We Love You

---

Life is a rolling ocean

If you want to stay

in motion

You gotta get,

you gotta get

You gotta get

ahead of the wave

Young love's never humble

Everybody takes a tumble

Better get, you better get

You better get

your head on straight

Hear that rolling ocean

Better get ahead

You know

that wave is comin'

Better get ahead

If you want to catch

the big fish

And take him to cherish

You gotta get,

you gotta get

You got to get

ahead of the wave

Hear that rolling ocean

You better get ahead

You know that wave

is coming

Better get ahead

324!

325, 326, 327...

328...

32... 32... 329.

Yeah.

Watching you guys

play badminton

makes me profoundly sad.

We weren't

playing badminton, Glenn.

We were playing goodminton.

The point is to hit it

as soft as possible

to get as many in a row

as we can.

It's a game of

gentlemanly cooperation.

I'll bet you two learned

a lot

about gentlemanly cooperation

in your bed,

where you have sex.

No one likes

a homophobe, Glenn.

And no one likes

you two a**holes.

You kiss your mother

with that filthy mouth?

You kiss your boyfriend

with those ugly lips?

As a matter of fact...

In your fricking face.

Whoa, you can't talk

to the kid like that.

That's not a kid.

That's Glenn.

He's a dick.

- Screw you.

- Okay!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on.

- Screw you, fighter baby.

- Glenn, go... go home.

You're lucky.

You're lucky.

Hey, come on.

We're gonna be late

for our double date.

Suckers.

To be clear, no,

he doesn't really kiss me

with those ugly lips,

because we're into girls...

specifically these two

extremely attractive girls

that are meeting us right now.

This seaside pub

is rustic yet hip,

this is my favorite shirt,

and I'm having

a pretty decent hair day.

Yup, it's a good day

for capital-L love.

Ford over here

is more interested in, well,

the kind of love

you don't have to call again.

Now, despite all odds, we are

crushing this first date.

I could imagine just

staying in on a Saturday night

and watching

dry British comedies

and, you know, streaming,

and it's like I kind of

fantasize about, like,

cuddling you, you know?

Ooh, that sounded way better

in my head.

Maybe they didn't hear me.

Ah, I just blew it for us.

Oh, my gosh.

I should go.

This is gonna be too awkward

for me to handle.

Yeah, I'm gonna come

with you, actually.

- What?

- What?

You're not gonna

leave a tip

or at least pay

for your drink?

Great.

You know what, Noah?

I don't even think she was the one.

Yeah, mine neither.

Definitely not the one.

Why both our names? It should just be

your name. You're the painter.

Yeah, but it was our idea.

Yeah, but you're

actually talented.

You shouldn't even be

working here.

You know what? You could be

a millionaire painter,

like... like Picasso

or even Banksy.

Yeah, I'll get

right on that.

The guys need to see this.

It's a great painting.

I mean, for a fisting

bro spray.

Last week, I was painting a top

hat on a condom, and now this.

Maybe I ought to just,

like, you know,

quit my job,

be, like, a real artist.

I don't know.

Do you like food and shelter?

I do.

I love those things.

I literally need them

every day.

- All the time.

- Really?

Ooh.

Fascinating.

A scathing satire

of the homoerotic world

of faux masculinity

and fraternal life,

an American cover-up

hoisted upon young men

to capably deny their desire

for the fist.

How's the website looking,

programmer?

PoundTheFistFeelTheMist.com

is up and running.

Pound the fist,

feel the mist.

The bro community's

gonna love that.

I agree.

Derrick, Matthias,

do we have a theme

for our promo party?

Oh, we're gonna need

some more time.

We had some ideas,

but they were

a little bit...

raunchy?

Oh, wow.

I'm gonna go ahead and say

that even a little raunchy

is not okay.

Well, it's a giant, veiny fist

called Tight. I love it.

Remember our motto:

"We give the customers

what they want."

That's not really

a motto.

It's kind of just

what businesses do.

Okay, let's just get

this model made

of Noah and Ford's design

and test it.

- Yes, sir.

- You got it.

Let's go.

Hmm? Come on.

Oh, just us?

All right.

We'll work on that.

I'm already done with my work.

Every day after work, we like

to meet up for happy hour.

The happiest thing

about this place

is that girl.

Ford likes to call her NGH

for Never Gonna Happen,

because, well, after a year,

I have yet to figure out

how to make a move.

Even Jess has more game

than me.

When was the last time

you had a one-night stand?

Yesterday.

I had to have some.

So I opened my phone

and swiped right.

- Mm.

- We met for coffee.

I took him back to my place,

introduced him to the roommates,

got the go-ahead,

so I brought him back into my room

and closed the door.

And?

Adult stuff happened.

That's all I'm gonna say.

- Ooh!

- What?

And then I asked him

to leave,

because I like

eating dinner alone.

- That's how it's done.

- Can we stop talking about me?

Derrick, let's talk about you.

Last night.

- No.

- Wait, what?

- What about your boyfriend?

- Oh, he knows.

But we live by

what's called gay law.

What is that?

We're listening.

So Carlos and I

love each other,

but we're dudes,

and we do what dudes do,

and...

So technically, you guys

can have a threesome

whenever you want.

Like, you can literally

see a guy at a bar

and say, "That guy"

and go home and bang.

- And we do.

- That's it.

I want to be gay.

It's so progressive.

I don't think

that's how it works.

It works for him.

Perfect, bam.

So nobody gets hurt?

Okay, getting hurt

is not out of the question,

but for us, it's not like

you straight weirdos.

You must learn

to press past your fears.

When you do, life will

unfold before you

in the most beautiful

of ways.

I once mercy-banged

an elderly Scottish woman.

Saved my life.

Okay, that's a story

I want to hear about.

- Yeah.

- Pictures.

I'm just not, like,

a "hit on a girl

at a bar" kind of guy.

We know; it's 'cause you're

a "get in a relationship

"and then get broken up with

and then cry about it

to your friends"

kind of guy.

That is so harsh.

Bye, baby.

How could you do that?

You just lost your chance.

I should have talked

to her.

Noah, you have to take

some swings.

Otherwise, it's always

gonna be like prom.

Noah was standing in a corner

in a bad-fitting suit

looking all desperate

and sad and pathetic.

My suit fit very well.

That's it.

What is more sexual for the American

adolescents than the senior prom?

We will create

a prom night for this Tight.

Hmm?

Sir.

Have you tried Tight

by Bro Spray?

It's free.

So excited.

You guys having

a good time tonight?

Are you texting a hot guy?

No, I'm actually

making an app.

It's like... okay, you take

a picture of your face,

and then you scroll this bar

farther and farther,

and you get older and older

until you're dead.

And then you can scroll

backwards till you're a fetus.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes