Watermelon Man Page #6

clark dunwoodie, please.

hello, clark?

jeff gerber. well, i hopped

down to the islands

for a couple days.

get that old tan in shape,

you know?

how's about today, lunch?

well, you name it.

ok, your club, 12:30.

see you then.

where do you think

you're going?

i'm lunching

with clark dunwoodie.

not in here,

you're not.

hey, come on,

you're kidding?

you know me, jeff gerber.

mr. dunwoodie,

he's expecting me.

come on, fella,

i got my orders.

now, this club has got rules.

fun is fun,

but don't make me angry.

you better let me pass.

what's your name, sir?

uh, jeff gerber.

uh, i'm having lunch

with, uh, clark dunwoodie.

oh, yes, mr. gerber.

mr. dunwoodie

wanted me to give you

his apologies.

he had to go

back to the office.

some kind of an emergency

board meeting.

he's going to call you

later this afternoon

and explain it.

don't pull that

crap on me!

well, i'm very sorry

for the inconvenience.

now, move along, please.

hey, look,

there must be some mistake.

come on, move along.

hey, hey, hey,

i ask you, is this america?

is this america?

yeah, man.

? no, this ain't america ?

? you can't fool me! ?

hey, look, why don't you

let him go in there?

i belong in there!

if you don't fit

the right image

they just pull out

their d.d.t.

if they just don't

like the way you look

[tires screech]

they just law and order

and pricks!

they're prickin' me!

come in.

excuse me, mr. townsend?

yes.

this man says

he works for you.

good grief.

gerber, is that you?

uh,

yes, officer,

he--he works for me.

very well. i'll leave him

in your charge.

he stole something.

we don't know

what it is yet.

(jeff)

brutality,

brutality.

you can leave him

with me, officer.

yes, sir.

thank you, sir.

gerber,

w-w-what happened?

if i didn't know you myself--

i'm black.

i've become black.

you ask anyone

on the street,

they'll say,

"that man, he's black."

mmm-hmm, sure,

he's black."

get hold of yourself.

yowser. i'm gonna

get a hold of myself.

yowser, boss.

[chuckles]

you know, this could work

to both our advantages.

boss have heap

big sense of humor.

stop that foolish

vaudeville routine

and listen to me a minute.

look, i don't care

what color you are.

you're an intelligent,

educated man.

and damn it, gerber, there is

a whole market out there

that has never even been

approached by our company

because we have never

had a negro salesman.

why, you can make yourself

a fortune.

that negro insurance market

is virtually untapped.

look, i tell you what,

you run back to your office--

i can't run anywhere.

they'll arrest me

before i get halfway

down the hall.

go back to your office

and wait there for me,

i'll bring the statistics.

they'll shock you.

i'll just shuffle along.

uh, give me 15 minutes.

oh, you don't have

to hurry yourself

over little old,

poor little me,

mr. townsend.

make a list of all

those articles

that have been stolen.

and any of you

who have been raped,

please report

to the dispensary.

any of you who are

interested in tap dancing,

gospel singing,

boxing lessons,

please come into my office.

gladys?

dr. wainwright, please.

jeff gerber. thank you.

dr. wainwright, i got

to see you right away.

unclean! unclean!

beware the black scourge!

double trouble,

boil in trouble!

take your children,

gather them.

take them

to the high ground!

doctor, uh,

mr. gerber's here.

but, uh...

(wainwright)

show him in.

no swelling.

if it were overexposure,

there'd be swelling.

your lips, as i recall,

were always rather full.

high cheekbones, wide face.

you tryin' to

tell me somethin'?

uh-huh.

i don't see how

it could be the sun lamp.

anything unusual

in your diet?

crow.

i've laid a lot of crow, doc.

it could be some kind

of an allergy.

but it's more apt

to be something else.

well, go ahead, tell me.

i won't blab.

well, it's more apt

to be something

in your family lineage.

you mean like insanity?

it's quite possible that

somewhere in your lineage,

there is a negro strain.

you're lookin' at

a strained negro

right now, doc.

if that were the case,

it would be apparent

from birth,

not in your middle years.

and it would seem logical

that your parents

would have said

something to you about it.

they never

called me a n*gger.

no matter

how angry they got,

they never

called me a n*gger.

oh, they might have

revealed it in other ways,

ways more freudian.

um, what's your full name,

jeff?

jefferson w. gerber.

what's the "w" for?

washington.

jefferson washington gerber?

do you realize that when

the slaves were set free

and they were allowed

to pick any names

they wanted,

many of them chose

the names of presidents?

jefferson washington gerber!

uh, what's your wife's name?

althea jemima gerber.

you're kidding me?

what are your

children's names?

beulah and rastus.

you're trying

to prove that i'm a negro,

and i'm trying

to prove that i'm not!

i'm only trying

to compile some facts.

all right, facts.

what about my skin, huh, huh?

what about that?

that's a fact, isn't it?

look, something happened

to cause this phenomenon.

somewhere there's

a medical explanation

to this, and we'll find it.

when do you want

to do that, doc?

right now.

how long do you

think it'll take?

maybe 3 hours.

the rest is up to

the laboratory technicians.

hello, althea?

guess who's coming to dinner?

[sighing]

the children are in bed.

even burton.

i thought it best.

what's wrong?

wrong? wrong?

nothing--

nothing's wrong.

how come you're on fire?

[phone ringing]

don't answer it.

i beg your pardon?

don't answer it.

may i ask why?

it's a wrong number.

oh, then by all means,

let's not answer it.

but i feel i should ask

you this, althea,

uh, how do you know

it's a wrong number?

it has a different sound.

wrong numbers sound neurotic,

because the circuits

are confused.

i see.

and it just upsets it

if you answer it.

uh-huh, strange,

but it sounds

like a right number to me.

no, you're wrong.

you're nuts!

hello?

(man)

jeff gerber?

yes?

move out, n*gger.

it was the wrong number.

they've been calling all day.

what "they"?

it was one voice.

don't make it sound

like the entire

west point glee club.

well, who do you think it is?

it's avon calling

and the bell's stuck.

jeff, i have to tell you,

i'm frightened!

you don't have to tell me.

it's fairly noticeable.

how did it go today?

oh, it was the usual day.

i was thrown out

of one of the better clubs,

i was picked up

twice for purse-snatching.

what?

nothing.

did they notice anything,

anything different

at the office?

there were a few remarks.

what about townsend?

oh, he seemed

quite pleased.

it seems i'm one of his

hottest negro salesmen.

you hungry?

yeah, i guess so.

what?

are you crazy?

is that supposed to be funny?

i didn't realize

until after--

well, listen, jemima,

you're in this, too.

jemima?

your middle name, baby.

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