Watermelon Man

[THUDDING]

[GLASS CLINKING]

79, 80, 80, JUMP, 82,

83, 84, 85, 86...

[SIGHS]

[PANTS]

[JEFF GRUNTING]

Come on, harder.

Come on, yell.

Jimmy crack corn,

and i don't care

Jimmy crack corn,

and i don't care

my master's gone away

(Jeff)

Take that, my good man.

Oh, you are fast,

Muhammad aAli.

You are fast, all right.

Ooh! Rabbit punch.

Jesus, ref, are you blind?

You're a credit to your race.

(MALE NEWSCASTER)

...damage estimated

in the millions.

It's the 3rd such outbreak

in this area this month

and reflects the unrest

that has plagued the area

since early last year

when similar conflagrations

arose

all across the country...

Morning, troop.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hey, Burton.

Should another such incident occur,

he would be compelled to ask

for special federal riot troops,

an action that no one wants.

Least of all, the White House

which has been hopeful

that such disturbances were over,

at least for the time being.

That's got to be the smallest screen

in the world.

They look like ants.

They're getting very dangerous.

A screen that size ought to

only have 15-minute shows.

[CHUCKLING]

Get it?

Small screen, small shows.

You said that yesterday.

You didn't get it yesterday either.

It wasn't funny yesterday

any more than it'll be funny tomorrow.

Critics everywhere.

Aren't you concerned

with the civil rights issue?

Yeah, sure.

Most people are just crazy.

They think at any moment

a negro's gonna hit 'em over the head

with a watermelon and steal

their high school ring.

I think white people

have to show greater interest

and understanding. How else--

Look, aAlthea.

Your bus will be coming by soon.

I'd like to give 'em a head start.

Makes a contest out of it.

It is now post time.

Thank you, my dear.

Off to another smash week

in the insurance gig.

I want you to know that I feel

I'm leading a boring life.

I am so advised.

You were so advised yesterday.

It wasn't funny yesterday either.

Don't kiss me.

I wasn't gonna kiss you,

it's just that my shorts

are too tight, that's all.

Mommy, can we watch daddy run out the door?

No, you may not.

Oh, boy.

There goes your stupid bus.

Doesn't stand a chance.

There he is, the son of a b*tch!

Step on it, you got him by 50 yards!

Sorry, folks, I got to

make a stop at this corner.

(MAN)

have your exact change ready, folks.

[ALL YELLING]

Come on.

[ALL CONTINUE YELLING]

(MAN)

Hurry up! Hurry up!

[PASSENGERS GROANING]

(MAN)

Go! Go! Go! Go!

(PASSENGERS)

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

[PASSENGERS CHEERING]

[PASSENGERS CHATTERING]

(PASSENGERS)

oh, sh*t.

[SIGHS]

Winner, and still undefeated, folks.

Pay some respectful homage, please.

Some applause, please?

[CHUCKLING]

Shows you have good taste, lady.

Fare, please

Arrogant, arrogant.

They're all arrogant.

In the good old days, back in the old south,

you'd have to drive from back here!

[LAUGHING]

Get it? Back of the bus?

Why don't you take

all the money you save

racing this bus and race a cab?

(JEFF)

That is very funny.

[JEFF LAUGHING]

Hey, driver, you hear that?

I'm only good for short distances.

100 yards, maybe.

But over a long haul,

they just don't have it in 'em.

Camptown race track

5 miles long

doo-dah, doo-dah

Camptown race track

5 miles long

(JEFF)

See you tomorrow, fans.

Same time, same station.

Yeah, you're not such

a big shot when it rains, are you?

When it rains, you ride.

No, no, when it rains, it pours.

[HUMMING]

[SIGHS]

come on, joe.

hey, joe, come on.

come on, come on.

mornin', mr. gerber.

ah, mornin', joe.

how goes it?

oh, ok.

any rioting in

the neighborhood last night?

uh, i don't see

any broken windows.

[chuckling]

what's the matter? this place

ain't good enough to loot?

oh, mr. gerber.

the usual, mr. gerber?

oh, yes. uh,

but make mine a double.

i'm feeling a bit

under par this morning.

oh. one double polynesian

health juice

comin' up.

[laughing]

hey, uh, no offense

about that, uh, that

looting remark, you know?

oh, no, mr. gerber.

i know you don't go

for that sort of thing.

no, ok.

and of course, if you did,

it would be very hard for

the police to identify you.

i mean, an hour later,

all you cats look alike.

all us guys look--

oh, mr. gerber.

here's to your health.

[phone ringing]

oh, excuse me,

mr. gerber.

hello, no, goodbye.

hey, joe,

there's an extra nickel

in there for you.

thank you,

mr. gerber.

tip.

thank you, mr. gerber.

forget it.

ok, buddy, this is a hijack.

take this elevator to harlem.

[guffawing]

hey, how'd you do

on the poker game, andy?

uh, uh, ok, fine.

hey, uh, when are

you and dotty

comin' over to the house

to try out my new barbecue?

oh, uh, soon--soon.

r-r-real soon.

5 saturdays in a row

i asked you.

i'm beginnin' to think

y'all don't like us.

don't be silly, it's--

it's--it's just that, uh...

ok. then we'll expect you

next saturday at 5:00,

and no more excuses

about the children

being sick.

well, actually, uh, dotty

hasn't been feeling well.

get her cured

by the weekend.

sluts, sluts.

all of you, sluts.

next thing you know,

you'll be

smoking cigarettes.

hello, there, erica,

you gorgeous hunk of sweden.

norway.

norway, sweden,

what difference does it make?

as long as you're a blonde.

are you?

just curious.

i mean, how many girls

are really blonde

all the way?

collars and cuffs?

excuse me, mr. gerber,

but i must get back

to my desk.

$1 if you walk fast

and stop short.

$2 if you trot.

$5 if you run.

and $10 if you're

really a blonde.

[snickering]

gerber! in here.

yes, sir, mr. townsend.

and $50 if you're a fella.

ah!

the top of the morning

to you, mr. townsend.

how are you?

gerber, sit down

and stop being so damn happy.

it's depressing.

yes, sir.

gerber, i am not

going to mince words.

you have turned in

a very disappointing month.

well, i must say

i agree with you.

but considering

the time of year--

look, i'm just pointing out

it's a subproductive month.

i'm not asking why.

it's income tax time.

though people die,

they seldom buy.

gerber, look, i may as well

come right out and say this.

it's time somebody told you--

i've got bad breath.

bad breath.

you got something

much worse than that.

offensive perspiration,

midriff bulge, uh,

dingy dentures,

asiatic crud.

there, that's exactly

that kind of a remark.

you, gerber, are a smart ass.

a number one,

king-size smart ass!

i'm the best salesman

in this office.

you were.

but your rate of new policies

is dropping.

here, i've been going about

particularly trying

to sell policies

only to younger men

who can live longer,

and pay premiums longer,

and you don't appreciate it.

anybody can sell a policy

to a 90-year-old man

with a cough

and the shingles.

listen to me, gerber,

your customers

curl up their toes

at the same rate as all

of our other customers.

yeah, well, of course,

if 23 of my customers

go down in

a sailing boat accident,

that's bound to raise

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