Watermelon Man Page #2

the mortality rate!

what sailing boat?

uh, in the squall.

what squall?

oh, no, no, it was the train

the train.

33 of them went

right off the trestle.

what train?

uh, would you

believe a--a tidal wave

in kansas city?

a--a--a volcano

in poughkeepsie?

uh, mass suicides

in fire island.

gerber!

ok, mr...

mr. townsend,

about your breath...

[snickering]

[chuckling]

hey, look, make it

easier on yourself.

home, office?

your house.

ok, then. tuesday.

5:
30, very good.

good show.

see you then, john.

[chuckling]

6 out of 6.

the kid does tricks.

[humming]

clark dunwoodie, please.

oh, hi. hey, clark.

jeff gerber,

superior standard life.

hey, how about that lunch

i've been promising you, huh?

good show.

anytime you say.

(male newscaster on t.v.)

local black leaders

doing their utmost

to keep their pledge...

[sighing]

what are you trying to prove

with all that running?

don't bug me, althea,

i had a traumatic day.

13 appointments

out of 15 calls.

[chuckling]

(jeff)

is that all you watch?

race riots?

what are you, perverse?

it's an important problem.

(male newscaster)

...was announced that

should a request be made

for federal intervention,

army units would be

immediately made available--

i was watching.

i'm gonna have my dinner

without watching

a bunch of uppity darkies

jigging up and down

on my t.v. screen.

why are you so hateful?

i'm not hateful,

and don't start telling me

i have a personality problem.

i said no such thing.

i merely tried to point out

that there's an issue

in this country today

that has to do with

the equal rights of man.

what kind of dinner is this?

what kind of dinner

is this, huh?

eskimos chew on blubber.

there's your old

persecution complex.

whenever you're hurt, attack.

well, that's what

this is all about.

[male newscaster chattering]

(althea)

i don't want you staying up

too late, burton.

you should've done that

this afternoon.

go to sleep, dear.

maybe tomorrow morning

i'll let you watch

your father

run out of the house.

why can't he walk

like everybody else?

perhaps he's afraid

somebody will catch him.

kids at school

laugh at him.

they call me,

"son of speedy."

why does daddy

race buses, mommy?

nobody seems to know, dear.

is it like

some people save stamps?

yes, exactly.

some people save stamps,

some make model airplanes,

some drink, some smoke pot.

well, your father

races busses.

if he smoked pot,

he'd get there faster.

good night, children.

uh, our house is worth

$37,000 on the open market.

mmm, that's nice.

that's 17 percent more

than we paid for it.

mmm, you need a haircut.

oh.

are we gonna get ready

for bed early tonight?

it's wednesday.

wednesday?

mmm-hmm

it's monday.

let's pretend

it's wednesday.

[sighing]

forget it.

i'm going to bed.

you'll know where

to find me.

yes.

[panting]

how come you are not

watching the riots?

haven't started yet.

what's the movie?

i don't know.

what's the commercial?

i don't know.

keep yourself pretty

well-informed, don't you?

i think we have to

face up to something.

oh, look. don't start.

you can't stand

the sight of me.

i can so.

you can't stand to touch me.

wrong again.

there's no

passion in our life.

there's plenty of passion

in our life.

[sighing]

let's pretend

it's wednesday.

what?

look, sweetie,

i've had a hard day.

i know you're tired, but...

at least let me wake up

on your side of the bed

like we used to,

thursday mornings.

[sighing]

as soon as

janice was born,

we stopped

going to bed.

now, that's an exaggeration.

we can't afford

more than 2 children.

unless we have 6 at one time.

that way, everything's free.

and we can give them all away,

except the spotted one.

we can make love without

having children, you know.

there are methods,

there are devices.

they're not foolproof.

they are if you use them

all at the same time.

i'm not making love

to any heavy tank.

i've still got some

good years left, jeff.

jesus.

i take something,

and i wear something,

and i keep count,

and if you...

[snoring]

jeff.

jeff.

[sighing]

(man on t.v.)

we were so right

to come here, dearest.

to get away.

(woman)

yes, ralph, i know.

it's lovely.

being with you, sylvia.

being with you, ralph.

(newscaster on t.v.)

it marks the first time

federalized troops

have been used in this city.

black leaders have warned that

should such a situation...

[screaming]

how now,

brown cow.

[groaning]

[panting]

it's a nightmare.

that's what it is, old buddy

a nightmare.

must be something you ate.

that's right,

something you ate.

[laughing]

put up your hands.

give me your

high school ring.

a nightmare

or too much sun lamp.

boy, what a great sun lamp.

[moaning]

althea.

i'm having a nightmare

about my sun lamp.

so don't wake up

and try and talk me

out of it.

it's just

a little nightmare

about a great sun lamp.

i'm going back to bed now.

i know that when i wake up

again in the morning,

my skin will be

lovely and white.

so just stay asleep, althea.

because as long

as you're asleep,

it's a nightmare.

but if you wake up

and begin screaming,

it won't be

a nightmare anymore.

and i don't want

that to happen.

so just stay asleep, althea.

as long as you're asleep,

it's a nightmare.

and all night long,

it'll be a nightmare.

it's a nightmare.

it's a nightmare.

it's not a nightmare.

sure is an even tan.

what a great sun lamp.

[chuckling]

what a great nightmare

about a great sun lamp.

that's an old wife's tale.

[clattering]

[shower running]

daddy?

mommy says i can watch you

run out of the house today.

dad, you in the shower?

(jeff)

yes.

i'm having a nightmare.

can we watch you

run out of the house?

uh, no, sweetheart, i--i--i

won't be going to work today.

i'm not feeling well.

but mommy said.

dad, the whole house

is getting steamed up.

so is your old man.

listen, burton?

yeah?

uh, tell your mother to get

you both off to school,

and then come in here.

you mean, you won't be

racing the bus today?

don't ever bring up

the race issue again.

[door closing]

(jeff)

oh, lord, i've never been

a religious man.

i won't try to

kid you about that.

i don't go to church,

and i only pray

when i'm feeling

scared or rotten.

i meant to pray last night.

perhaps you're angry

because i didn't.

anyway, lord,

i'm in trouble now.

which is why

i'm trying to make contact.

please, lord, make it all be

a terrific nightmare.

and will you see a nice person

come out of this shower?

i want you to know

that i am a true believer.

there are no atheists

in this shower.

i'm praying now, lord.

do you hear me?

if you hear me,

don't say or do anything.

good. ok, lord.

i'm coming out now.

and i wouldn't care

if i gained 20 pounds

as long as i'm white.

here i come, lord.

[screaming]

jeff, jeff, jeff there's

a negro in your shower!

(jeff)

it is not a negro.

(althea)

yes, yes, yes,

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