Wedgerino

1

- My right eyelid just gave out.

Larry, are you there?

- Hmmm.

- This is my new reality.

I'll have to live the rest

of my life with only one eye.

- What's wrong

with having only one eye?

I think one eye is plenty.

- I know you're

trying to be positive, but...

- I'm serious, Carl.

You can see fine with one eye.

Just like you can do fine

with one best friend.

- I agree about the

"only needing one best friend" part,

but I do have concerns

about my depth perception

and my ability to use binoculars.

- You can train

your one working eye

to have the power of two.

- I've never trained

for anything in my entire life.

You know that, Larry.

You're supposed to by my best friend.

You're supposed to help

me in times of crisis.

- I am helping you.

I'm keeping you company.

I'm helping you adjust to your new life.

- I'm scared.

Are you scared, Larry?

- Of course I'm scared.

I'm scared for you.

I'm scared for me.

I'm scared for our friendship.

- And it's back up and running.

I almost caught a little

permanent shuteye, there.

- You're probably allergic to

something in the apartment.

- I'm not allergic to anything.

- Good, then we can get a cat.

- Except cats.

Come on, Larry.

- I'm sorry, Carl.

I just really want a pet cat.

I have for a long time.

- I feel bad.

I just don't wanna be constantly sneezing

in my own apartment.

- I feel bad for even bringing it up.

- No, I feel bad.

- I feel bad.

- I feel bad.

- I feel bad.

- I...

- Still...

- You first.

- I was gonna say, still best friends?

- Number one.

- What were you gonna say?

- I was gonna say, I feel bad.

- How's it going?

- Let's just say,

I'm happy to see you

with both eyes.

Cross myself

But now I see

For the first time you won

Folding fast

Finally freed

My mind

- That girl's drowning.

- She sure is, Larry.

She sure is.

She needs a towel, stat.

She's wet and her skin is pruned.

Veronica, may I speak

with you for a moment?

In private.

Why aren't you being supportive?

This young lady needs our help.

- I realized you were being a good guy

when you jumped into the water

to save her from drowning,

but at the same time,

I'm jealous that you saved her and not me.

- But Veronica, you weren't drowning.

- Emotions don't always make sense, Carl.

- She's right, Carl.

For instance, I feel annoyed

that you saved this

young lady from drowning

when I was clearly the one who pointed out

she was drowning in the first place.

Now, my girlfriend thinks you're a hero

and she thinks I'm a

complete and utter loser.

- Can I talk to you for a second, Larry?

- Sure, speak away.

- In private.

I don't understand why you

think you need to impress me

by saving some upstart

skank from drowning.

When you act uncertain

about my feelings for you,

it makes me feel you're

feelings for me are uncertain.

- I don't know what my problem is.

Here I've got this great girl

and I'm acting like a total jerk.

- Even when you act like

a jerk, you're my jerk.

- Here, I got you these

as a way of saying, I'm sorry.

- Come on, let's get back to the picnic.

- Larry, Sophia, meet Nicole.

- Great to meet you Larry, Sofa.

- It's Sophia.

- I've heard so much about you both.

I don't have a boyfriend right now,

but I hope, someday,

to be in a relationship

as killer as yours.

- I'm glad you're feeling better.

- Yep.

I mean, I guess I should

have learned how to swim

before walking so dangerously

close to the river.

Thank you.

- Nicole, can I talk to you for a second?

In private.

- What is it, Veronica?

- You're being super

flirty with my boyfriend.

I realize you're probably

feeling emotional right now,

or whatever.

Maybe you think you're in love with him.

I guess what I'm saying is,

don't mess with my boyfriend just because,

by some coincidence,

he happened to save you from drowning.

- The truth is I do find

your boyfriend attractive,

but I would never do anything

to put your relationship in jeopardy.

Besides, Carl loves you.

You're beautiful, inside and out.

I know that Sophia is your

number one best friend,

but I'd like to wedge myself in there

and become one of your

top five best friends.

Also, I hope you don't mind if

I give Carl my business card.

I hope to someday repay

him for saving my life.

- You can never repay

somebody for saving your life.

- You could get pretty freaking close.

Here's my card.

I design websites for a living.

I love my job.

I'm really good at it.

Keep in touch

and always follow your heart.

- What's this thing for?

- Well, I know how much

you wanted a real pet,

but we couldn't have one

because I'm allergic.

So, I thought, since you are

my number one best friend,

I'd get you the next best thing.

- A stuffed animal.

- His name is Stuffy.

- That name makes him sound like

he has a stuffed nose.

- If he had a stuffed nose,

his name would be Sniffles.

- Maybe his name is Sniffles.

How do you even know his name?

- Maybe you should be

a little more concerned

with taking care of your new pet

and a little less concerned

with being so selfish all the time, Larry.

- It's not selfish to

want an actual live pet

instead of a pretend one.

What am I supposed to do

with a stuffed animal?

Feed it a can of stuffed tuna?

- I'm gonna take a snooze.

- Yeah, seems like you

could use a little shuteye.

- And you can use a little shut mouth.

- Hello, Larry.

Hey, Stuffy.

How's your cold?

I mean, I don't think you have a cold.

You know, Stuff,

I thought Larry was my best

friend through thick and thin,

but apparently...

- But apparently, he is.

You were right.

Stuffy's an excellent compromise

and more than a compromise.

I've grown to love the little guy.

Now I see, he's even better

than a real life pet.

He doesn't need a litter box,

he'll never get sick

and he's just as soft, if not, softer.

- Are you just saying that?

Because I still have the receipt.

I'm sorry for telling you

to get a little shut mouth.

- It did me good.

Gave the old flapper a break.

- Let's celebrate.

- What is with all the commotion?

I was trying to read.

If you can't keep it down

you can find another place to live.

And incase you haven't figured it out yet,

I'm your new landlord.

I'm Dominic.

I'm not messing around.

- I'm Carl and this is my

roommate and best friend, Larry.

Sorry to have bothered you.

See, we're celebrating.

That's why we popped open a bottle

of non-alcoholic champagne.

- Would you care for a glass?

- No!

No, I don't wanna glass

of your stupid champagne.

Especially is it's non-alcoholic,

which would technically make

it sparkling grape juice.

What I would care for

is some peace and quiet

so I can finish reading my novel.

- What's that you're reading?

- What do you care what I'm reading?

How would you like it if I

asked you what you were reading

or what size hat you are?

- I wouldn't mind at all

and I don't see what that

has to do with anything.

- It has everything to do with everything.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes