Wedding Crashers Page #4

- What have we got?

Come back with

some more stuff.

That's good, though. These

bacon-wrapped scallops, phenomenal.

Okay, so what angle

you gonna play here?

I'm gonna go with the balloon-animal

display for the kids,

and then when she comes close to

check it out, guess who's a broken man?

- Haunted past, that's it.

- Haunted past. Excellent.

- How about you?

- I'm gonna dance with

the little flower girl or I might be

a charter member of Oprah's Book Club.

- It's all deadly.

- Yes.

I'll see you in a little.

Final touch.

There it is.

One happy elephant.

All right.

Who else

wants something?

I want a bicycle.

A bicycle? Well, a bicycle,

that would take a lot of balloons

and honestly Uncle Jeremy's

a little tired right now

so why don't we do something like, uh...

let's say a giraffe?

I just want a bicycle!

Why-why are

you yelling at me?

Whatever, make me

a bicycle, clown!

I'm gonna make

you a bicycle.

But I don't want

to make you a bicycle.

Shut your mouth,

funny guy, and make it!

You got it.

There you go.

Yeah, you got it.

Let's see how you do

with somebody your own age.

I think I'm up

to the challenge.

All right, will you save me

a dance for later?

- Maybe.

- Okay.

Go on, take it, you hyena.

Don't say thank you.

Hi. You're good.

That thing? I'm just warming up.

Last week I did a, uh,

exact replica of...

to scale... of Wrigley Field.

- Ha!

- Honest to God.

- I don't have anywhere to put it.

- Okay, then I'll take a sportscar.

How about a dance?

That's what

I really wanted.

So how long have you

and the Secretary been married?

Oh, that's beautiful.

Yeah, and we were

faithful for two of them.

- Hmm?

- Enjoy the party.

- Congratulations, Mr. Secretary.

- Thanks.

Secretary Cleary,

John Ryan.

- Hi, John.

- I just wanted to tell you how much

I enjoyed your position paper

on economic expansion in Micronesia.

You've read

my position paper?

I read it while I was

sailing my boat to Bermuda.

A sailor?

- Good man, take a seat.

- Oh, thanks.

You didn't happen

to catch my speech

on the Paraguayan debt

and money supply issue, did you?

Are you kidding me?

I thought it was great.

Your argument

for the inverse ratio

of capitalization

to debt was genius.

Now, if we can just get

Congress not to be so shortsighted.

Yes! Well put.

"Shortsighted."

John, what do you say

you and I head out to the deck

and light up

a couple of cigars?

- Stogies?

- Yeah.

Why not?

It's just that we lost a lot

of really good men out there.

I'm sorry.

Gloria, I think I gotta

go get some fresh air.

Thank you so much for the dance

and it was wonderful to meet you.

I wish I were stronger.

Jeremy!

Jeremy, wait up!

Well, the guy wants

to run for President.

Oh, so you're hiding, I see.

He thinks Moby Dick is

a venereal disease.

Well, that's what I need.

Claire...

Sorry to interrupt.

- Um, Christina wants to talk to you.

- Fun's over.

- Yeah.

- Funny.

- Franklin!

- What a great guy.

You are a big hit

at this wedding.

Well, everyone's

so nice. It's easy.

- They're all full of sh*t.

- What?

Half of these people

are here because of my dad.

They're all just, you know,

suckling at the power teat.

No no.

Come on, they're here because

they want to believe they're

in the presence of true love.

That's why people come to weddings,

'cause they wanna believe in true love.

What's true love?

True love is your soul's recognition

of its counterpoint in another.

Well, it's a little cheesy,

but... I like it.

Uh, I saw it

on a bumper sticker.

- So, you gonna give a toast?

- Yes.

- Nervous?

- Mm... little bit. Um...

What are you gonna say?

Would you?

You keep it in your cleavage.

Nowhere else to put it.

Normally, I'm not very

good at these things,

but l-I think

this one's pretty good.

"I never thought my sister

would find someone

who cared about what other people

thought as much as she did...

- until I met Craig"?

- Yes!

That's funny! That's funny because

it's true. You know, people like funny.

I know. But the whole

funny-because-it's-true bit

only works if the truth

is a small thing

like "Everyone knows Jennifer likes

to shop," Ha ha ha.

I think you're better off going

with something from the heart, honestly.

I think that people

are gonna like this.

I think you're

gonna hear crickets.

- I thing you're wrong.

- Sounds of silence.

- Nope.

- Okay, go walk the plank.

- Mmm-mm. I'm sticking to it.

- Go ahead.

Hey, meet me

at the back of the room.

I'll be the guy waiting

to say "I told you so."

Good luck!

And so, after my ninth stint in rehab,

um, Craig...

oh, Craig.

Craig was the only one

who still believed in me.

Been sober now

for eight months.

And uh...

I thank God every day,

for sending me

a friend like Craig.

I love you, man.

I never thought that

my sister would find someone

who cared about what

other people thought

as much as she did

until I met Craig.

Uh...

Um...

as you all know,

my sister and Craig

are both lawyers

at big law firms

in New York.

But that's not the only thing

they have in common.

Um, they both like

the color green

like Craig's eyes

and money.

Um, uh...

you know, someone

once told me that

true love is

the soul's recognition of

its counterpoint in another.

And I think that

that's a very rare thing in this world.

And I think it's something

to be valued.

And I'm just really happy

that my big sister's found it.

Uh, congratulations, Chris.

Ah! That was amazing!

It was really great.

We should probably head back

so they're not lookin' for us.

I always knew my first time

would be on a beach.

First time?

- You were a virgin?

- Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Jeremy, we're gonna

be so happy together.

I love you.

- I'm sorry?

- I love you!

- You totally saved me.

- No.

- Yes.

- Claire, come on. Come here.

Mm!

Oh, baby,

you were awesome.

- No.

- Listen to me, awesome.

Okay.

Uh, John, this is... this is

my boyfriend, Sack.

- Hey, fella.

- How you doing?

- Listen, we've gotta

go meet the Schreibers.

Okay, was great to meet you.

Thank you!

Boom, I gotcha!

Oh, great!

Good to see you.

I've been looking all over for you.

I gotta get outta here pronto,

- I've got a Stage Five clinger.

- No no, I need more time.

Did you hear what

I just said to you?

Stage 5? Virgin? Clinger?

Let's go, I'm gonna start the car.

I'm serious, let's go.

I don't think that you're

appreciating the urgency here.

Not only is she a virgin,

she's totally off the reservation.

I'm terrified of this broad.

- Here you are!

- Hey! Gloria, wow!

What a coincidence,

I was just singing your praises.

- This is John Ryan.

- Oh, hi.

- Yeah.

- So my family and a few friends,

we're all going back to our little place

on the shore and it would be

- so great if you guys came.

- Really?

- Sounds sort of wonderful.

- I am...

well it does, it sounds...

it sounds very nice.

But-but and I'm flattered

that you would

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes