Wedding Crashers Page #10

But I, you know, was looking

to take advantage of something, too.

So could I really

feel that bad?

It's not like I was who I was.

You know what I'm saying? So, fair play.

And let's be honest

with each other here, okay?

Let's put all the cards on the table.

She's fit for a straitjacket.

This broad's f***ed

three ways towards the weekend.

And you wanna know what?

I dig it! It turns me on!

Yeah!

It turns me on!

Because you wanna know

what the kicker is, Father?

Maybe I'm a little

f***ing crazy!

That's right!

Maybe Jeremy's a little nuts.

Maybe there's something about me

that I'm a little cuckoo.

I know it's a surprise.

I know it's not on the surface.

I mean, I had an imaginary friend

when I was a kid. His name was Shilo!

We used to play checkers

with each other every day,

and bless his heart,

Shilo'd always let me win!

And that ain't normal!

There's something odd in that,

but maybe that's what it takes

to make you feel

like you're connected with somebody.

I don't know!

But I know when that redhead

starts getting kooky

that something about me

feels alive inside!

I'm diggin' talkin' with ya.

You're a really enlightened cat

and I like that about ya.

I think you're a special special man.

Okay, come in

for the real thing.

- Mmm? Mmm?

- Get in here for the real thing.

I love ya.

You're a sweet man.

Oh, dear God.

You can't marry this guy.

Why?

Because I've fallen

for you.

Wonderful.

Oh, good news

travels fast.

Excuse me.

Sorry, thanks.

Thanks.

Trapster, talk to me.

No sh*t.

And do you maybe feel

the same way?

Maybe.

Maybe. That's all

I needed to know.

But this is crazy,

because I don't know any...

- Why?

- I don't know anything about you!

- What do you mean?

- You do investments in New Hampshire

and you have a crazy brother...

Well, actually, I need to talk to you about

that. It's not a big deal,

but maybe you want

to sit back on the swing.

Run!

Johnny! She's trying

to kill me!

- Grandma!

- Whoa whoa!

- Get the gun from her!

- Put the gun down!

- Mother, stop!

- This is the real world, lady!

You can't just go

shooting people on a whim!

Why does grandma

have a gun?

- What did you do?

- I told you that in confidence!

- That was a confession!

- What are you talking about?

Why don't you

tell her, John?

- I don't know what's going on.

- You don't know?

- I'm playing catch up, too.

- I don't...

- Sack, what are you doing?!

- Remembering yet?

- You remember yet?

- Are you okay?

They're not who they say

they are, Claire.

- Those aren't even their real names.

- What?!

No, everything he told you

is a lie.

L-I don't understand

what you're saying.

Claire, they crash weddings.

They crash weddings

so that they can sleep with girls.

Everything that they have told us

is a complete fabrication.

No, you're joking.

All of it is a lie.

Don't you f***ing get up.

- Sack, will you just stop?!

- Okay okay.

Is that true?

No, well, no, it's...

not entirely.

No, it's a yes or no

question.

I know,

but it's complicated.

Yes or no?

Yes or no?

Yes...

- with shades of grey.

- Oh.

I'm not perfect,

but who are we kidding?

Neither are you.

And you wanna know what?

I dig it!

Jeremy tried

to seduce me!

You did?

I want my

painting back.

The painting was

a gift, Todd.

I'm taking it with me.

You had me going, son.

I thought it was

something special.

There's a ferry

leaving in 10 minutes.

I suggest

you be on it.

Come on, let's go.

I want you.

I love you.

He made a fool

out of you, Claire.

Come on, let's go.

Sweetheart.

Now bunch those panties up

into a little ball.

Put that little ball

right in your mouth.

- Oh, that's good.

- Hang up the phone.

Okay, and I will definitely call you

back later then.

- Come on, wrap it up.

- Talk to you soon. Thank you, Larry.

What the f***?

You can't knock anymore?

- I know how I can get to her.

- What?

I know how I can

get to Claire.

Oh, John, you gotta

drop this thing.

I'm... I can't do this

anymore with you, okay?

It's been several months,

and you haven't heard anything from her.

She hasn't returned

your phone calls,

she's never responded

to one of your letters,

- she didn't respond to the candygram.

- Right.

God knows what happened

to the little kitten that you got her.

Because she didn't keep it and I know

you're not raising that goddamn thing.

- Okay.

- I think it's very obvious

at this juncture that she just flat out

does not wanna see you.

I disagree. Now look, they're having

the engagement party

for her tonight at the Burke's club.

We're going at 7:30.

I'm not g...

John, I can't...

Okay okay, listen to me,

Tasmanian devil.

- Listen to me. I can't go.

- Why?

'Cause I can't go, because I have

a schedule. Because I have...

What is your deal?

What is your problem?

For the past couple of months

you've been a ghost.

I can't find you anyplace,

and now I come to you with an idea,

I put myself on the line,

you shoot it down with your negativity.

Your goddamn negativity!

I don't need it! I'm an idea man.

I thrive on enthusiasm. Don't take

the wind out of my sails. I need you.

Buddy, you know

I love you,

and I hate to see you

like this,

but we gotta look

at reality here.

There's gonna be Secret Service

at this thing. They have pictures of us.

There's not a shot in hell

we can get into this thing.

You're so cautious.

I'm more of a risk taker.

I'm two steps ahead of you

and 10 steps ahead of Secret Service.

Oh, yeah. 46 extra long,

baba ganoush special.

We're waiters!

Buddy, for your own good,

you gotta let this thing go.

Now, I'm gonna

meet you there at 7:30, okay?

Okay.

- Hey, how do I look?

- Good, man.

- Good.

- Where's your friend?

Late, as usual.

Is Claire...

- Oh, she's looking fine!

- Okay.

Next thing you know

they pick me up,

put me on the top

of this mountain

and they start chanting,

and I realized

they thought I was God!

And I'll tell you something,

I thought I was too.

Claire.

Let's dance.

- Huh?

- You!

Let's go, sport.

Whoa, hold it.

Sack!

Okay, Sackmaster,

one more.

We should get back to the bar.

You're right.

You get near

my fiance again,

I'll kill ya.

Let me say one thing.

Oh!

Did you check out

the rack on that bartender?

Hey, you're the Sack.

She'll come to you.

Oh my God, yeah, she will.

You're right.

Jeremy!

Everyone who's anyone

was there...

- God damn it.

- They all had something to share

About so-and-so

and on and on

I'm in the corner

speechless...

Perfect.

Johnny, wait a second.

Come on, John!

Oh, what time is it?

John, will you wait a second

so I can talk to you?

Hold on, man.

Will you stop? Stop...

I'm not gonna chase you

down the whole

f***ing street, man.

Hold on a second.

Let me talk to you for a second here.

About what?

About how you left me high and dry

- to get my ass kicked by Sack again?

- Sack did that to you?

And how long have you been

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