Watermelon Man Page #4

i'm not militant, i'm white.

i expect it to be immediate.

we've rubbed in

4 different brands.

don't you think

we ought to stop?

come on, put on some more

hair straightener.

come on. here.

jeffrey, i don't want you

to get all excited,

but i do think

you're a little whiter.

it's hard to tell

through the cream.

y-yeah,

i think you're right.

ar-ar-around the neck here,

right?

especially

around the neck.

uh-huh,

and around the chin?

yes, the chin, too.

and--and around

the nose, mmm?

yes.

you're lying to me,

althea!

don't lie to me, althea.

just don't lie to me.

oh, this is crazy. i don't

want to be this color.

what are you doing up there?

calm down.

oh, i'll yell all i want.

he can't hear me.

he's the white man's god.

jeff, you're not a negro.

oh, my goodness,

i'm getting darker.

come on.

get all this crap off me.

come on, quick.

oh, my god, i need more.

oh, come on,

i'm getting darker.

jeff, calm down.

i can't take a--

i can't take a shower.

'cause if i take a shower,

my body will shrink and...

[muffled yelling]

will you calm down,

the children will be coming

home from school soon.

and i don't want you

getting them upset.

upset?

wait until they find out

they have a colored daddy.

huh? wait till i get down

my knee and i sing mammy.

you got yourself

into it, jeff.

oh, my goodness,

th-these creams don't work.

no wonder negroes riot.

i mean,

these are worthless hoaxes.

hi.

hi.

i'm your father.

sure, hi, dad.

(janice)

hi, dad.

um,

don't you have anything

you want to say to me?

your face is dirty.

that's a nice thing

to say to your father.

sure is a heck of a tan

you got, dad.

you look like

a colored man.

that's very good.

thank you, burton.

we could use you

at the u.n.

come on, kids.

i'll get your dinner ready.

what are we having?

black-eyed peas,

hominy grits,

corn bread, ham hocks.

(burton)

what's with him?

didn't get to race his bus

this morning.

he's a little upset.

why are you

doing that, daddy?

doing what,

sweetheart?

racing busses.

(althea)

come on, janice,

you don't want

your ham hocks to get cold.

in here,

or in the dining room?

what is it?

i got to see.

maybe it's

the lighting in here.

maybe in the daylight,

i'll look less colored.

what are you going to do?

i'm going for a walk.

where to?

in the backyard.

how brave of you.

well, you're certainly

getting whiter whites

these days.

aren't you, mrs. johnson?

(mrs. johnson)

oh, yes,

i'm using a new detergent.

well, i wish you'd tell

my wife the brand

because we have a few things

around our house

that really need whitening.

[screaming]

jeff, are you all right?

yeah.

you're hardly breathing.

i don't want to ruin it.

you look like

a birthday cake.

it's getting very late.

can't you at least

lie down in bed?

i'm afraid i'll roll over

and destroy the mold.

all right.

althea?

yes?

my last words:

pray for me.

[rooster crowing]

jeff?

jeff, are you asleep?

my god, you've set.

jeff, jeff, are you breathing?

[panting]

how to do this?

try not to hurt you.

i'm sorry about that.

[sighs]

jeff, can you speak?

how do you feel?

can you speak?

like a broken leg.

oh, thank god

you're all right.

my beard is strangling me.

i'll have you out in a jiffy.

[jeff groaning]

[grunting]

be careful

with that chisel.

careful with that chisel,

i've got enough dimples.

[groaning]

i think i'm getting

the hang of it now.

what color am i?

uh, well, uh,

uh, i'll have to open the blinds.

w-w-wait,

do it gradually.

remove a little

around the ears.

all righty.

[sighs]

w-w-w-what color am i?

uh, did you drink

any more milk?

yeah, i had another quart,

and then my hand

was paralyzed.

oh, poor thing. you know,

if we'd only known,

i could've rigged you

up a tube or something

what color am i, althea?

well, uh, let's see.

tell me the truth,

but tell me i'm white, althea.

you're white.

oh, god.

dark white.

what?

well, i'm sure

you're white,

but you're a little

on the dark side.

wait. get me to a mirror.

[screaming]

i'm black! i'm black!

i'm black!

i'm black!

i'm a n*gger!

i'm a n*gger!

jeff, you'll have a stroke.

i don't want a stroke.

i want appendicitis.

i want to throw

myself off a bridge,

out of a window.

[jeff yelling]

althea,

i want my whiteness back.

oh!

where's that schmucky

white knight on that

schmucky white horse?

stick me. stick me.

turn me white. rinso-white.

rinso-white.

jeff, the neighbors.

the neighbors, the neighbors

the neighborhood.

[jeff yelling]

there goes the neighborhood.

there it goes.

jeff, stop that.

i'm black!

i'm black!

[exclaims]

oh, milk.

oh, cleanse me,

oh, great milk.

ah.

oh, clean me, great milk.

make me free again.

you're white. you're a nut,

but you're white.

i want all

the mirrors removed

from this house, woman.

that's a direct order

from your husband, othello.

oh, you stupid little boy,

is this the way

you face a problem?

shut up!

you've abused your skin.

you've dyed your skin.

yes, yes, i--i did.

w-wasn't that silly of me?

it was stupid.

yes, stupid. insane.

insane.

crazy.

crazy.

idiotic.

shut up.

well, i got to get back

to work.

you might as well

forget this day and...

so just relax.

the kids are off to school.

come on down,

i'll make you some breakfast.

i am not sure.

this emotionalizing

isn't retarding your skin

from returning

to its normal color.

you're making

great sense, althea.

i don't know, maybe--

maybe we needed this

little emergency to, uh,

make us realize how much

we need

and love each other.

[chuckles]

i sure hate to think

every married couple

has to get

all shook up like this

just to see

how much they're in love.

no riots yesterday.

maybe that's a good omen.

[doorbell rings]

jeff, the ku klux klan

never rings the bell.

ah, gerber?

yes.

couple of packages here.

i want you sign

right here.

we didn't order anything.

sun lamp.

just put...

[jeff screaming]

jeff, jeff, stop it!

jeff!

jeff!

wait a minute!

jeff, jeff, stop!

get me out of here!

jeff, jeff, jeff, jef!

i don't think i know you.

(althea)

jeff, back! i said, back.

jeff! jeff!

[jeff screaming]

back, back.

i said, back.

back. back,

jeff, jeff, back.

(althea)

back, back. i said, back.

get back. just get back.

(althea)

back, back, back.

back, back, back.

i said, jeff, back down.

[panting]

jesus!

talk about black power.

i'm--i'm terribly sorry.

that's all right.

[muttering]

never mind.

i must have

the wrong address.

put it on my head.

why?

why?

that guy needs a sun lamp

like fred astaire

needs dancing lessons.

look, just close the door

behind me, that's all.

let me go.

[sighs]

i heard. i heard him.

so you heard?

he thinks i'm colored.

so what?

you thought you were colored.

until you learned the fact

you thought you

were colored, right?

so?

so why shouldn't

he think you're colored?

you're right again, althea.

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