Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins Page #2

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How does his bag

get lost in

a captain's closet?

Explain that to me.

Yes, ma'am.

Where's your father?

He won't come out

of the bathroom.

WOMAN ON PA.:
The white zone

is for immediate loading

and unloading only.

Honey, how do

the pants fit?

Flight 514 from Atlanta,

your luggage will be

at Carousel 2.

(JAMAAL LAUGHING)

You mean to tell me

this is the only pair

of pants you could find

in this country-ass airport?

I like it.

Colors look fabulous

on you.

Babe, I look

like a clown.

Look... Look at how tight

these are. Look!

I see that, tiger.

Come. Let's get the car.

(LAUGHING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

for your own safety

and protection,

please do not leave

your bags unattended.

JAMAAL:
Wow,

the whole weekend

is planned.

There's a barbecue today,

a softball game tomorrow,

a fish fry on Saturday.

Oh, look!

An obstacle

course race!

And the anniversary

banquet's Sunday night.

Cool!

(JAMAAL COUGHING)

(WHOOPING)

Nice ears, Dad.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, man.

Nice picture, Dad.

Oh, man.

(HORN HONKING)

MAN:
Hey, now!

How terribly quaint.

As if time stood still.

It has. I told you,

don't nothing ever

happen around here.

What the hell?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC

PLAYING ON RADIO)

That sh*t was

tight, right?

(WHOOPING)

Oh, damn!

Oh, my God, baby,

you get me

so freaking hot!

Do you know them?

I don't know her,

but that's

my cousin Reggie.

You got your jewelry?

You got your purse?

All right?

'Cause the boy

could con Jesus.

Oh, no. Oh, no,

that's him.

Oh, that's him!

Who?

Here he comes,

here he comes.

My nigga

Roscoe Steven Jenkins!

Hollywood did came to town!

(CHUCKLES) What's up?

What's up, dawg?

What up, cuz?

What up, cuz?

How you doing?

How you do...

(LAUGHING)

Come on, man,

give it up!

Man, what's happening?

All right.

Oh, man,

look at what you...

Look, you got them

picnic tablecloth pants on.

"Hey, Boo-Boo,

let me get another

picnic basket."

(LAUGHING) I guess Outkast's

about to name their third

member. Li'I Roscoe 1000.

Yeah, but don't be mad

'cause you ain't up

on the style.

Ain't that right, baby?

Roscoe?

Why do you

call him Roscoe?

That's his government name.

(NERVOUS LAUGH)

Oh, not into

full disclosure.

I see.

Okay.

Welcome to

the family.

(LAUGHS)

Thank you.

Lookie here,

lookie here.

First it was Survivor,

now it's America's

Next Top Model.

Oh, stop it.

Really?

Oh, hell, yeah, really!

My God, I'll drink

your dishwater, bathwater,

all types of waters.

I'll drink

all your waters.

Boy, you do your thing.

Get... Get off me.

Look at you

doing your thing, boy!

Hey, will you stop that?

Thing, boy!

You do your thing.

Get off me!

(LAUGHS) Do your thing,

boy. You do your thing.

Hey, get off.

Hey, why'd you

keep checking

my pockets, Reggie?

Oh, you do your thing.

Man, you need to get me

out there to LA.

Would you

lookie here?

Look.

Hi!

Hi!

I'm Amy.

Yeah, me and Amy

are friends, man.

You know what I'm saying?

She's been a real inspiration

to me, putting my new

hip-hop album out.

You know what

I'm saying?

And my dad's company

is financing it.

It's Pimp Nasty

Records! Word!

Pimp Nasty?

AMY:
(LAUGHS) Like that.

So everything is...

Hey, boy, what the...

What you doing?

Get back! Get back!

Water rat!

That's a water rat,

right there.

(GROWLING)

Get back.

Get back.

Reg, come on.

It's okay, Fifi.

RJ:
Reggie, man.

She's a dog, man.

It's Fiona.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

I ain't know

what it was, man.

I thought it was

a little fur coat with

some feet, or something,

that damn walked

over here, boy.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Man, Mama J

sent us down here

to get some ice.

And?

We're probably

gonna need about 300.

$300?

Yeah.

For some ice?

For some ice.

You must think

I'm a damn fool.

No, I know you

ain't no damn fool.

You standing there

with that beautiful lady,

right there.

Look like

you a lucky fool.

(GIGGLES)

What? It's just $300,

baby. Go on.

You're not cheap, baby.

Yes, he is.

You don't know him

like we... He's tight.

Yeah, he is.

It's only $300,

baby.

That's it, $300.

For your family?

Please?

Go on, baby.

For the family.

All right,

good to see you.

Papa?

Huh?

They made it!

Told you. Well, come on.

Come on, baby.

(MAMA LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)

Oh, my baby's home!

Hey, Mama.

How you doing?

Well, well.

Look who showed up.

My grandson's father,

Dr. RJ Stevens.

It's been

a long time,

Dr. Stevens.

Dad, that's just

a stage name.

Yeah, I know.

Jamaal, welcome back.

Thanks,

Papa Jenkins.

Oh, and this is Blanca!

Pretty girl, Roscoe.

You must got some

Indian in you, all that

long, pretty hair.

Roscoe, you been eating?

You all skin and bone!

Don't look like

I never nourished you.

(LAUGHS) I know!

Doesn't he

look fabulous?

OTIS:
Yeah, he looks

fabulous, all right.

Downright metrosexual,

with them young-ass

pants on.

Oh, no. You should have

seen his ensemble

before his little accident.

It was exquisite.

(LAUGHS) Are you kidding?

Better than this?

What?

I didn't

say "outfit."

Got you!

Pounced on you.

Get... Get off.

Get off me!

Let me see

how strong you are.

Otis!

Yeah.

(GRUNTING)

Get off me.

Come on.

(LAUGHING)

Just like old times again.

Lord, Otis.

Do it, do it!

Get out of it, then.

Mama! Mama.

Otis! Otis!

Come on, boy,

let's see

what you got.

Let go of me, O.

Yeah, go ahead, do it.

I want you to. Boy,

introduce me. That's rude.

Bianca, this is my country,

neckbone-eating brother, Otis.

The sheriff.

Southern hospitality

at your service.

Get up off that!

(CHUCKLING)

This here is Ruthie.

Hi.

And that's my baby

she's carrying.

Wow, Ruthie,

you look like

you're about to pop.

No, I'm just six months.

But I bet y'all be

loading up soon, huh?

(LAUGHING) Oh, God,

no! Nothing's wrecking

this figure.

Hmm.

(NERVOUS LAUGH)

At least not right now.

Jamaal, say hello.

Are you really the sheriff?

Mmm-hmm.

"To serve and protect."

And occasionally whoop ass.

Meet your cousins.

Junior! Callie!

(LAUGHS) Oh, damn!

What are they on?

All steroids

and no carbs?

(LAUGHS)

Them some

thick-ass kids!

No, I'm serious.

Mama, them is thick-ass.

No, I'm serious.

Like, they be 12.

Them some thick-ass...

Respect...

This here's

your cousin

Jamaal.

Get him a bat,

and get him

some batting practice.

And, Callie,

go easy on him.

(SPITTING)

You got it, Daddy.

Come on, son.

You and Granddad'll

take them on together.

You play baseball,

don't you?

All right,

I guess.

Well, Blanca,

you want to come in the house

and freshen up?

And, Roscoe, you get the bags

and just take them up

to your room.

Okay.

And, baby,

please find some clothes

that fit. You got all

your business in the street.

(GRUNTS DISAGREEABLY)

Oh, God.

It's good to see you,

man.

Little help

with the bags, O?

Man, I ain't no bellhop.

Plus, I ain't had

my steroids today.

(LAUGHS) Got you!

Southern hospitality!

Yeah, right.

(SCOFFS)

And next time

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