

(All talking among themselves)

Got the paint?

- Lime green or electric blue?

- Forget the green, keep the blue.

- And l`ve got a torch.

- Great. What`s the time?

It`s 9:
15.

Hey, fellas, wait for me.

(Panting)

I`ve been feeding the calves,

l`m puffed out.

Keep it down.

Big Con is still to come.

Here he is now.

What`s he doing here?

This is a guerrilla operation,

it`s no place for kids.

Wasn`t it me

that was held over the water?

- He`s got a point.

- It was the only way we could get out.

We said we`d take the master his eggs.

- I thought your dad was on the boats.

- His mum keeps chickens.

- Is it herring they`re after?

- Hake.

- Shut up, the pair of you.

- l`m discussing his daddy`s catch.

You wanna talk fishin`,

get yourselves out.

We`ve a war on here,

concentrate.

OK. Only the bridge is in the open,

we clear it as quick as we can.

After that, we cut through the woods.

I`m not going through any woods!

These trousers are brand-new.

Then get off home to your mammy.

- Says who?

- I do. I`m leading this expedition.

Why you?

We haven`t had a vote yet.

- OK, all in favour of me, say aye.

- (All) Aye.

- (Dog barking)

- (Whispers) Take your shoes off.

(Dogs barking)

(Whispers) Come on.

(Door opens)

He`s coming.

Little Con, get out there, quick.

I can`t. I`m scared.

What`s there to be scared about?

You`re only a little kid with eggs. Go on!

So, it`s you, is it,

makin` all them dogs bark?

- Oh!

- (Eggs smash)

Are you all right? Hey?

Come over here

and we`ll have a look at you.

Come in, we`ll fix you up.

My brother...

They`ve got him.

He`s a prisoner of war.

- Thanks a bundle for bringing him.

- (Door slams)

- Who have you got there?

- I dunno.

- What`s his name?

- I don`t know, I can`t get a word out of him.

- Are you dumb, is it?

- Michael...

you`ve the bedside manner

of a bullock.

The poor little boy`s in shock.

Can`t you see that?

Yelling and bawling at him like that.

I wasn`t yelling and bawling at him.

I was enquiring.

God help us if you ever start,

the whole town`ll be tortured.

We have to find out

where he comes from,

walking around in the night with his eggs.

His father`ll be shouting

and roarin` round lookin` for him.

Give him time, the little boy`s had

a nasty shock, haven`t you, darlin`?

- l`ll get him something to buck him up.

- Michael, he`s only a child.

(Michael) I was taking whiskey

with me mother`s milk.

(Mother) Aye, and look at

the state of you now.

(Michael) Here you go.

He`s drinkin` whiskey in Geronimo`s house,

with himself and Gorilla at the table.

- Great!

- Great?

He`ll keep them busy.

Give us the paint.

Boffin, you come too,

l`ll need you for the spelling.

The rest of you, cover us.

Hold this, Boffin.

Are you sure, Fergus?

It`s a church. It`s a mortal sin.

Like I say, this is war.

(Laughs) A kid and a half this,

no mistake.

(Mother) How are you feeling, son?

I smashed me eggs.

It`s his eggs he`s fretting over.

Is that all it is?

Sure we`ve bushels of eggs.

Jerome, go out the back

and fill his box with eggs.

- What?

- Do as your mammy says.

- l`m not waiting on him.

- He`s busy, he`s doing his lessons, mister.

Busy? Well, you can give him a hand.

Eggs! Now, the pair of yous

and don`t argue.

- (Door bangs)

- Try makin` a bit more noise.

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