Watermelon Man Page #5

i tell you,

you're a growing source

of strength to me.

you could've killed that man.

i suppose so.

the negroes in the city

have enough trouble

without your killing

a white man.

and what is that

supposed to mean?

what's wrong with dad,

mom?

too much sun lamp.

(jeff)

ooga, booga, doo.

i'm getting

whiter and whiter.

ooga, booga, dooga, doo.

ooga, booga, dooga, do

o. me, friend.

not funny.

you got enough milk?

yeah.

think you're

getting any whiter?

no, but my skin

is getting lovely and soft.

you know, you've

been in there 3 hours.

you're going to marinate.

isn't it cold?

yeah, a little.

want me to warm it up

a little?

you know i hate warm milk.

have you decided

whether or not you're going

to work tomorrow?

i'm going to work.

i promised the kids

they could watch you

run out of the house.

did you promise them

they could stay up

and watch the cross burn

on our front lawn?

well, is there

anything i can get you?

a box of graham crackers

or some bosco?

[sighs]

i don't need companionship.

i've got my book.

yes, i know,

voodoo without

killing chickens.

they told me at the library

it's number one in haiti.

ooga, booga, dooga, doo.

ooga, boog

a, dooga, doo.

bon voyage.

ooga, booga, dooga, doo.

ooga, dooga, booga, doo.

the bus!

the bus is coming, yay!

[jeff humming]

[children exclaim]

there he is!

back in action!

[passengers clamoring]

(man)

let's go, man.

let's go. let's go.

is that him?

what happened to him?

of course it's him.

has to be him.

what happened to him?

son of a b*tch! look, somebody

might've killed him by now.

it's him!

[all yelling]

(man)

he's catching up!

he's catching up!

[passengers chattering]

(passengers)

hey! hey! hey!

[screaming]

police!

[women screaming]

[people shouting]

stop! thief!

[shrieking]

where are you running,

sea biscuit?

police violence!

sure. what's in the case?

shoes.

whose?

mine.

(woman #1)

neighborhood

isn't safe anymore.

(jeff)

i didn't do anything!

(woman #1)

neighborhood

isn't safe anymore.

(woman #2)

it's terrible. just terrible.

break it up.

(jeff)

shoes. i told you.

try 'em on, cinderella.

what?

well, they're yours,

all right.

i told you!

somebody got a complaint

against this man?

somebody see him

steal anything?

speak up.

(man)

i didn't see him,

but he must have.

what is it, officer?

what did this man do?

(woman #1)

oh, they stick together.

what did he do?

(woman #1)

he stole something.

what did i steal?

who saw me steal something?

(policeman)

anybody see this man

steal anything?

a purse, a wallet?

how about a brand-new

color t.v. set?

you know this man?

this man's a regul

ar passenger on my bus.

he was runnin' for the bus.

since when is there

a law against

runnin' for the bus?

all right,

break it up, folks.

break it up. shoo-shoo.

come on.

hey, uh,

what happened to you,

man, uh?

how come i never notic

ed you were colored before?

because i was never colored

before.

oh, it happened

just like that, huh?

just like that!

well, when you get

back on the bus,

just sit down and cool it.

they don't love you,

you know?

nobody loves me! big deal.

well, just don't make

any trouble.

(jeff)

listen, i'm not colored!

i know.

i'm spanish, myself.

sometimes i feel

like a motherless child!

hasta la vista.

[sighing]

hey.

health drink. double.

and don't be a wise guy.

hey.

don't i know you

from somewhere?

i'm mr. gerber.

jeff gerber.

well, i ain't gunga din.

i never noticed.

look, come on, hurry up

with my health drink.

[fingers snapping]

i'm late as it is now.

slow your roll, man.

i told the owner

the lights in here

wasn't no good.

hey, jeff.

you certainly

set a good example.

a good job like you got.

what's draggin' you, brother?

i'm wondering what's, uh,

in this health drink?

oh, that?

orange juice,

papaya juice,

lime juice,

and soy sauce.

soy sauce!

what the hell are you

puttin' in soy sauce for?

well, we was all out

of worcestershire sauce.

what?

cool it, jeff.

that's why they don't want us

in these places now.

us?

i'll sue

the entire n.a.a.c.p.

look at my skin!

i don't have to look

at your skin.

i can look at my own.

here, now,

what's goin' on?

i'm gonna have

this entire place shut down

as a homosexual hangout.

who is that gentleman?

soy sauce?

oh, now look, mr. soy sauce,

i don't want any trouble.

i've always gotten along well

with members of your race.

ask joe here.

i'm not negro.

i'm spanish. soy sauce!

not one word.

not one word.

us?

[laughing]

can i help you?

no one can help me.

whom is it you wish

to see about what?

i'd like to see abe lincoln

about this equality bullshit.

[gasps]

mr. gerber!

well, it ain't soy sauce.

what happened to you?

i'm pledging

for a fraternity.

mr. gerber!

never heard of him.

but, mr. gerber...

get out of my way, erica,

unless you want to feel

the wrath of my switchblade.

i would like to feel

the wrath of

your switchblade.

morning, gladys.

mr. gerber,

what happened?

is there anything i can do?

hide your high school ring.

mr. townsend said

for you to see him

as soon as you come in.

all right.

all right.

all right.

[intercom buzzes]

[sobbing]

yes?

(miss regan)

mr. townsend is waiting.

yes.

ok.

(jeff)

i'm colored, mr. townsend.

i'm a negro.

gerber, what the hell

have you been doing?

sitting under a sun lamp?

oh, that's the nicest thing

you've ever said to me, sir.

did you get that tan in just

the 2 days you were out?

yes, yes, i did.

the secret is soy sauce.

lots and lots of soy sauce.

don't you think

you overdid it a bit?

yes, yes, i do.

i--i really do.

it--it was

a frightening experience.

yeah, i should think so.

now, look, there's no need

to come apart at the seams.

it'll fade

and you'll be fine.

you still have got

to pick up your sales.

until i spoke to you,

mr. townsend,

i must confess,

i was pretty shook up.

all right,

now go on back to your desk,

and don't let me down.

all right, sir.

god bless you, sir.

there still is a god

, you know, sir.

miss regan...

[gasps]

yes, mr. townsend?

would you get my optometrist

on the phone?

these tinted contact lenses

he gave me,

i think they're

a bit on the dark side.

hello, palefaces.

come on, girls.

get back to work

or you'll be back

on the streets

working for real money.

what's the matter, fella?

ain't you never

seen an aztec before?

what the hell have you done

to yourself, jeff?

how do you like

my golden glow, andy?

don't i look like

a friggin' bronze god?

that's not what

they're sayin'.

i have it on

no less an authority

than d.j. townsend

that i have a glorious tan.

i--i got to tell you, jeff.

if--if i didn't

know you, i'd say--

look, andy, if you have

inherent racial prejudice,

that's your hang-up.

i personally think

i have a beautiful color.

gladys, bring in

my appointment book,

please, dear.

[jeff humming]

[humming]

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