We Were Here Page #8

Whether you were infected

or uninfected...

It was hard

to imagine the future.

I didn't look much further

than the next week or two...

Because the whole thing

was so...

...impossible to grasp that

all this was really happening.

I went into a long period

of being isolated, very sad.

You know,

all the years at 5-A...

And all of the death

and dying years.

Had really

taken its toll on me.

I had been there,

you know, for three years...

And it...

And it did cross my mind.

Like, "wow, how do you...

how do you stop?

How do you stop working

in a place like this?"

We have a local newspaper

here in san francisco.

Called thebay area reporter...

And there was one issue.

They decided to run

just all the photos.

Of the people that had died

in the last year.

It was just page

after page after page.

After page.

Of all of these

primarily gay men.

Who had died on the unit.

I just felt something,

like, right here.

It was a physical,

like, click.

Because I saw all these faces...

And I was stunned.

By how many of them I knew

from working on the unit.

And i, you know, I realized.

I couldn't.

I just couldn't...

Couldn't do it anymore.

- There's times

when you just think...

"I can't take it anymore.

"I don't want to watch this.

"I don't want to see it.

"There's just too many images.

That I don't want in my head. "

And, you know, your feeling

of wanting to run away.

It was my generation

that was being infected...

And so that, of course,

made it even heavier...

Because, you know,

we were way too young to die.

And I felt like I was too young

to go through all this.

Why... You know,

all this loss.

When you're doing this work...

You have to figure out

how to take care of yourself.

And not feel it all the time.

But sometimes

when somebody would die...

And i'd find myself crying...

I would feel like

i was crying for everyone.

It wasn't just that person.

It just felt overwhelming...

And I just...

'Cause sometimes

you just really had to cry.

You had to let it out.

- I think there were

probably some times.

During the epidemic for me.

Where I would hear

somebody was sick...

And it was just...

I wouldn't call them...

Or i'd just...

I couldn't see them.

It was just too much.

It was just, like, I...

...somehow knew my limits...

And I couldn't take

one more sick friend...

...on.

And it felt bad.

But it was... It's so easy.

To just become part

of a caregiver's group.

And, you know,

that's your life.

For the next

many, many months...

And sometimes

I just couldn't do it.

Especially during

the late '80s and early '90s.

I was sick,

and it was just enough.

To get, you know,

get me out of bed.

A lot of times, it was

the side effects of the drugs.

It wasn't just

the disease itself.

You're just so caught up

with dealing...

Whether it's nausea or wasting

or dizziness or fatigue...

That you don't have time.

To worry about

what else could happen.

It's just you're dealing with

what is happening.

Tim was my partner

during this time...

But he was also hiv positive...

And I just didn't think

i could do it again.

I could not

lose another partner...

And I told him that.

But we liked each other.

We had really good

times together.

And we kept

seeing each other...

And after about six months...

He said, you know,

"are we together, or aren't we?

Are you here,

or aren't you?"

And I just, you know, said...

"You know,

i really love this person...

And what happens,

you know, happens. "

We would sort of

take turns being sick.

You know,

i would get really sick...

And then

he would take care of me...

Then he would get really sick,

and I would take care of him...

And thank god we were never

both sick at the same time.

He was not feeling well...

And I called the doctor...

And I said,

"I'm going to the hospital. "

And I bundled him

into the car.

And drive him down

dolores street.

He... I guess an aneurysm.

He just... His mouth

just locked shut...

And there I am driving, like,

80 miles an hour.

Down dolores street...

And try to pry his mouth open...

Just saying,

"breathe, breathe. "

And we were supposed

to go to cpmc...

But I knew that was

way too far away...

And davies was closer,

and I just... I mean...

Thank god I didn't

kill anybody on the street.

I was really going down...

Running every light

on dolores street...

Just honking my horn,

just driving.

And by the time

i got to davies, he was dead.

It was so quick.

I was in

a total state of shock.

I thought I was gonna

lose my mind.

Just felt like

it would be real easy.

To just not be here anymore.

Most of my friends were dead.

And there just didn't seem to be

any reason to stick around.

But I didn't, and I'm really

glad I didn't kill myself.

But it was... It's the only time

I've ever been suicidal.

It just... And it was odd.

It wasn't...

...it wasn't a crazy suicidal.

It just felt very, like...

"I don't... " You know,

"I don't need to be here.

There's no reason

for me to be here. "

It seemed very logical.

Um, I still could understand it,

looking back.

- There was some hope

on treatment...

Some hope on research.

Some of the money

had begun to flow...

And it had paid off

with some early drugs.

Experimental drugs

were more accessible.

Gay activists were meeting

with pharmaceutical companies.

To actually

talk about medicines.

So, yeah, there was...

And then act up comes.

It was, like, this wave

of sort of brilliant...

Young,

artistic new yorkers.

Uh, thing about act up...

Is it's true

they were political...

But they were

political artists.

From their very

opening statement...

"Silence equals death,"

It's art, it's culture...

And it was, you know,

it transformed the dialogue.

- 60,000 deaths remain!

Where was george?

- Fight back!

Fight aids!

- Healthcare is awry!

Healthcare is awry!

- That was the first time

i crossed a picket line.

I wanted to go in

to the aids conference...

Because there was information

i wanted to get inside.

And what they were screaming

and hollering about...

I agreed with.

So... But then I realized.

That everybody is doing

what they need to do.

They need to be out there.

Screaming and hollering

and pushing...

Because things don't happen

unless you push.

And I needed to go in

to get that information.

So I could take care of them.

And... So it made me...

Once I figured that out...

It was a little easier

to cross that picket line.

- Act up! Fight back!

Fight aids!

- I mean, that was when drugs

weren't on the fast track...

Where it took ten years

to get a drug approved...

And the activists

really worked.

For that to change.

- Neil jaeger.

James martin case.

- One of the ways

i came back into the world.

Was through the names project...

Which is the aids

memorial quilt...

Which cleve jones started.

- And my friend,

marvin feldman.

- He came up with the idea

that people would make panels...

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