War on Everyone Page #5

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He's also a heterosexual man.

Well, good for you, honey.

You know, you should go

to the Blue Lagoon.

It's very refreshing.

I'm sure it is.

I go there a lot.

I'm sure you do.

I hope you choke on it.

So Reggie is gay, huh?

If Kimberly has a dick,

which I'm assuming she does,

then that would make Reggie gay, yes.

Possibly bisexual.

Well, what if Kimberly doesn't have...

Like, if she's already...

- Post-op?

- Yeah.

That's a good question.

That would make Kimberly a woman,

which would make Reggie straight.

- Would it?

- With an asterisk.

- But if Reggie is gay...

- Mmm-hmm?

...do you think

Reggie and Pdraic, they...

What the f*** is that,

the international symbol for sodomy?

You know exactly what this is.

You know, I don't think you're allowed

to do that in here.

In fact, I don't think you're allowed

to do that anywhere.

I've just realised

what you remind me of, Russell.

A bloody Cyclops.

I don't know what that means

and you know I don't.

You never read the Odyssey

at school, Russell?

You do surprise me.

I read it in the original Greek

when I was travelling through

the Peloponnese with my father.

I lost my f***ing eye!

Calm down.

You still have one good one.

I'm gonna f*** over

those f***ing a**holes...

No, you're not.

You're not gonna f*** over anyone.

They're still policemen, after all.

I don't wanna get into some kinda f***ing

contretemps with you, Your Lordship,

especially not in my condition.

But I do believe

you're being overly cautious.

Do you know who the greatest criminal

that ever lived is?

- No, I don't know.

- No, you don't.

Because if you did,

he wouldn't be the greatest criminal

that ever f***ing lived, now,

would he? Hmm?

F***, man, that's just the crack talking.

But to put your mind at ease,

I shall have a word with them.

Give them a little reducer,

as we say in good old England.

Yeah?

What if it doesn't take?

Eat your grapes, Russell.

Eat your grapes.

You shot his f***ing nuts off.

You shoot a guy in the cojones,

Bob, that shitbird's going down.

Who makes these things, anyway?

They're kinda racist.

Looks like Reggie.

Hey!

Where the hell have you two been?

Following up on a tip-off.

To where, f***ing Iceland?

- No, we were in Iceland!

- Yeah.

Bob, that sh*t's not funny any more.

Not that it was funny to begin with,

so I don't even know why I said that.

Anyway, during your unexplained absence,

I received a very serious

allegation of assault.

This Russell Birdwell character.

- F*** him!

- No, Terry!

F*** you!

How many times do I have to tell you?

His lawyer is threatening to have you

arraigned on attempted murder charges.

Murder charges? He was shooting at us,

for Christ's sake!

I gave him a couple of slaps.

- Oh.

- That's it. F***ing p*ssy.

Well, he claims

you failed to identify yourselves

as police officers,

which is why he fled the scene.

Those are what we call

mitigating circumstances.

The fact that you knocked out

one of his eyes

while beating him to a pulp,

those are not what we call

mitigating circumstances. Capisce?

I told you, Birdwell's part

of an ongoing investigation.

We're gonna get it cleared up in two days.

Well, you'd better,

cos this sh*t's not going away.

Meanwhile, I had to release the prick,

- pending further investigation.

- Oh, f*** me!

And I have had the hard word

from the powers that be.

So, do me a favour, fellas,

slowly, slowly catchee monkey. You got it?

Got it.

Hey, shorty.

Where can we find James Mangan?

Get the hell off this property!

Get off this property!

Get off this property!

What are you doing?

Oh, no, no, no!

Get back here, you little bastard!

Help!

He only comes up on weekends

to look over his horses.

He lives... He lives in town.

- Where in town?

- I don't know.

I don't know!

I swear to God!

I swear...

Give me back my f***ing wig.

Give me back my f***ing wig!

- Put the wig on, put the wig on.

- Sorry, man, I didn't...

I didn't mean to upset you like that, man.

You destroy!

No, it's fine, it's fine.

You destroy!

No, it's great. Oh, my God. It looks...

No! No!

You take it!

Jesus Christ, kid.

With all that time in hand, you'd think

you'd do a better job than this.

It's "homeless", not "homles."

You started with the letters too big here,

then you had to scrunch them up

at the end.

It's bad presentation.

That's why you're broke.

It's a lazy piece of work.

Come on. Leave him alone.

Thank you.

Getting soft in your old age?

You need a hug?

There's no Glen Campbell.

Unbelievable.

Put on some Elvis,

I'm sure they got some Elvis.

You know he died on the can?

Him and Judy Garland.

- What were they doing on...

- Not at the same time.

Oh.

What?

Hey, kid!

- Get off me!

- No, no, I'm not gonna hurt you!

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Gotcha.

Is my mom in jail?

Yeah, for killing your dad.

She's not at the beach.

What?

Are you gonna arrest me, too?

No, why would we?

Are you, like, a little gangster?

You look like you're in a band.

Why did she kill him?

Why did your mom kill your dad?

It's all right, man. We're the good guys.

- Yeah, we're the good guys.

- You can talk to us.

What are we gonna do?

Well, we gotta call Social Services.

- Social Services?

- Yeah.

Might as well sell him

to the f***ing Philippines.

What, you wanna adopt a "homles" kid?

- No!

- Yeah, I can do that.

- No!

- I'm not putting him back on the street.

Do you think it's easy

looking after a kid?

I got two of 'em and it's not easy,

let me tell you.

I mean, yeah, okay, I love 'em

but I gotta feed them 24 hours a day.

Those little fat fucks... It's hard work.

So you're saying I'm not up to it?

Yes. That's what I'm saying.

Just give me a chance, man.

Just give me a chance, okay?

No.

- What in the hell, Terry?

- I'm working on a case, babe,

and Danny here is the star witness.

Kinda like in that movie, you know?

With that kid who died.

No, what movie? What kid who died?

Ah, I can't remember.

Your memory's shot to hell with

all that liquor, you know that, right?

Yes, I do know that.

It's one of the few things in life

I have to be thankful for.

You can just throw your stuff

in one of the spare rooms if you want.

There's a good kid.

- Had anything to eat?

- Yes, ma'am.

Okay, well, get cleaned up.

I'll bring you in some towels.

Dolores got you hooked

on her feminist crap, huh?

Hey, can you be a feminist

and still wear hotpants?

Yes, you can.

Whoo!

Don't be such a misogynist.

Huh?

And don't change the subject.

How long is he supposed

to be staying here?

I don't know, how long are you

supposed to be staying here?

That's not fair. I was in trouble.

Well, so is he, babe.

We're just your ordinary,

everyday nuclear family.

Hey!

Members only.

What the f*** does that say?

It says you're a member.

Damn right it does, baby.

I want another shot!

Yo, whoa! Watch out, man!

Jimmy, can you grab me a drink?

Hey, I think John's coming tonight!

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