Watermelon Man Page #3

it is, it is.

i saw him. call the police,

he'll kill us.

i am not a negro.

i'm me.

if this is another

one of your jokes...

now look, althea,

i'm coming out

of this shower again

and i want no screaming,

you hear?

now, there's

a logical answer to this,

but we'll never find out

if i dry up into a prune

in this shower.

now i'm coming out again,

you hear? ok?

yes. ok.

(jeff)

now, hand me a towel.

all right.

here i come, ready or not.

open your eyes, althea,

i need a friendly opinion.

[hollering]

did you have to

give me a white towel?

you simp.

boy, you sure have a warped

sense of humor, baby.

oh, my god.

oh, my good god.

oh, shut up,

there is no god.

he don't give a damn.

you--you look like a negro.

i know what i look like.

shut up.

i mean a dark one.

i mean, i mean,

if i didn't know you--

will you shut up, althea?

oh, oh, should i hide

the money?

oh, you are hilarious.

[stammering]

h-how do you know

you're you?

that's the dumbest thing

you've ever said.

of course i know it's me.

i can tell

from my bridge work.

look. see? huh? huh?

your teeth are very white.

that's the contrast.

and your hair.

my hair's always been

naturally curly.

w-w-what about

your birthmarks?

i can't find them anymore.

maybe i've been overdoing

the sun lamp a bit.

a bit! if you spent

as much time in bed

as you do

under that sun lamp,

maybe we would have

more children.

this is no time to discuss

additional children.

no, i'd say not.

what would

the neighbors think

if we'd have colored kids

running around!

i am not colored!

well, that's your story.

when's the last time

you looked in the mirror?

i-it's the sun lamp,

isn't it?

because you wouldn't be

teasing me like that

if it wasn't the sun lamp,

'cause you're

not a cruel person.

don't you touch me.

oh, boy. you're a treat.

you're something to have

around in an emergency.

you know, you know,

it's very strange.

my mother always thought

you were a little

on the dark side.

i mean, she never came

right out and asked me.

your mother

is in no position

to judge

other people's races.

the way her eyes slant up,

my mother always thought

she was chinese.

silliest thing i ever heard.

oh, yeah?

well, then how come

her feet are so small?

and--and how come

whenever you asked her

when she was born,

she always says

"the year of the dragon"?

and how come

she was always so anxious

to--to wash my shirts?

does that sound like

a white woman to you, huh?

my mother has

almond-shaped eyes.

so has mao tse-tung.

she eats too damn much rice.

if you ask me,

she's a member

of the red guard.

all right, jeff,

all right.

but it isn't a chinese issue

we're discussing.

we're discussing

a negro issue.

it's a sun lamp issue.

well, that may

very well be, but you--

you certainly can't go

to the office like that.

oh, my god,

what time is it?

gladys is in the office now.

that's the first thing.

i got to report in sick.

you can't tell her that

you woke up sunburned.

sometime, althea, sometime.

look, i won't be

coming in today.

well, i'm, uh,

feeling a bit off color.

[stuttering]

anyway, uh, gladys,

uh, look, just cancel

all my appointments

for the day, ok?

tell 'em i'll call 'em

tomorrow, ok?

ok. thank you.

the trick is to be

logical and rational.

i got a warrantee around her

for that sun lamp.

let's see,

logical and rational, yeah.

you really think

it's the sun lamp,

don't you?

oh, you'd like me to be

colored, wouldn't you?

well, not really.

but it would serve you right

with that attitude

of white supremacy.

well, i didn't see you

exactly runnin' over

to hug and kiss me

when you thought

i was a negro.

i was upset because i thought

you were a stranger.

oh, beans. if it was

a white stranger

coming out of that shower,

you'd have humped him.

ah, here it is.

they're a reputable company.

i'm sure this has

happened before.

yeah, all over africa.

oh, just keep it up, baby.

just keep it up.

hello, i'd like to speak--

to--to speak to somebody

with regard

to your sun lamp

model l.t.34x.

oh, it's working, all right.

a--a little bit too well.

uh, uh, thank you.

they're switching me

to the manager.

hello, my name is gerber.

uh, i've got one of your

model l.t.34x sun lamps.

uh, serial number 36677231.

uh, yeah. well,

the problem is...

that's an old wife's tale.

excuse me.

uh, the problem is, uh,

it's made me rather dark.

whew.

well, a little darker

than was necessary.

uh, yes, once in the morning,

and, uh, once at night.

uh, yes,

i--i--i use a lotion.

uh, well, it's kind

of my own concoction.

uh, baby oil, cocoa butter,

iodine, and soy sauce.

[chuckles]

about one third soy sauce.

well, of course

you never heard of it.

it's my own formula.

[laughing]

l-look, you don't

seem to understand.

it's left me very tan.

yes, very.

dark.

very dark.

yes, very.

you stupid!

no, it's not a joke.

i am not sir percival

pulling your leg.

42, tangerine lane, and i'm

a dissatisfied customer.

hello? hello? hello?

can you beat that?

they want to send me

a new sun lamp.

that's very

sporting of them.

what the hell am i going

to do with a new sun lamp?

well, maybe

you could mate them.

you're just

having a dandy time, boy.

oh, relax, jeff.

althea,

you wouldn't hug me

unless you really thought

i was white, right?

oh, poor baby,

don't worry.

you'll be white again.

hey, wait a minute.

what is it?

there are things we can do.

i mean, what do they do

when they want to look white?

th-they must use

salves and creams.

hair straighteners.

i don't want

my hair straightened,

i want my skin straightened.

what the hell else

are we talkin' about?

where are you going?

to one of their drug stores.

call me a cab.

your cab's here.

what are you doing?

the door's not open

on the cab.

go on out there and open

the door on the cab.

[exclaims]

[knock at door]

[car door closes]

take me to

the colored section.

nice neighborhood.

what do you do there?

mow the lawn?

what do they pay you?

i get to sleep with

the lady of the house.

would you put

your hands down?

all i want is a pair

of sunglasses. now, look,

i got a skin problem.

what's this, and this?

get me a paper bag.

no, better yet, get me a box,

a box, a big box.

there you go.

all right, let's see now.

uh-huh, white, yeah.

ok, give me some of these.

yeah. pearl sheen.

uh-huh, all right.

now, let's see now.

ah, try some of this

white folk stuff here.

now, let's see here,

that's good.

"beautiful bleach,"

that's probably great.

"miracle wash."

hair straightener.

that'll help.

more processing stuff, there.

all right.

remember, if anybody asks you

if you ever saw me in here,

you never laid eyes on me.

ok?

mum's the word.

any change?

no.

but i don't imagine

it would be immediate.

i mean, i don't think

any intelligent negro

expects it to be immediate.

don't be so militant.

it's different.

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