Wedding Present

Come on, Steve! You're

supposed to be a speed cop.

Let's have some speed. I've

got to get to the Globe Express.

What's the big news, Rusty?

The big news is that I've got

to hurry. I'm late for a wedding.

This is Haley of the Globe Express.

Have you seen Charlie Mason?

No? Well, if you see him, tell him

to rush right over to the office.

Pete Stagg

is having hysterics.

Wait till I get a hold

of that tramp.

Do you want me

to take the assignment?

No. If you can't find Mason, why

doesn't somebody find Rusty Fleming?

My guess is, she's wherever

he is. They're like that.

Like what, darling?

Do you know

where Charlie Mason is?

Yes, I know.

Then what are you

standing there for?

Go get him.

Tell him he's fired.

Tell him to get over to the

St. Andrews' Hotel right away

and get that story

about the Archduke.

Which shall I tell him?

Some day I'll fire him

and you, too!

And this time

you'll stay fired.

You won't get to the front

office to talk your way out of it.

You'll find yourselves

out on the street

with my footprints

all over you.

And if you think I'm talking just

for the sake of hearing myself talk...

She's gone, Mr. Stagg.

Do you solemnly swear

that the statements

contained in this affidavit

are true,

so help you God?

Yes, sir.

$3, please.

Here's your marriage license.

Next.

The name is Mason,

Charlie Mason.

I'm sorry I can't

shake hands with you, but...

Where's your affidavit blank?

Blank?

Yeah, I did have some

kind of a blank, didn't I?

Let me see now. Do you mind?

Thank you. There.

Say, are you crazy?

No, only happy.

Does that look like an

affidavit blank to you?

Now that you mention it,

it doesn't.

No, it doesn't!

Don't be harsh with me.

I'm sensitive.

Go fill out

an affidavit blank,

and get back

to the end of the line.

Oh, be a good fellow and

fill one out for me, will you?

Nothing doing.

The end of the line. Next.

The age of chivalry is dead.

As for you, sir, I thank you. Maybe

we shall meet again in a future life.

If we ever do, I shall be happy

to hold your bundles for you.

I'm much obliged.

Get those bundles

out of here.

What do you think this is? Go

check them in the cloak room.

Such manners. Such manners.

Rusty.

What have you got?

Oh, you nut! Wearing that coat for

a wedding at the County Clerk's.

I like to do things right.

How does it look?

Fine, but you'd better let me

take off the price tag.

What is all this?

Well, fire irons.

What is home

without a fireplace?

And what's a fireplace

without fire irons?

And a vacuum cleaner. You

gotta have a vacuum cleaner.

And rambler roses. You've

always liked rambler roses.

Yes, but climbing up the

side of a house, you goof.

Well, all right,

we have the roses.

All we need

is a side of a house.

Wait a minute,

I'll make a note of it.

Listen, Charlie.

I know that any day

is a total loss to you

unless you pull

at least three gags,

and I love you for it. I

wouldn't have you any other way.

But...

Come on, Rusty, be yourself.

Don't go solemn on a guy just

because you're marrying him.

Charlie,

tomorrow or any other day,

you can ride a white mule

up the City Hall steps

and I'll ride it with you,

but today is different.

I'll spend the rest of my life

with you being crazy,

but let's not have

a crazy wedding day.

Sure, Rusty, sure. You want me to be

serious? All right, I'll be serious.

And the most serious thing in

my life right now is to kiss you.

Wouldn't you think there'd be

a little privacy here?

Hey, you! Keep an eye on

these till we get back.

Oh, let me tender my congratulations.

I represent Dobbin and Dobbin.

I suppose at this moment

you are thinking

of that happy little home

which you're going to furnish.

Now, let me tell you

of my easy payment plan.

Not interested!

Oh, but surely

the little woman is.

Are your easy payments

really easy?

Easy? They're the easiest

in Chicago.

Say, we've got couples that've been

married for 10 years that are still paying.

I'll tell you what.

I'm kind of busy right now,

but if you'll

drop into my office tomorrow,

I'll give you an order.

My name's Pete Stagg.

I'm the City Editor

on the Globe Express.

I'll be there, Mr. Stagg,

without fail.

Well, now that you've nicely

arranged to get us fired...

Oh, that's tomorrow.

Look, I've got to certify that

we're not idiots or insane.

Do you have to swear to it?

Come on, Rusty.

Say, I didn't know

marriage was so popular.

Do you solemnly swear

that the statements...

Say, what's the matter

with you?

You've got the date of your

birth down here August 4th, 1934.

That makes you two years old.

That's right. Next year, I'll be

eligible for the Kentucky Derby.

And if you were marrying

a girl like mine,

you'd feel that young

yourself.

The said persons

are not idiots or insane...

So you're both idiots

and insane?

Well, you decided

to tell the truth, didn't you?

What's the matter?

Don't you like that blank?

No, I don't. And what's more,

this is no place for clowning.

Oh, Charlie, you promised.

All right, Rusty. Maybe he'll

like this one better. There we are.

Yes, this one is in order.

Swell. Here's three bucks.

Give me one of your very best

marriage licenses.

What's the matter now?

Counterfeit money?

Nope, but take a look

at that clock.

Looks like an all right

clock to me. It is.

And if you'll look at it, you'll

see it's 5:
00. That's closing time.

Aw, be a good fellow. I apologize.

That's fair enough, isn't it?

Come on, give me that

marriage license, huh?

With pleasure... tomorrow.

All right,

I know lots of places

where I can get a good

marriage license for two bucks.

And do you know where you

can get a girl to go with it?

Aw, Rusty, don't be sore. We'll

come back tomorrow and do this right.

I'll be as solemn

as seven owls.

Come on, don't make a guy feel

as though he had jilted you.

Don't be dull, Charlie.

I'm not sore.

I'm jilting you, my lad.

Why? Because I...

Because this thing called marriage

was never invented for us, Charlie.

We went haywire

when we thought it was.

What do you say we stay

almost married? Rusty...

Here, hold this.

I gotta make a phone call.

When you hear the tone,

the time will be two and

one half minutes after 5:00.

They're all yours.

We better hurry

and get that Archduke story.

See? I knew this coat would come

in handy for something, after all.

Say, how many of these things must

you eat before an Archduke comes out?

Lift up the lettuce.

He might be hiding.

Newspapermen. Newspapermen!

Winternitz, please, send them away.

But, Your Highness...

Send them away!

But, Your Highness, your

engagement to Miss Mainwaring,

it makes big news for them.

Am I the only man in America

that gets married?

But, Highness, she is one of

the richest women in America,

and you are an Archduke.

They are curious about you.

Yes, they ought to be curious

about any man who would marry that.

Newspapers!

They ought to put me in their

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