Wasteland

1

All right, then, son, why don't you tell me your name?

- You already know my name.

- I'd like you to tell me what it is anyway.

- Why?

- It's for their benefit.

- Who's "they"?

- Whoever's listening.

- My name is Harvey Miller.

- What's your date of birth, Harvey?

April 19th, 1989.

You're 22. That's a good age. Wish I were 22.

- I wish I were a lot of things.

- What do you wish you were, Harvey?

- Somewhere else.

- Fair play.

- Harvey, I want you to do something for me.

- What?

I want you to tell me what you're doing sat

in front of me, bleeding and under arrest.

Where shall I start?

I do hope you don't miss out the bit

where a mutual acquaintance of ours

finds himself being wheeled into an intensive care unit.

- What makes you think I know him?

- Statements of about 30 eye witnesses.

I knew I should have been a little less conspicuous.

You can joke about it if you like, Harvey.

But this is a serious situation.

Now, I can tell by the state of your face

that you didn't launch a surprise attack on Mr Roper.

At least, if you did, it wasn't very successful.

Given his track record,

you may well have acted in self-defence,

but he's the one in hospital.

And if he doesn't wake up,

you're gonna be in a lot of trouble.

And if he does wake up and he's more convincing than you,

you're still gonna be in a lot of trouble.

You've only been out a matter of weeks, Harvey.

You're not gonna be the golden boy

in any court in England.

There'll be no probation with 12 months off

for good behaviour this time round.

So if I consider you to be soliciting lies

or acting in an uncooperative manner,

it will be construed as a violation of your probation

and I'll return you to prison tonight.

Do you understand what I'm telling you, Harvey?

- Yeah.

- Right.

Be sure not to leave anything out, then, won't you?

If you really want a full picture,

we're gonna be here a while.

You have my undivided attention

for the rest of the night.

Demps, it's Harvey. I'm out.

Got my papers last night, didn't get chance to phone.

Listen, mate, I need a lift.

I ain't got enough money for the train.

I'll go to the station,

wait outside till three. If you haven't...

Oh, for f***'s sake.

Shite haircut, dated clothes and a nervous stare.

You've either been let out of prison

or kicked out the army.

You all right, Demps?

Not bad, Harvey, not bad.

Look at you. You've... not changed a bit.

- Can't believe it's been six months.

- It's been a year.

- That right?

- Yeah.

- Can't have missed you very much, then.

- Cheeky bastard.

I know.

Twelve months, three days this morning.

Didn't think I'd recognise you

seeing as you gave us all the f*** off.

Nothing for a year, then a phone call asking for a lift.

You know how it is, Demps.

I didn't want you to see me...

I know how it is. Come on.

- You look good, mate.

- Thanks.

How was it?

A lot of reading. A lot of waste of time.

Came through it, though.

You're a harder man than me.

- Like that were ever in question.

- Do you wanna walk home?

Probably safer. What happened to the van?

Impounded by customs for exceeding tobacco limit.

- Temp replacement.

- Nought to 60?

If you push it down a big hill. Get in.

Good-looking lad like you, 12 months inside,

must hurt to sit down.

Twat.

You weren't, though, you know...?

Just drive, you d*ckhead.

F***ing thank Christ.

Charlie didn't know it were Dodd's bird.

Dodd had been keeping her well away from us

out of fear she'd realise he was the least

interesting and ugliest out of his mates,

which he is, but he should have known

none of his mates would have shagged her

had they known it were his bird.

Now, I'm not taking sides here,

but if you're Charlie, you're in a nightclub,

there's a decent bird hanging round your neck

practically begging you for a length,

you don't stop to say "Sorry, sweetheart,

I would shag you six ways from Sunday,

"but a mate of mine's got this bird

who I haven't even met yet

"and for all I know

it could be you." F***ing daft.

You try explaining that to Dodd when he

walks in on Charlie banging her from behind

and slapping her arse on Sunday morning.

Poor bastard was so destroyed

he passed out there and then.

He only popped round to see if Charlie

fancied having his dinner round theirs

and found the door unlocked, terrible business.

Say, Harvey. Harvey! I took the scenic route

'cause I know you like the countryside.

Didn't expect to be talking to myself, ignorant bastard.

Sorry, mate. What were you saying?

I were telling you about Dodd

catching Charlie doing his bird

and how they've been at each other's throats since.

Oh, yeah, I got a letter from Charlie.

You've gotta laugh, haven't you?

Talking about letters, have you heard

anything from your mum yet?

- No.

- Fair enough.

Staying with me, then, eh?

- Ey up, lads.

- Nice one, Dodd. Keep 'em coming.

At 3.20 a pint? F*** off.

Must've broke your heart handing that 20 across the bar.

Can I have me change by the way?

Must make a nice change from that antifreeze

you've been sucking out of condoms.

You can't really appreciate a drink

you don't risk your arse out for.

- Where's mine?

- At the bar, you f***ing prick.

F*** it, Dodd. How many times?

- I didn't know it was your f***ing bird.

- Yeah, well, you didn't ask.

F***ing dick.

It wasn't even worth the f*** anyway.

Say it any louder, I'll swallow you,

you scrawny little twat.

- You two pack it in, yeah?

- We're meant to be celebrating.

Sorry, Harvey.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

So I hear it's true, Harvey,

prison does do things to a man.

You what?

- I were worried, had to tell them.

- Tell them what?

Despite the fact it's been a year

since you've even seen a bird,

you haven't once mentioned

the need to get your knob felt.

Sex, Harvey, by a woman.

I must've slowed down to three mile per hour

going past the massage parlour

on Sheffield Road, trying to drop the hint.

- Nothing.

- Have you ever been in that place?

- Those Thai girls aren't girls.

- Are you f***ing serious?

Look at his f***ing face. He loves

a f***ing Thai lady boy, though, that one.

Yeah, don't worry. I'll make a move soon.

So it's not because you're saving yourself

for anyone in particular.

No, that's well over, Demps.

We were just wondering whether

you were gonna try for a reconciliation.

No, too much time's passed.

Don't even know her any more.

She knows the me she don't like.

See, the reason I ask is that she's sat

on the edge of the dance floor, alone.

And to the best of my knowledge,

she's not a regular here.

- Where?

- She's right there.

- F***ing hell.

- Looking good, isn't she, mate?

- She always looked good.

- Too good for you.

- What you waiting for?

- I'm not gonna talk to her.

- Why not?

- What would I say?

- I'd rather a "hello"?

- Realistically.

A million things.

It's not like there's no history there.

- No, there's too much.

- History, Harvey, is just oils on a canvas.

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