Wedding Crashers Page #12

It's like fishing

with dynamite.

- Horny?

- Yeah, crazy horny.

I just...

at a funeral?!

Grief is nature's

most powerful aphrodisiac.

- Huh.

- Look it up.

- I didn't know that.

- That's what I've learned.

Ma, the meatloaf! F***!

Saturday...

I got one Saturday.

You're coming with!

Chazz, I'm...

I'm sorry, I don't...

I'm not judging you, 'cause I think

you're an innovator, but...

there's no way

I'm ready for that.

A time to plant,

and a time to pluck up

that which is planted;

A time to kill

and a time to heal;

A time to break down

and a time to build up;

A time to weep

and a time to laugh;

- A time to cast away stones...

- So senseless.

Damn you, Roger.

Roger!

Oh!

Damn you, Roger!

Damn it!

Damn you!

I'm in pain.

I'll try to fight it.

Try to fight it.

I don't know about you people,

but I'm in pain.

I know that there

is no good in them

for man to rejoice

and to do good in his life...

for that which befalleth

the sons of men,

befalleth beasts.

Even one thing befalleth,

as the one dieth,

so dieth the other.

Yea, they all have

one breath,

so that a man hath no preeminence

above the beast.

While each man thinks

he knows love,

love, we have learned,

is a mystery.

That's what makes today

so special.

We witness two people

choosing to marry

ones they truly love.

Whoa whoa, hey!

Hey hey!

He's the best man.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I don't believe this.

Hat in hand.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm glad you're here.

And-and I'm sorry

I called you white trash.

- I didn't...

- John, apology accepted.

And I'm sorry I called

you a hillbilly,

I don't even know

what that meant.

John, it's okay.

Do you mind

if I get married now?

No, go ahead.

Hi, Todd.

Although we may choose

whom we marry,

- we don't always choose...

- Psst.

Claire, I'm not here

to bother you,

I just came to be his best man.

Don't worry about me.

Pretend I'm not here.

Okay.

I'm not a nut.

You look really pretty,

by the way.

That's all

I'm gonna say.

I can't stop

thinking about you.

It's all I think about

and I don't know what to do.

- Ahem.

- I'm sorry.

You see, love

is mysterious...

God, I miss you.

Okay, excuse me,

I'm sorry.

Claire, hold on a second.

Claire, Claire!

Claire, will you wait

just a second?

All I wanted was

a second alone

so I could try

to explain things.

But I've never gotten

that chance.

Maybe I don't deserve it.

So here goes.

For longer than I care

to remember,

my business has been

crashing weddings.

I crashed weddings

to meet girls.

Business was good.

I met a lot of girls.

And it was childish,

it was juvenile...

And pathetic.

Yeah, that's probably

the best word

to describe it.

But you know what?

It also led me to you.

So it's hard for me

to completely regret it.

And that person that you met

back at your folks' place...

that was really me.

Maybe not my name...

I'm John Beckwith

by the way... or my job,

but the feelings we felt

the jokes,

the stupid laughs...

that was all me.

I've changed.

I've realized something.

I crashed a funeral

earlier, and l...

Oh, Jesus.

It wasn't my idea.

I was basically

dragged to it.

I went with Chazz, who you forgot

to tell me is totally insane.

He also might be

a genius

because it actually does work.

He's cleaning up.

- John.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

That's neither here

nor there.

And I see this widow

and she's a wreck.

She's just lost the person

she loves the most in this world.

And I realized

we're all gonna lose

the people we love.

That's the way it is.

But not me,

not right now.

Because the person I love the most

is standing right here,

and I'm not ready

to lose you yet.

Claire, I'm not standing here asking

you to marry me.

I'm just asking you...

not to marry him.

And maybe take a walk.

Take a chance.

Wow!

Wow!

This congregation

really doesn't care

about how depressing

your life is, John, okay?

Claire, baby, could you just...

could you go back up on the altar

so we can have

a wedding?

I'm sorry.

I am.

What?

I can't marry you.

Secretary...

your daughter's a little...

Sack, I've always

liked you...

so I put up

with your stories

about scallops

and otters,

and it's all good

because you seemed

to make her happy

and that's what matters

to me most.

But this is

her decision.

Huh.

I stand by my daughter.

You don't know sh*t.

- Claire, go back up on the altar.

- No.

Claire! Claire, get up

on that altar right now.

- Stop it.

- Claire, get your f***ing ass

- on that altar right now!

- Wow, getting a nice preview

or what marriage is gonna be like

with Ike Turner here.

- Sack!

- Oh God, here it goes.

Share that with

the Dalai Lama, jackass.

- I think I had him.

- I know you did.

Just go

kiss the broad.

Would it be a total clich

if I kissed you right now?

Yes.

Just wonderful.

So damn beautiful!

With every death

there comes rebirth.

It's the circle of life.

We're gonna be

all right.

Hey.

Uh-uh-uh.

Hey.

Uh-uh!

- So, what's next?

- I'm starving.

Fujimora wedding,

Hey hey.

I'm just throwing it out.

I'm just saying, just...

They would have

great tempura.

We don't even have

a back story, I just...

- No, forget it, forget it.

- I'm talking out loud.

We're a folk-singing group

- from Salt Lake City!

- Yeah!

Yes we are.

In the morning

don't say you love me

'Cause I'll only kick you

out of the door

Stay with me...

Measure me

in metered lines

And one decisive stare

The time it takes

To get from here

to there

My ribs that show

through t-shirts

And these shoes

I got for free

I'm unconsoled

I'm Ionely

I am so much better

Than I used to be

And I'm leaning

On this broken fence

Between past

and present tense

And I'm losing

All those stupid games

That I swore

I'd never play

But it almost

feels okay

Circumnavigate

this body

Of wonder

And uncertainty

Armed with every

precious failure

And amateur cartography

I'm breathing deep

before

I spread those maps out

On my bedroom floor

And I'm leaning

On this broken fence

Between past

and present tense

And I'm losing

All those stupid games

That I swore

I'd never play

But it feels okay

And I'm leaving

With goodbye

And I'm losing

But I'll try

With the last ways left

To remember sing

My imperfect offering.

Sailing on this boat

away tonight

Thinking I might drown

if the waves aren't right

Wind pushing me

from side to side

And I'm thinking

Of what I had

And my sweetheart

And my sweetheart

And if I never see you

Again

I just want you to know

What I think

Sunday took me out

for a walk in the park

And as the dark ran round,

the track lights lit up

People running round

in their shorts in the rain

Again

And again

Thinking that you're

my sweetheart

You're my sweetheart

I can hardly see

the road

But I'm gonna try

Yeah, I'm gonna try

'Cause you're

my sweetheart

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