Wedding Crashers Page #8

Get in the closet.

It's okay, I was where

you were a year ago.

Get in the f***ing closet right now!

You go get in the closet!

You go get in the closet!

You go get in the closet!

You go get in the closet!

You go get in the closet! Go!

I'll pop out

at the right moment.

No, you will not!

Everything okay in here?

I thought I heard something.

I was just

having a bad dream.

Oh.

I know about bad dreams.

You know, Todd...

screams

at night sometimes.

You know, the doctors

call it night terrors.

I don't know.

Hmm?

Oh. Okay, then.

Sleep well.

There's nothing

terrifying about the night.

Now, listen, if you let me

go to bed and get some sleep

then l... we can

talk tomorrow.

You won't

make time for me.

If I get my sleep

I'll have to... I'Il...

I'll love to make time and talk about,

uh, uh, different things.

Like paintings.

Can't wait for tomorrow

when I got energy

and I can really share some stuff.

Okay.

- Oh, it's gonna be great.

- You sleep.

Mmm. Okay.

That was nice.

That was nice! Please

let me just sleep.

I can't take

this f***in' sh*t anymore!

There he is!

It's the big guy! Get in here.

Wait till you see the spread.

Anything you want.

Yeah, well, get

what you want to go.

The ferry leaves in 25 minutes.

We gotta get outta here.

Whoa, what's your problem?

Have some of this stuff.

I didn't get a lot of sleep

last night, John. I'm fried.

- Soft mattress?

- Yeah, that could've been it.

It could have been the soft mattress. Or, it

could've been

the midnight rape... or the nude, gay art

show that took place in my room...

one of those probably added

to the lack of sleep...

Try one of these scones,

you're gonna love 'em.

I'm a little traumatized

to have a scone. Let's move.

Will you slow down for a second?

The whole eyedrop thing backfired.

Okay? It didn't work. She had to

leave me and go attend to him.

Why are you looking

at me like that?

You're falling

for this broad.

No! I just met her.

Exactly.

I'm gonna go.

- You can't go.

- Watch me.

Watch me take this

on down the road.

If you leave, Gloria is gonna freak out

and throw a sh*t fit,

and it's gonna go into crisis lockdown

mode here at the house.

I don't give

a baker's f***!

I just had my own sock duct-taped

into my mouth last night!

- Whoa, what?

- Yeah, the sock

that I wore around all day,

playin' football in,

pouring sweat in,

was shoved into my mouth,

and there was duct tape over it!

Well, let's talk about it.

I'm a good listener.

I'm not in a place to discuss

what happened. Okay?

I felt like Jodie Foster

in "The Accused" last night.

I'm gonna go home,

see Dr. Finkelstein

and I'm gonna tell him...

we got a whole new bag of issues,

we can forget about

Mom for a while. I'm gonna go.

Suit yourself.

Rule #1.

Rule #1:
Never leave

a fellow crasher behind.

- I can't believe how selfish you are.

- I need you.

A friend in need is a pest.

I'll stick it out with you

because you're desperate.

- I need the big guy.

- I'm gonna try to give you

a little bit more time,

because somebody can't close.

- Fair enough.

- But if you want my help,

you gotta listen. Number one:

Stop being a p*ssy.

Number two:

Make a move.

Number three...

you know it.

Could you pop the syrup for me?

Just as a top off?

Here's what's

gonna happen, Tonto.

Kimosabe's gonna have

some flavor,

- I'm gonna choose not to eat with you.

- We're not gonna eat together?

No. I like to recharge

my batteries,

and shut down the engines,

and get myself back to neutral.

When the meal's over with,

I will talk to you.

I don't want to get

into what happened last night,

'cause it's only gonna make me mad.

Let's get through today,

let's keep our eye

on the prize, let's focus,

- and let's close some ass.

- Noted.

Can I tell you something

without you getting angry?

I love you.

Yeah, you, big guy.

I love you too.

Hello.

- Trapster, it's Sack.

- Sackmaster!

- How was the wedding?

- Oh, it was boring, you know,

but the bachelor party,

of course, rocked.

We got Heidi a couple

of those f***ing sluts

from the environmental

group, remember them?

No way!

Did you tap that again?

Once at my place,

then once back in the cab.

Damn! Sluts!

Oh, how's Claire?

Still trying to figure out

what she's doing with her life?

Claire? She's, you know,

whatever, I don't know.

She's saving the world

one maladjusted kid at a time.

But that'll all change

when we're married,

'cause I want a wife.

I don't want a f***ing martyr, right?

I hear that, my friend.

Hey, man, listen,

l-l-l-I got...

do you remember

that private detective we used

to set up that f***ing

Shearson Lehman prick?

The big sleazy, Tommy Gufano.

He's a wop genius.

Yes. I need you to get some dirt

on these two guys

John and Jeremy Ryan.

They're brothers from New Hampshire.

They got some sort of N.P.O. Called

"Holy Shirts & Pants."

- I will check into them.

- Excellent, bro.

- You da man!

- Take it easy.

Where's Sack?

Oh, he's... he's still

not feeling very well.

Well then, we'll sail

without him.

- John my boy.

- Yes?

We're tacking back round.

Do me a favor,

ease the sheets,

swing the jib

starboard.

Okay, let me...

Okay.

One minute.

- Hi. How's it going?

- Hi.

Oh, just swinging the jib

here for your dad.

Starboard. Trying to get it over here

and crease the sheet.

Um, but starboard's

this way.

- Oh, that's right. What am l...

- Yeah.

- What am I thinking?

- I'll help.

- Okay.

- Hang on, hang on.

- Watch the jib boom.

- Oh.

All right, push it.

Push it this way.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, this is better.

- Come on, use some muscle.

- There we go.

All right, that's beautiful.

Done. Done.

You know, I'm used to sailing

down under with the Kiwis,

so everything

is backwards.

Even the toilets...

when you flush them,

the water spins

the opposite way.

Really freaks you out

the first time you see it.

John my boy,

come on up here.

Man "The Woodwind"

for a while.

On my way.

Hey, your dad was telling

me about a great beach near here

that maybe we could

check out

if you have any interest

when we get back.

Yeah.

Great. Okay, it can get

confusing up here.

If you have a problem,

just give me a call.

Thank you.

Ah, sailin'!

What have we got, Captain?

Take the wheel.

Thanks.

Now how would one

get to this Sook's Bend?

Actually, it would be

a really nice bike ride.

Everything's ready

for the quail hunt!

For the quail hunt?

Yeah. It's a... it's

a Cleary family tradition.

Well, I think you might have

to deal me out on this,

- 'cause we were gonna...

- Nonsense, I insist.

John, you gotta go! You're gonna

love it! You're gonna love it!

Sack, honey, um, you're a little bit

sick for hunting.

Oh, no, I'm great!

Honey, I'm great!

Oh, I'm going!

Right? Right?

Okay. You're going.

- So, I guess I'll see you later.

- See you later.

Just take it easy, okay?

- Okay.

- Okay.

Mr. Environmental

is also a-a hunter.

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