Wedding Crashers Page #5

even think of me to include me in

something like that, Gloria. Thank you.

It kills me however to have to tell you

I'm sorry, I just... timing's no good.

- I won't be able to make it.

- Why?

- It's gonna be so much fun!

- It's gonna be so much fun!

I'm sure it will be fun for the...

for the people that are going.

L-I unfortunately can't go.

L-I don't have, um...

I only have this monkey suit.

- I don't have any clothes.

- No, we have everything you need.

- Problem solved. Problem solved!

- The problem's not solved.

- The problem's not solved.

- Deal us in.

Oh, cool cool cool!

I'm gonna run and find my dad! Ah!

Hey, don't ask your dad!

Don't ask your dad! Don't...

- The train's going. We gotta get on.

- That's true. Why don't... why don't you

- just feed me to the lions?

- What?

- Step on my head when I'm drowning.

- What?

What a great friend.

What do you mean, what?

John, this is completely

against the rules.

You have a wedding and a reception

to seal the deal. Period.

- There's no overtime. No!

- Oh, no overtime?

What about the Chang wedding

three years ago?

- Oh, that's bullshit.

- Yeah, thought I forgot about that.

play mah-jong with her grandmother

at a retirement home.

Yeah, completely

different situation.

- How?

- What do you mean how?

She was a very very

family-oriented girl.

And she was very into her grandmother.

They're very family-oriented.

- Give me a break!

- That was my first Asian!

- You better lock it up.

- You better lock it up.

- No, you lock it up. Lock it up.

- You lock it up. Lock it up.

Please! It would mean

so much to me, please!

Look at the way

he's looking at me.

I can tell he doesn't like me, John.

He's the Secretary of the Treasury.

And to be honest with you,

my taxes aren't exactly in line.

Oh, come on,

you're being paranoid.

He's threatened

by the way I dance.

Damn it! Why'd I have to

go showin' off like that?

Now I'm all over

his radar. Stupid!

You're not

that good a dancer.

Oh, please!

You and I both know

I'm a phenomenal dancer.

Now I know you're lying

through your teeth!

You'll do anything

to get me to go on this thing,

even if I have to walk

right into the lion's den.

Gloria, come on!

You know I'm not gonna give in

to this kind of behavior.

She's like a kid at Toys R Us.

I can't be around it.

Oh, get off your high horse.

Stop judging people.

You take off the white wig,

and you stop judging me.

I don't want to be around

someone who's a nut job.

- I need some alone time with her.

- If you want to hang out with Claire,

the boyfriend and Cybill,

by all means. I'm not going.

Let me lay it out for you in simple

chapter and verse: You're going.

Let me break it down for you so you

understand:
I'll hold your hand like

- a small child. I'm not going.

- Yes, you are.

You can go if you want. I'm... no,

I'm not. No, I'm not.

You're gonna be a team player

for once in your life.

- He'd love you to come.

- Yes! Yes! Baba ganoush!

- What do I do?

- Baba ganou!

Okay okay.

Home sweet home.

- You okay?

- Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.

Come here, come here.

Are you okay? Because I'm gonna need

and you're looking

a little weird.

She took me below deck

for 45 minutes. I don't have

- any bodily fluids left in me.

- Gentlemen, everything okay?

- Great! Yep.

- Great?

You know, we were thinking about

a little game of touch football,

- you know.

- Yeah?

- Cleary family tradition.

- A little pigskin, why not?

- Great.

- Don't forget to stretch, guys.

We're gonna be on the field in 10.

- Clothes fit.

- Ooh.

I'm not even gonna say it, but you...

you-you know I'm upset.

I know you are.

I think you look good.

You know

I don't look good.

Hey, honey!

I'm over here!

Are you ready?

Are you ready for some football?

You want the noise brought on you?

'Cause here it comes.

- The what?

- The noise brought on you,

- 'cause here it comes.

- Just hike the ball, nut job.

Ready! Set!

Hut! Hut! Hike!

One Mississippi, two Mississippi,

three Mississippi.

Over here!

Me me me me!

- Yes! - Ooh!

- Whoo!

- Yes! Crab cakes and football!

- That's what Maryland does!

- Nice one!

- A little out of shape?

- Yeah.

- Way to bring it!

- Way to anticipate that rush, man.

- No, I just saw you had it.

- Hey, shut up!

You gotta anticipate that rush.

- Cool, no, of course I do.

- You did a great job.

- What happened, Toast?

- I think he's on steroids.

It was like trying to cover

a f***in' racehorse.

Get it up!

Get it up!

Well, don't worry about it.

We'll burn 'em with the post.

No no. No, I got

a better idea.

Look, I want you to

fake the post,

throw an interception to Claire,

get her to feel good, you know?

Gets them foamy.

You think you can do that?

John, I was first team, all-state.

I can put the ball wherever I want to.

I'll make it rain out here.

All right, guys, bring it in. Blue 17!

Blue 17! Red 7!

- Oh, you're gonna cover me?

- Like white on rice.

All right, I like my odds here.

I'm gonna give you a little warning,

- I'm going downtown.

- Hot route!

Red seven,

red seven, red seven!

Look for me in the endzone after this

play, I'll be the guy holding the ball.

- John! Red seven!

- What? I don't know

- what "red seven" means.

- Hot route!

I don't...

w-what is "hot route"?

Will you just go stand

on the other side, please?

Are you runnin'

away from me?

- No! I'm just gettin' over here.

- You scared?

- Down!

- Come on!

Ready, down, set!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!

Go, Jeremy!

Hey, yo!

Hit me! Hit me!

Boo-ya!

That's what we call

a "Sack lunch"!

Num-num-num-num-num-num!

Ow! Bird.

Big tree fall hard, right?

How many fingers I got up? Come on,

Pepe, how many fingers I got up?

Oh, come on, I got

four. Okay, here's five.

Man down!

We got a man down!

You okay?

Hey, is your brother okay?

What? Aw, he's fine.

I can't breathe.

- What's that?

- I can't breathe.

No no no, I think

he's really hurt.

Well, serves him right

after that throw.

Hey! Baba ganoush!

I don't know... I don't know

what got into me, Secretary, I just...

I do. Five generations

of Lodge family breeding.

- Your father used to pull...

- I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

- The same stunt when we were your age.

- I can't breathe.

- Is that right?

- You okay?

Great!

You threw it perfectly!

Come on, get up!

- Don't oversell it.

- I'm not selling anything.

Come on, stop milking it. You make

us look like a bunch of pussies.

Jeremy!

Sit this play out.

Todd, come on in.

You must be joking.

It wouldn't kill you to play

some competitive sports

once in a while, would it?

Well, would that

make you love me?

Pfft. Jesus.

Hey, Jeremy,

red moon dog 7-11!

Hut one! Hut two!

Blitz!

Jeremy!

Hoo-ah!

Oh!

- Oh.

- That looked like it hurt.

- I got you!

- No, you didn't!

- You're cheating! Oh my God.

- You're cheating!

- The only...

- Your brother, he's down again.

What is his deal?

L... I don't know what's getting

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