Wedding Crashers Page #7

there in Washington?

- Mommy.

- You know, Willy's father, my husband

was the Secretary of State

for President

Franklin Roosevelt.

That must have been

so thrilling... FDR.

My gosh, FDR was

a wonderful President.

He was a doll.

The wife, though,

Eleanor...

- big dyke!

- Oh Lord.

Huge dyke!

A real rug muncher!

Looked like

a big lesbian mule.

Grandma, you can't talk

like that, okay? It's not right.

Somebody... somebody get me

another Scotch for Christ sakes!

I think I'm

gonna go to bed.

Honey, are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine. You know,

I'm just a little tired. Thanks.

- Okay.

- You all right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

What an athlete.

A tremendous competitor.

I know.

Todd, I noticed that you haven't even

touched your food yet.

- I don't eat meat or fish.

- He's a homo.

Mommy, let's not

go there again.

Actually, um, Todd

is an amazing painter.

He's going to the Rhode Island

School of Design.

Oh, that's a great school.

Congratulations, Todd.

That's really

impressive, "Rizdee."

Yeah, Dad... Dad used to think

I'd be a political liability,

you know, in case

he ever ran for President.

Now, Todd!

Actually, truth be told,

polling shows a majority

of the American people

would ultimately empathize

with our situation.

- What is our situation, Dad?!

- You're a homo.

Oh, for God sakes, William,

put Mommy to bed already.

Okay. Mommy,

we've had a long day.

I can do it myself, a**hole.

Wow.

I'll be in my room painting.

Homo things.

You just go

right ahead, Toddy.

- Mmm, wonderful scallops.

- Absolutely. Wonderful.

You know, um...

I think I'm

gonna get some air.

Oh, I'll get some air

if you want some company.

- Sure.

- Let me just change my shoes.

- Excuse me.

- All right. I'm gonna... can't walk away

from the delicious food

that we got here.

I just had my tits done.

You like 'em?

Those... seem like lovely tits.

William doesn't give

a sh*t about my tits.

Well, darn him.

But Mrs. Cleary,

this is pretty sudden.

You've been playing cat and mouse

with me ever since you came here.

- Mrs. Cleary, I don't...

- Call me Cat.

Okay, Cat...

Call me Kitty Cat.

Okay, Kitty Cat,

this feels borderline

inappropriate, and...

- Feel them.

- What?

- I said feel them.

- Mrs. Cleary...

Kitty Cat.

I'm sorry, Kitty Cat.

Are you out of your f***ing mind?

I'm not letting

you out of this room

until you feel them.

Wow, they feel really nice.

Real orb-like.

It's amazing what

they can do to...

Pervert.

- John, I need to talk to you.

- No, not right now.

What's wrong with you? Why you got

the weird look all over your face?

Claire's mom just made

me grab her hooters.

Well, snap out of it!

What? A hot, older woman

made you feel her cans?

Stop crying like a little girl.

I wasn't crying

like a little girl.

Why don't you try getting jacked off under

the table in front

of the whole damn family and have

some real problems? Jackass.

What were they like, anyway?

They look pretty good. Are they real?

Are they built for speed or for comfort?

What you do with 'em? Motorboat?

You play the motorboat?

Ppppt!

You motorboatin' son of a b*tch.

You old sailor, you!

Where is she?

She still in the house?

What is

wrong with you?

What do you mean what's wrong with...

what's wrong with you?

- No, what's wrong with you?

- No, what's wrong with you?

- You're projecting.

- Drop it.

You drop it!

You stop projecting on me.

Why don't you go enjoy yourself while

I go ice my balls and spit up blood?

- Drop it!

- "Team player."

Hey! Good thing

I didn't hold my breath.

Yeah, I'm sorry,

I just, uh...

Sorry I'm late, I just...

You okay?

No no, I'm fine, I just...

I just got, uh, held up.

Hmm. My family's

a little strange.

A little strange?

Come on. Claire.

Your family...

are totally nuts.

- And guess what?

- What?

- I love it.

- You do?

- Yeah, it seems great.

- Really?

- Yes!

- I get a little self-conscious.

It's a family!

You're mixing it up.

You got the sweet little

grandma who's really sweet

with her, like, little, like,

white hair, but then she's kinda mean.

But you're like,

"Well, f*** it, she's so old,

and she's not

gonna change now."

- Oh.

- Sh*t, it was great!

I just hope I didn't embarrass myself

with that stupid joke I told.

Are you kidding?

That was so funny!

- No, really? Really?

- Yeah! Yeah, you're like that

crazy guest who thinks he's part

of the family already, it's great.

Doesn't sound that great.

That sounds horrible.

- No, it's cute.

- The crazy guest who thinks he's

like a part of the family who's gonna say

inappropriate stuff? What is that?

- Yeah. You know, you break the ice.

- Yeah.

It can be so stuffy sometimes in there.

Claire?

- Yeah?

- There you are.

Have you checked on Sack?

I think he's pretty sick.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

No, I'll be right in.

Um, I should...

I should go check on him.

Yeah, sure, okay.

Yeah, we'll take a walk some other time.

- Claire.

- Mm-hmm?

I'Il... I'll talk to you later.

Okay.

Oh no.

Are you okay?

Well, Claire, um...

my head's buried

in a toilet.

What do you think?

Why don't you do the math, okay?

Honey, it's okay to be vulnerable

sometimes. It's just me.

Yeah, you can just cut that psychobabble

bullshit that your mom tells you, okay?

- Right.

- Hey, you wanna help me out?

Do ya? Do ya, kid?

Why don't you go get me a 7-Up, okay?

All right,

'cause I think I'm...

I think I might

get vulnerable again.

What the f... f***

is going on?

Shh, shh, shh!

You'll wake my dad.

Baby, I started thinking

about what you said before

and I think the problem is I am not

being adventurous enough for you!

Gloria, I am pretty sure that is not

what I've been saying to you.

Shh!

Baby...

I'm gonna make all

your fantasies come true.

But the... my fant...

I love you.

Till I drive you away

I know

what you'll say

You say oh

Someone you know

But I promise you this

I'll always

look out for you

Yeah, that's

what I'll do

I say oh

Oh-oh

I say oh

Oh-oh-oh

I saw sparks

Yeah, I saw sparks

I saw sparks

Yeah, I saw sparks

I saw them

La la la.

Gloria,

go to sleep, honey.

It's not Gloria.

Jesus Christ!

We had a moment at

the dinner table, didn't we?

No. No, we did not have

a moment at the dinner table.

Yes! We had a moment.

I was right there. Todd, I would have

noticed if there was a moment.

- There was no moment.

- I made you a painting.

What?

I call the painting

"Celebration."

It's sexual and violent.

I thought you might like it.

No.

Where's that coming from?

You hear that?

- Hide! You gotta hide! Yes.

- No. They need to know about us.

- It's okay.

- No no no no. Hide hide hide!

Please please please.

You gotta hide, you gotta hide!

Not there. Not there!

I'm not comfortable...

I'm not comfortable with that!

- Let's play tummy sticks!

- What's tummy sticks?

I don't want to play tummy sticks!

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