Wedding Crashers Page #9

It's kind of an interesting

combination.

I hunt quail, Jeremy!

They're overpopulated in this

region and they're decimating

the grub worm population.

You got a f***ing problem with that?!

Not nearly as much as I do with the,

uh, attire that you have on,

or just your general point of view

towards everybody.

But let's go kill some birds.

I'm psyched.

Have you even shot

one of these things before?

The whole 17 years

we've known each other,

I've been sneaking off to go on little

hunting trips around the world.

No, I don't even know

what the f*** a quail is!

I feel totally ridiculous.

Like why do I have to be in camouflage?

So the big bad quail

doesn't see me?

I know. It's like, why can't we

hunt something cool

like a hawk, or an eagle, or something

with some talons?

That'd be awesome. You mean, something

like big game even like a gorilla...

Yeah. Gorilla!

- Or rhinoceros...

- Rhino!

Or a f***ing human being?

That'll get you jacked up.

That's a little heavy.

I mean, like... you're hunting

a human being right now,

the most dangerous game.

Like a worthy adversary.

Not a human being that's armed...

- Oh, if he wasn't armed.

...but a clever... a clever human being

- who knows the jungle, or the woods.

- Or like a bad guy.

There's something not right

about these guys.

What do you mean?

- I mean, it's time to send them home.

- Sack, don't do anything crazy.

Just relax, I'm just gonna

scare them a little bit.

All right.

To the right!

Argh!

- Oo-ooh!

- Ooh.

- They got me!

- Oh, sh*t.

- They got me!

- Oh, sh*t.

Ow! Jesus!

- You okay, buddy?

- Oh, don't "okay, buddy" me.

Look, we just came by to say

we're gonna take a little bike ride

and then we're gonna come back

and check up on you.

And take care of him, okay? I want you

to get my little angel up and running.

- Hang in there.

- I hope you flip your bike over

and knock your two front teeth out,

you selfish son of a b*tch!

You leave me in the trenches

taking grenades, John!

Ch-ch-ch-uh,

ch-ch-ch-uh

Ch-ch-ch-uh, ch-ch-ch-uh

In the summertime

when the weather is hot

You can stretch right up

and touch the sky

When the weather's fine

you got women

You got women on your mind

- Wait wait wait wait.

- Have a drink, have a drive

Go out and see

what you can find

We're no threat, people

We're not dirty,

we're not mean

We love everybody, but we do as we

please, when the weather's fine

- We go fishing or go sailing...

- Yes!

- In the sea...

- Whoa!

- We're always happy...

- Come on!

Life's for livin',

yeah, that's our philosophy...

- Slow down!

- Dah, dah-dah, dah, dah...

Tough luck,

Ralphie boy...

- Randolph.

- Shh.

I'm watching

my stories, man.

Is that what

you get paid to do?

It's exactly what I get

paid to do.

Look, I want to know

where Claire is.

She took a bike ride

down to the beach.

With who?

With that fellow

from the wedding

that everyone seems

to be so fond of.

So you're a venture

capitalist?

What does that mean?

Oh, it's really not that

interesting, actually.

You don't sound

very enthused.

Oh, no, it's just...

you know, things

started happening

and you go down a road

and you think

it's just

for a little while.

And then you get

caught up in it

and you're

kind of into it

and just don't

even have time

to really ask questions about it.

And before you know it

you're living a life that you didn't set

out to, or that you intended to.

Do you know

what I mean?

Yes, I do.

I think that there's

some great things

that I'd like to do,

that-that maybe I'm

capable of, hopefully.

Oh, yeah?

Like what?

I don't know.

We'll see.

I'm still young.

Well...

you're not

that young.

I'm sorry.

Give me your hands.

I know this game.

Okay.

I'm not gonna bite you.

Do you want it full speed

or half speed?

Full.

You're never gonna hit me,

I don't think.

I'm pretty quick.

What?

- Let me get settled before you go.

- You didn't approve of that?

No, because

you're supposed to...

You gotta wait

until I put them back!

Come on!

So what about you...

with Sack?

Is that a good thing?

Yes, I think it's

a... good thing.

You don't sound

very enthused.

I am.

L... well, I mean,

I think I am, l...

I'm...

Okay.

I g... you know,

we've just been

talking so much

about the future lately

and, uh... I mean, I always assumed

that we would get married.

But, uh...

I'm scared.

I am.

But I think that

that's how everyone feels

before they're about to get married.

I mean,

don't you think?

Yeah, no.

Don't answer that.

That's my rationalization

and I'm sticking to it.

Fair enough.

And I don't mean to pry.

Yes you do.

Well, however it works out,

I hope you...

uh, I hope you realize

that you deserve

somebody great.

I have an announcement.

I know that we said

we were gonna wait, but, uh,

given the spirit

of this weekend

well...

Claire, come on.

Come on.

Come on come on, it's okay.

Come on! Come on.

Claire and I are

getting married.

Good, Sack.

That's wonderful!

- Wonderful.

- Wonderful!

Way to go, man!

Way to go!

Claire bear,

you never told me!

Two of the great

American families.

- Claire, you took us all by surprise!

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- You're good! You're good!

Can-can you just

give me one minute?

- Yeah!

- Okay.

Great.

Congratulations,

young man!

- Welcome to the family!

- This is wonderful!

Look, kid, I'm sorry.

You win some, you lose some, right?

- Let's go home.

- No, I'm not...

- I can't... I can't do that.

- What are you talking about?

Look, l-I think

I'm in love with her.

Yeah, l-l-I think...

I think that you're nuts.

That's what I think.

I'm gonna tell her

the truth.

Jesus Christ!

- Hey.

- Hey!

How are you!

Okay, listen, Gloria,

you know that I think

that you're an amazing person,

a really amazing person,

but I feel like I have

to be upfront with you.

L-l-I really don't see this relationship

going further than this weekend.

But I love you!

Yeah, I think you'll learn

as time goes on

that there's a difference

between infatuation

and love, you know?

Obviously, you're gonna have

strong feelings for me

because you lost

your virginity to me,

- but that doesn't mean...

- Oh, I wasn't a virgin.

- What?

- I wasn't a virgin.

Far from it.

I just thought that that's what guys

wanted to hear.

Come on.

Jeremy!

Wow!

Hello, son.

- You okay?

- Not now, Father, please.

No offense to you,

I think we might be

on different wavelengths.

I think you'd just be

spinning your wheels with me,

but, uh, have a little

of the sacrament here.

No one likes to drink alone.

We'll set you up.

There you go, get your hands on it.

Take it while it's hot.

Take it while it's hot. I'm gonna pour

till it's on the tray. Here it is.

Happy days.

Here's looking up your address.

She's good.

I mean, I believed

that she was a virgin.

It hurts to be lied

to like that.

It's a horrible feeling

to feel that way.

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