Wedding Crashers Page #11

sneaking around with Gloria

- behind my back?

- I wanted to tell you about Gloria.

I tried to.

I didn't know how.

And I'm sorry that you had

to find out this way.

I'll level with you.

I care about her a lot.

I love her.

What?!

You're unbelievable!

Judas!

Rule #5.

You're an idiot.

You're wrong to pull out

the rulebook on this.

There was never any rules about this.

What's the rule

about walking away? Never walk away

on a crasher in a funny jacket.

Rule #115.

You're an a**hole.

I'm awake

You're still sleeping

The sun will rise

Like yesterday

Everything

That we are now

Is everything

We can't let go

It's gone forever...

This is John.

Whatever.

Hey, John, it's Jeremy.

Uh, just calling to see

what you're up to, uh...

would love to hear

back from you, man.

Play sharp.

And we'll do the wedding

in peaches and apricots.

Even though it's a June wedding,

should the weather turn nasty,

warm colors will

really help you.

Don't you go away tomorrow...

Johnny.

Johnny, open up, man.

Does anyone ever feel

like they're just...

disappearing?

I feel so much

like giving up.

Yeah!

Get it?!

Put your hands out

like this.

- Claire.

- Please.

Hi.

Thanks for coming.

- Hey!

- Get off her, man! What are you doing?

You're supposed

to move your hands.

You're not getting

enough attention?

Love doesn't exist!

That's what I'm trying

to tell you guys.

And I'm not

picking on love,

'cause I don't think

friendship exists either.

Hey! Yeah!

Get down!

Put your hands up!

Are you okay?

Get up, buddy.

Move it on.

Gloria, I've been doing a lot

of soul-searching lately,

and l-I think

that I'm ready

to take, um,

this relationship,

our relationship

to the next level.

To what the next level

of the... of the...

of the relationship

would be.

- Jeremy!

- Is that good?

I'm so ready to take

it to the next level too.

Do you want to watch me

with a girl?

What about those Brazilian twins

we met at the ballgame?

L-I was... I was...

I was thinking

more along the lines of an... of an...

of an engagement.

But that sounds terrific.

That sounds... that sounds unbelievable.

The Brazilian girls were very nice.

They seemed like...

Oh, Jeremy, I do!

- I love you.

- I love you.

L-I can't believe that

they're getting married.

I mean don't you-you think

that's really soon?

Well, you know Gloria.

She's impetuous.

Has to have what she wants

when she wants it.

Well, we had to give her

a Sweet 16

on her 13th birthday.

You remember that.

Yeah, I remember,

but this is...

Dad, this is marriage!

When you know what you want,

you know what you want.

So...

which of these

do you like?

Um...

well, I could... I could go with the tall

tapered arrangement

with, uh, tulips

and freesias and orchids,

or I could go

with a votive

of roses and lilies,

I don't know.

- Claire bear.

- Yeah?

What's wrong?

Look...

we have no way

of knowing

what lays ahead for us

in the future.

All we can do is

use the information

at hand

to make the best

decision possible.

It's gonna be fine.

- Your whole life is gonna be fine.

- Yeah.

Happy birthday.

Can't let a little pissing and moaning

break tradition.

Oh right,

that's today.

I see you've been getting

into a little light reading.

That's not mine.

I bought that for a friend.

Yeah.

So how have you been?

- Great. Really spectacular.

- Good.

- What have you been up to?

- Eh, you know,

this and that.

Crashing weddings.

- Alone?

- No, not alone.

Well, who have you been

crashing with then?

Chazz.

- Chazz?

- Chazz.

- John, you don't even know Chazz...

- Yes, I do.

He's a great guy.

We've been having a ball together.

All right, look,

I wanted to come by here

and tell you that I feel really bad

about everything that's happened

between us.

Your friendship means

a lot to me.

I miss seeing you.

I know, l...

look, I'm...

I'm happy for you.

I'm glad

you found someone.

I can't tell you

how glad it makes me

to hear you

say that, man.

Get on in here,

let the big bear

get his paws on you.

You know I love you.

- It's good to see you.

- Good to see you.

Are you sure you've been...

this does not look like a guy

- who's been okay.

- Oh, I know.

- It's like a pigsty.

- It's like a mosh pit in here.

Listen,

I'm getting married.

- Get out.

- What?

You just sat there and said that you

were happy for me, that I'm...

I'm hanging by a thread.

I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.

- You said that the book wasn't yours.

- Don't worry about the book.

It isn't mine,

but I glanced at it.

John, you've been

my friend

for 16 years.

I'm getting married.

I need you there

to be my best man.

Kindly leave!

- I'm try...

- Kindly leave.

Would mean a lot to me

if you came.

Oh, I bet it would,

hillbilly.

What?!

- White trash!

- What are you talking about?

Out! Out!

You better get your ass

to that wedding.

- Yeah?

- Hi, is Chazz here?

Chazz, there's someone

here to see you!

Pick up your

f***ing skateboard!

Chazz?

What the f***

do you want?

I'm John Beckwith.

I'm friends

with Jeremy Grey.

God damn it,

why didn't you say so?

Come here, brother!

Give me a hug.

Bring it in

for the real thing!

Have a seat. Yeah.

God damn you!

I almost numbchucked you,

you don't even realize.

Ouch!

- Yeah.

- Hmm.

- Is this your place?

- No. No no no no no.

- No, I live with my Ma.

- Oh.

Yeah. You hungry?

Hey, Ma! Can we get

some meatloaf?

Chazz, I think I'm okay.

I had a bite

- right before I came over. Thank you.

- You sure?

- So, how's my proteg?

- Jeremy, boy, he...

Yeah, J-bone.

J-bone is... believe it or not,

he's getting married.

What?!

What an idiot!

Oh, what a loser!

Good good!

More for me and you.

More for... more for...

I gotta go.

Hey, babe, yeah.

You do whatever

you have to do.

- Thanks.

- Okay, be strong.

I'm just

living the dream!

That's unbelievable.

Oh, man,

I feel like, "Wow!"

It's like I come over,

I don't know what to expect.

I gotta be honest,

I come in, it's like,

a little like I'm trying to get

my bearings.

There's cartoons, your mom,

and it's like, you still got it!

Look at her!

"Just living the dream,"

I love that!

You know what? I will have some

meatloaf. Let's have some meatloaf.

- You want some?

- Yes!

I knew you'd come...

Hey, Mom!

The meatloaf!

We want it now!

The meatloaf!

What is she doing? I never know

what she's doing back there.

"Just living the dream."

Where did you get that girl?

- She's hot!

- I got her yesterday.

- Yesterday?

- Yeah.

I rode my bike over

to a cemetery nearby.

Her boyfriend just died.

- You met her at a funeral?

- Yeah.

The dude died

in a hang-gliding accident.

What an idiot!

"Oh, I'm hang gliding!

Honey, take a good picture...

I'm dead!"

What a freak!

You met her at a funeral.

Yeah, I'll throw in a wedding

every now and then,

but funerals are insane!

The chicks are so horny,

it's not even fair.

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