Wedding Crashers Page #6

into me today, guys. It's just...

Nature versus nurture, Lodge.

Nature always wins.

What are you doing?

It's a game of touch.

Every time I look over,

you're on your ass again.

If I had any air in my lungs,

I'd scream at you!

Oh, now you're

gonna blame me?

'Cause you're not athletic

enough to stay on your two feet?

I hate you.

Let's take

a daiquiri time-out.

Daiquiris.

Oh!

Sweetheart, why don't you take him

into the house and fix him up?

- Sure, Mom.

- Oh, don't baby him,

- it just makes it worse.

- Oh! My back hurts.

Oh, great.

Game's over. Satisfied?

You got everyone on you now?

Get all the attention.

Come on, baby.

- It's hot out here.

- Yeah, it is.

You should have played

in your underwear.

I'll get you a drink.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

It burns.

- Oh! Poor baby.

- It stings. Oh, Jesus.

You want me

to blow on it?

No. No no no.

No no no.

No, I don't need any blowing.

I'm good, I'm good.

- I'm... thank you.

- Jeremy, I'm not wearing any panties.

- Oh. Yeah.

- That's right.

- Ooh, ah, oh!

- Um, uh, okay. That's fun. That's nice.

Okay, I don't understand

what's going on.

It's like eight hours ago

you were a shy little virgin,

and now you're not wearing any

panties. I'm just trying to...

- to catch up with you here.

- You do that to me. Ooh.

- Where's my little friend?

- I do what... no no no.

- Where's my little friend?

- He's tired. He's tired.

- Where's my little friend?

- He's in time-out, he's in time-out.

Gloria, please! I'm exhausted,

I'm exhausted. I've had a very long day.

I'm just a... I had

your sister's boyfriend

dry hump me up and down

the field all afternoon.

My leg's cut and bleeding. I'm just...

I'm not really in the mood for this.

Ow! Jesus Christ!

My father warned me about

people like you, Jeremy.

I'm just another

notch on your belt!

Wha... this is not like that.

What are you talk... it's not like that!

Really?! Then what's

it like, Jeremy, huh?

- Ow! Ow! No! Wait! Wait!

- Huh?!

It's just that I'm

feeling very strongly

that we're only starting

to express ourselves

in a physical,

sexual-specifically way.

That's it! Wait!

And I'd like to play some catch-up on

finding out who's inside here.

Okay?

Jeremy.

- Jeremy, you're amazing!

- Oh God, I think you're amazing.

- Oh my God, don't ever leave me.

- Ever.

Good! 'Cause I'd find you.

Yeah.

Of course like all kids, I had

imaginary friends, but not just one.

I had hundreds and hundreds and all

of them from different backgrounds

who spoke different languages.

And one of them, whose name was Caleb,

he spoke a magical language

that only I could understand.

Get him all patched up?

I sure did, Daddy.

Gloria bug.

You go change for dinner.

Okay.

You know, she's not just

another notch on the old belt.

I don't even wear

a belt. Beltless.

I'm a very powerful man.

Yes, you are.

See you for dinner.

So, I am President of the

Environment Defense League.

- And I pick up this little sea otter...

- Oh!

...and... and... and... wipe off

the oil from the tanker spill.

All right, you gotta step this up

already. I'm gonna give you

- the damn eyedrops.

- No, I don't want 'em.

- It's too hardcore.

- Well, do you want to be alone

- with her or not?

- Yes.

Put a few of these in his drink and

he'll be going down on toilet seat

- for the next 24 hours.

- I don't want to do it.

I can beat this guy.

Let's be honorable for once.

And the whiskers.

And the oil's... the oil's

flapping, he goes...

- Give me the eyedrops.

- Thank you.

Perfect.

Let us bow our

heads in prayer.

Heavenly Father,

we thank You for Thy

bounty on this table

and ask that You bless

the entire Cleary family

and all the friends

here assembled.

- Amen.

- Amen.

- Mm. Oh, these scallops look fantastic.

- I, uh... I bought them from

an organic scallop farm right off

the coast of, uh, Nattachoke.

Actually, Sack got the Governor

to subsidize part of the project.

And now it's the state's only

self-sustaining scallop farm.

Say that five times, fast.

You can't do it. Self-sustaining...

They actually look terrific.

Maybe I'll actually try some

when I get the sensation

back in my face.

- From the, uh... football game.

- Again, Jeremy, I'm sorry.

I just, you know, I have

this damn competitive streak.

Um... I'm seeing

a Buddhist about it.

Not just any Buddhist. His Holiness,

the Dalai Lama. He's a good friend.

Stop traffic. Because when

I go back to town,

I'm actually gonna

see an orthopedist

about what you did to my back.

And not just any orthopedist,

I'm gonna see a Dr. Epstein

who specializes in...

Hey, Sack, how long have you

and Claire been seeing each other?

Claire and I? Um, what's it been,

sweetheart? A couple years?

Three and a half.

Yeah, um, actually, we started

dating while we were doing

- Habitat for Humanity.

- Sure.

Pretty soon...

we'll be getting married.

Yep.

Well, not too soon, um...

We still have a lot of things

that we want to accomplish.

Anyway, once Claire

and Sack tie the knot,

two of the great American families,

the Clearys and the Lodges,

- will finally unite.

- Hear, hear.

And then of course, you can

challenge the Klingons

for interstellar

domination, right?

Jeremy...

I saw you

on the dance floor.

You move pretty good.

Oh. Thanks a lot.

L... really just got lucky.

I was more in the zone

than anything else.

It was

the booze dancing.

Sorry guys, I forgot.

How are you guys connected

to the family again?

Uncle Ned's kids.

You know...

Uncle Ned?

Aunt Liz's brother.

Ned and Liz.

Hmm. No, I don't know.

So, Jeremy,

you and your brother are

venture capitalists.

- That's right.

- That's great.

Venture capitalist.

The backbone of the system.

- It's the new pioneer.

- New pioneer.

So is it just

about the money?

No no, it's about,

investing in companies that

are ethically and morally defensible.

Well, like what?

Give me an example.

Like what? Well, there's the company

that we have where we're taking the...

the fur or the wool

from sheep

and we turn it into thread

for homeless people to sew.

And then they

make it into cloth,

which they in turn sew

then, um...

make some shirts

and pants

for other homeless people to sell.

It's a pretty good deal.

- People... people helping people.

- Yeah.

That's... that's very admirable.

Thank you. Although, don't make me

out to be a saint just yet.

We do turn a small profit.

After all, someone

has to pay for the, uh,

lap dances for

the big guy here.

Oh!

He's joking around.

It feels so good when he jokes.

What's this, uh,

company called?

- Holy sh...

- Shirts & Pants. Holy Shirts & Pants.

It's a little corny

and obvious,

but what do you get

out of being subtle, right?

Well, that's a hell

of a good project.

I'm gonna mention something

to the Commerce Secretary.

That would be terrific.

That would be great, huh?

Terrific,

it was terrific.

Isn't my Willy doing a wonderful job

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