War of the Buttons Page #2

One for the road?

S.

S.

(Car approaching)

- (Hoots)

- (Whistles)

A car. Quick.

Finished.

Boffin, come on.

(Dogs barking)

Thanks. Good night.

(Michael) And mind them eggs now.

Yes.

(Loudly) In the merry month of May

From me home I started

Left the girls of Tuam

Nearly broken-hearted

Salute me father dear

Kiss me darlin` mother

Drank a pint of beer

Me grief and tears to smother...

My brother, he`s drunk as a skunk.

(All laugh)

To banish ghosts and goblins

(All) A brand-new pair of brogues

Rattled over the bogs

Frightened all the dogs

On the rocky road to Dublin

One, two, three, four, five

Hunt the hare

And turn her down the rocky road

And all the way to Dublin

Whacks fer al de da

In the merry month of May

From my home I started

Left the girls of Tuam

Nearly broken-hearted

Salute me father dear

Kiss me darlin` mother

Drank a pint of beer

My grief and tears to smother

Off to reap the corn

Leave where I was born...

(Church bell)

Hold it.

What`s happening?

Can you see any Carricks?

(Fergus) No, but they`ll be there.

Give us a look.

Hey, lads, I think I feel a bit woozy.

- Bad luck.

- (They laugh)

- Oh!

- Take cover!

That`s right, hide why don`t you?

Don`t show your ugly mugs,

the shock would sink our boat.

- What`s your problem, tosspot?

- We haven`t got a problem.

Have you finished scrubbing the paint

- from the old chapel board?

- (All laugh)

Scrubbin`? What would yous know about

scrubbin`, you dirty bunch of knackers?

(All laugh)

Does yer mammy still wash her knickers

in the kitchen sink?

She doesn`t have a kitchen sink.

Come on up to Carrickdowse,

we`ll lend you a bath.

A bath? Does it have

your rubber ducky in it, Gorilla?

(Laughter)

Does your mammy still powder your bum,

ya big girl`s blouse?

- (All laugh)

- You wait!

- Gorilla`s got a boulder.

- He hasn`t got the guts.

- Yeah?

- Oh!

(All cheer)

Get us out of here, quick.

(All shouting and jeering)

(Makes clucking noises)

Tomorrow, after school,

at Murphy`s Dunes.

You die. D`you hear?

The whole flamin` lot of you.

(Jeering, clucking sounds)

Chicken! Chickens!

Sir`s coming.

Sir, those are our toilets.

Is that so?

(Running water)

(Gorilla) Two, four, six, eight,

who`s the pillocks that we hate?

(All) Ballys, Ballys, Ballys!

(Gorilla) Two, four, five, six,

who`s the boys that`s got `em licked?

(All) Carricks, Carricks, Carricks!

(Gorilla) Two, four, six, eight,

who`s the pillocks that we hate?

(All) Ballys, Ballys, Ballys!

(Gorilla) Two, four, five, six,

who`s the boys that`s got `em licked?

(All) Carricks, Carricks, Carricks!

(Gorilla) Two, four, six, eight,

who`s the pillocks that we hate?

(All) Ballys, Ballys, Ballys!

(Gorilla) Two, four, five, six,

who`s the boys that`s got `em licked?

(All) Carricks, Carricks, Carricks!

(Gorilla) Two, four, six, eight,

who`s the pillocks that we hate?

(All) Ballys, Ballys, Ballys!

(All cheer)

- Is that it?

- Is that the best you can do?

Where`s your mates?

I thought you came for a fight.

Maybe their mammies

wouldn`t let them out.

Who rattled your cage, Gorilla?

What`s up,

haven`t you had your bananas yet?

Well, chew on these

and shut your face.

Big boy now, eh?

You weren`t so full of lip on the bridge.

- Ah, belt up, monkey.

- Belt up?

Wait till I get down there,

l`ll flatten you!

Watch it, it`s a trap.

- You`re full of crap, apehead.

- Get back up your tree, Gorilla.

- Monkey, monkey, monkey.

- (Monkey noises)

I`ll kill you, l`ll kill you!

- Gorilla, get back! D`you hear me?

- l`ll kill you, l`ll kill you!

I`ll kill you!

Come on!

(Gorilla) l`ll tear your heads off.

Wait till I catch you, you`ll die!

- Now!

- Argh!

Come on!

- Charge!

- (Shouting)

Come on, get outta here.

Come on, get back, get up the hill.

What do we do about Gorilla?

- l`ll kill you!

- Leave him.

That`ll teach him

to obey my flamin` orders.

Up against the tree, lads.

(All laugh and jeer)

Don`t hurt me, don`t hurt me!

Stand back!

Give us your knife, Tich.

What are you gonna do?

Don`t hurt me, l`ll tell me dad.

(All laugh)

Well, now, me brave bullyboy,

what shall we cut off first?

- His ears.

- His tongue.

- His nose, cut off his nose.

- (All laugh)

I think wee Con

should have the right to choose.

His willy, cut off his willy.

(All laugh)

I`ll tell the priest.

Not without a tongue, you won`t.

What does it matter, bullyboy, eh,

ears, nose, tongue,

if a fella keeps his pride?

And you, my fine brave boy,

have nothing to be proud about at all.

(All cheer)

Now tell your daddy and the priest,

and tell your mate Geronimo,

tell them all what they`ll get if they mess

with the boys from Ballydowse.

(All cheer)

You haven`t seen the last of us.

(All laugh)

(Whispers)

Little Con, come here.

Hold out your hands.

Trophies from the Battle of Murphy`s Dunes.

(All cheer)

In the merry month of May

From my home I started

Left the girls of Tuam

nearly broken-hearted

Salute me father dear

Kissed me darlin` mother

Drank a pint of beer

Me grief and tears to smother...

Secondly, you need to be a citizen

of the country in question.

Thirdly, you must have reached

the ripe old age of 1 8, God help us,

and fourthly, your name

must be on the electoral roll.

Tonight they`ve challenged.

Jonjo brought a note.

Haven`t they had enough?

We`ll give them more.

Tell the others.

- Fergus?

- Sir?

We`re discussing democracy,

the civilised running of a civilised state.

Do you wish to take part or are

other considerations more pressing?

- Yes, sir. No, sir.

- l`m grateful.

Now, four points necessary

to qualify to vote - name them.

They concern citizenship, me bucko.

Freedom!

A condition you`re favourite to lose tonight

if you don`t at least take a plunge.

Not tonight, sir. Another night, eh?

Other nights don`t fit the bill. Have a go,

man. Where`s your fighting spirit?

Geography, sir,

you`ve got to know your geography.

Does one no harm, Pat,

to know your place in the world,

but that won`t get you a vote.

- You`ve got to belong to the country?

- Which country?

- lreland, sir, you`ve got to be lrish.

- Right on one.

Now, what else?

(Whispers) If he`s kept in, we`ve had it.

Number two, could you have a vote,

for instance?

(Whispers) Cos you`ve still

got no hairs on your bum.

- (All snigger)

- What`s that, Boffin?

Me, sir?

You`ve something to offer?

(Laughter)

Connor, stay in after school.

- No, sir!

- You too, Fergus, don`t argue.

- Sir, it was me.

- And you too. You live in a free country.

Men died to make it so and by God,

l`ll see you appreciate the fact.

- ldiots, we`re three light now.

- Do you think we should not go?

And let them think we`ve chickened out?

We`ve got to go. (Sighs)

(Church bell)

(Fergus) Come on, we`ll catch up with them.

Where are you going?

It`s your brother.

- Look at the state of him.

- Oh!

- What`s up with you?

- There was loads of them, all big fellas.

Where were you?

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