Wedding Crashers Page #3

they got oysters, snacks,

phenomenal finger food.

I'm tired, okay? My feet hurt.

My voice is hoarse.

Oh, please don't take

a turn to negative town.

What are you talking about?

Who's getting negative?

Well, at the Buckner nuptials you were

sitting and sulking in the corner.

I wasn't sulking.

I twisted my ankle.

Rule #6:

Do not sit in

the corner and sulk;

it draws attention to you

in a negative way.

Draw attention to yourself,

but on your own terms.

Please don't quote

the rules to me, I know them.

When Chazz Reinhold passed the sacred

rules of wedding crashing onto us

he gave us a legacy.

You make it sound

like a cult, okay?

And from everything you've told me

about Chazz, he sounds like a kook!

You bite your tongue.

Chazz Reinhold is not a kook!

He is a brave and a decent man.

He is a pioneer!

He lived with his mother till he

was 40! She tried to poison his oatmeal!

Erroneous! Erroneous.

Erroneous on both counts!

- Oh, Lord. Here we go again.

- What you should be worried about

is not Chazz Reinhold,

who is in the hall of fame.

What you should be worried about

is you're getting sloppy.

Now, if you sit there

and expect me to go out on a limb

and try to pull off

the greatest crash of all time,

I gotta know that

your head's right.

There is no room

for error.

Secret Service.

Consequences.

I love your enthusiasm.

If I do this,

I don't wanna half-ass it.

I want it well planned.

He's back!

All right, partner.

We'll start scheming tonight, okay?

- Sounds good.

- If you need me, I'll be on line six.

Okay.

Could be fun.

- Wow.

- Mr. Senator.

- Congratulations, Kathleen.

- Thank you.

- Bill, congratulations.

- Thank you, Senator.

Secretary, they just

grow up so damn fast.

That's the truth.

- Okay. Let's do our pregame.

- What do you got?

A few articles on Secretary Cleary's

economic policies.

There's also a roster of key family

members, a glossary, sailing terms.

- Sailing?

- Sailing's like sex to these people.

- They love it.

- Harvard, Kennedy School of Government,

Mom's big with charities,

blah blah blah.

Three daughters, one son.

I get it. Good work.

Good.

Let me see that again, please.

Handsome.

Okay, what's our back story?

We're brothers from New Hampshire,

we're venture capitalists.

I'm sick of that!

Let's be from Vermont

and let's have an emerging

maple syrup conglomerate.

Wait, that's stupid. We don't know

anything about maple syrup.

I happen to know everything there is

to know about maple syrup.

I love maple syrup.

I love maple syrup on pancakes.

I love it on pizza. I like to take maple syrup

and put a little bit in my hair

when I've had a rough week.

What do you think holds it up, slick?

It's the first quarter of the big game

and you want to toss up a Hail Mary!

I'd like to be pimps from Oakland

or cowboys from Arizona,

but it's not Halloween!

Grow up, Peter Pan! Count Chocula!

Look, we been

to a million weddings.

And guess what?

We've rocked 'em all!

Great day.

- The Eagle has landed.

- The big show.

Hey, hey. Fifth row back

with the fancy hat.

I like that.

No, don't waste your time on girls

with hats, they tend to be very proper.

Yeah?

The proper girl in the hat

just eye-f***ed the sh*t outta me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Why don't you say it a little louder?

I don't think the priest heard you.

Look, John, I'm sorry

I'm not sorry, okay?

I'm not gonna apologize.

I'm a cocksman.

- Tourette's.

- Frank Myers.

John Ryan.

Say hello to my brother Jeremy.

Hi, how are you?

So, um, how do you know the groom?

- We are Uncle Ned's kids.

- Mm-hmm.

Uncle Ned.

- Is he Liz's brother?

- Uncle Ned, the brother of Aunt Liz.

How is everybody?

Well, Dad kinda putters

around the house.

Hey, Aunt Liz sends her best.

She couldn't make it.

Uh, yeah, I know.

Uh, ah...

she's dead.

From the grave.

She sends her best from the grave.

We've become extremely spiritual

- ever since she passed.

- I see.

But thank you so much

for your kindness, brother.

Lord knows we need family now

more than ever.

- You're welcome.

- Thank you.

How many times are you

gonna do this sh*t?

Rule #32:

You don't commit to a relative

unless you're absolutely positive

that they have a pulse.

Rule 16:
Give me

an up-to-date family tree.

That was your mistake.

You made me look like an idiot.

Rule #76:
No excuses,

play like a champion.

Hello, Red.

- Dibs.

- She's all yours.

I ain't gonna fight you.

I think we've got a crier.

- No shot.

- $20.

- Make it 40.

- Done.

Oh, are you kidding me?

It's beautiful.

It's moving. It's a wedding.

And now for our next reading,

I'd like to ask

the bride's sister Gloria

up to the lectern.

$20, 1 Corinthians.

Double or nothing,

Colossians 3:
12.

And now a reading from

Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians.

"Love is patient, love is kind."

As you all know,

Craig and Christina

are quite

the sailing enthusiasts.

In that light,

they have elected

to exchange vows

which they themselves

have written.

The ring.

I, Craig,

take you, Christina,

to be my wife,

my best friend

and my first mate...

through sickness and health,

clear skies and squalls.

I'm sorry,

I have a tickle in my throat.

I, Christina,

take you, Craig,

to be my best friend,

and my captain...

to be your anchor

and your sail...

Well, this is a first.

...your starboard

and your port.

And now I pronounce you

husband and wife.

You may kiss

the first mate.

Sorry, just...

just a sampler.

Told you this would

be classy, right?

Yes, you did, class, first class

all the way. You were not lying.

Class class class.

They've got some kind

of seasoning on here.

It must be sprinkled.

Okay, go get us seats near,

but not too near, the bridal party.

I'm going to go drop this box

of fresh Wyoming air.

If you see any crab cakes,

get your hands on some

- 'cause I love the crab cakes.

- Consider it done.

- Fondue set.

- Excuse me?

The present you're holding is

a sterling silver fondue set.

- John Ryan.

- Claire Cleary.

Uh, so how do you know that?

Well... I'm a psychic.

- You're psychic?

- I am.

- Really?

- Yes.

- What's that one?

- Knife set. German. Very nice.

Hmm. And that?

- Cotton linens, Egyptian.

- Ooh.

- What about that?

- Oh, I'll go all day. Place settings,

candlesticks, crystal stemware

which they'll probably never use

'cause it's... crystal stemware.

- Okay, how about that?

- This...

uh... massage oils

and a book on tantra

from the wacky aunt.

Let's check.

- Who's it from?

- Aunt Millie.

- Yes!

- Well, you... you have a gift.

I know. Unfortunately my powers only

apply to useless consumer products.

Well, you know, if the police are

missing a Belgian waffle maker

you could, um,

give 'em a hand.

- Claire, we need you for pictures.

- Oh, okay.

- Who's your friend?

- This is John Ryan.

- Hello.

- Excuse us.

Could I just have one more

of the samplers here?

- Good.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes