Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins Page #9

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It's RJ.

Are you really willing to

put your career, your future,

in jeopardy over a crush?

Career? Baby,

we're getting married.

Get your priorities in order

and decide what and

who you really want.

Let that simmer

while you sleep on

the couch tonight.

We're going to

take a shower.

(SHOWER RUNNING)

Reggie!

Hell, no!

Get your nasty ass outta here!

I didn't know that was you.

You knew I was in here!

You is a nasty common freak!

There is a naked linebacker

in our shower right now.

Now, you done brought

that little white gal

up in here,

now you trying to sneak around

and see some black meat?

Girl, ain't no...

I didn't try to come here

and look at you!

Well, then hand me

my feminine wash!

I can see why

you can't keep a man,

now.

You got to lay off them

Milky Ways and Doritos

and tortillo chips.

And your mother shouldn't have

did them goddamn drugs

when she was pregnant

with you! That's what's wrong

with your black ass!

God, your titties

are huge, Betty.

Look, I'm gonna

tell Daddy.

I'm gonna tell my daddy

that you are in here trying

to see my treats, Reggie.

Wait, you're gonna be lying

if you tell him that!

Then what was you

doing in here?

I thought that...

Can I just give you

this bubblegum and get on

out of here?

What? You wanted Chick-fil-A,

that's what you got.

I'm Burger King.

I'm a Double Whopper.

You want to see this

dark meat? I don't play

that foolishness. You're sick.

I do want to see

the black meat, but I don't

want to see a bundle of it.

Get out of here,

you sick nasty bastard!

RJ:
She gonna put me

out of my room.

She's a survivor...

I'm a survivor!

Kiribati, my ass!

Good night, vegan!

(RJ LAUGHS)

Finally, peace at last.

(SNORING)

Bucky!

You stinky dog! Bucky!

Oh, hell no!

(SCREAMING)

He done pissed in my eyes!

It stinks! My eyes! It burns!

Oh, Lord! Oh! Oh...

(GROANING)

It stink. It stink.

My eyes are burning.

It got in my mouth!

They're burning!

Where did I

go wrong

with that boy?

Mama! Mama! Mama!

Lord have mercy.

RJ:
Mama!

(DEODRANT SPRAYING)

(WHISPERING)

I don't know

what that is.

WOMAN:
(WHISPERING)

Hell, no, that ain't me.

What the...

Come on, baby brother,

ease up, man. You got

my eyes tearing.

My skin is all itchy.

Don't do that, man!

Smells like garbage

truck juice out here.

PAPA:
Today

you all continue the

Dry Springs obstacle

course tradition.

So get out there

and display that Jenkins

family athletic prowess!

And, no matter what, have fun!

(ALL CHEERING)

Good luck, young man.

Make me proud.

Win something.

Go on, have a good time.

BETTY:
Have fun.

Jamaal, nobody remembers

who came in second, okay?

So you gotta

get pumped, right?

Loosen up.

Loosen up your muscles.

Come on, loosen up!

Come on, come on!

Win! Win!

We're winners.

We're winners.

Ease up now, Kiribati.

Jamaal, go.

This ain't none

of your business, Clyde.

Look, come on, man.

This is just kids having fun.

Well, it ain't no fun

getting beat. You should

know that, Cadillac man.

Hey, that was one time!

Even a blind squirrel

can find a nut.

Who are you

calling a squirrel?

"Who are you

calling a squirrel?"

Roscoe, that's who!

A blind, stink-ass squirrel.

And you the nut. Koo-koo!

Hey, leave my lady

out of this. I know you're not

calling my victory a fluke.

Oh, fluke, luck,

one in a million shot,

yeah.

Well, bring it on, Clyde.

We can do this right here,

right now.

(ALL ARGUING)

He's always been a loser.

He's always gonna be a loser.

(ALL CONTINUE ARGUING)

Hey, Daddy!

Daddy, you hear these fools?

I'm gonna arrest them!

(PAPA SHOUTS)

You two been at this

for 20 years.

Go ahead.

Knock yourselves out.

Starting line, 10 minutes!

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, Daddy! Yeah!

Starting line,

Ten minutes. Ten minutes.

Ten minutes, Clyde!

BIANCA:
Get him!

Ten minutes

to countdown, baby!

Come on, Clyde.

Gunfight at the O.K. Corral!

REGGIE:
Oh, shoot,

it's the Negro Olympics!

Dad, are you

sure about this?

Focus, son.

Concentrate.

Cut me in or cut it out!

Clyde is favored to do

the job!

Good luck, 'Scoe.

That's right.

Who gonna bet?

Y'all better strap yourselves

in, 'cause this here's

gonna be funny!

Hey, Reggie,

let me get some

of that action!

I got a pulled hamstring

for Clyde and a back spasm

for Roscoe.

(BETTY LAUGHING)

RJ's in top shape.

Your man? No shape.

Clyde is not my man.

We are just...

Just friends.

Yeah. Like you and RJ?

What are you talking about?

I've been watching you.

Trying to win favor

with Jamaal. Realizing

what you missed out on.

It's pathetic.

And you're too late.

'Cause there are no

second chances for

washed-up prom queens.

(EXCLAIMS)

Sorry. Sorry.

Now, that was painful.

You a bad b*tch.

You bad.

A bad b*tch, Betty?

Please, okay?

She is a fake celebrity,

all right?

Her only claim to fame

is trading her panties

for peanut butter.

That's some nasty sh*t there.

News flash, honey.

Those panties went

for 20 grand online.

Wait a minute.

Twenty grand

for your panties?

Yes.

Well, wait,

I got some panties,

okay?

I got the good panties,

I got the thong panties,

I got the period panties.

They might...

Betty, I got

a news flash for you.

Bucky boned Fifi.

Oh, Lord!

Well?

Did he kill her?

She was on top.

BETTY:
The Pomegramian?

LUCINDA:
Now that

is a bad b*tch.

BETTY:
Oh, my God.

Fifi!

Your dog's a whore!

All right.

On your mark!

Get set!

(ALL CHEERING)

Run, baby!

Get out the way!

What is wrong

with them?

(GRUNTING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

Go!

Oh, get back!

Don't want nothing...

Hey, get back, sucka.

Watch out! Hey!

Get off me!

CLYDE:
I got him!

I'm going!

Oh, no!

Share that!

Share that.

(SCEAMING)

I'm gone!

(EXCLAIMS)

Redemption!

Redemption!

Oh, no! No!

Forget it!

You gotta go,

Rasta boy!

(GRUNTS)

No!

Hey!

(GRUNTING)

Cannonball!

Oh, sh*t!

(GRUNTING)

Hit the floor, baby!

G.I. Joe!

Navy SEAL!

Navy SEAL!

Slip and slide, Clyde!

(GRUNTING)

Try the South Beach Diet,

fat-ass! Yeah!

(LAUGHING)

Come on, baby!

No, you don't!

Oh, hell no! No!

(LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY)

(GRUNTING)

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

(SQUEALING)

Man, I felt that

in my stomach.

(GRUNTS)

OTIS:
Come on, baby!

Let's go!

No! No! Hold on!

(SCREAMING)

Son, no! Wait!

(SCREAMING)

Sorry, Dad!

You! You wait! You...

(SCREAMING)

Hold on, baby!

Hold on!

BETTY:
Go, Clyde, go!

(CLOTH RIPPllNG)

Oh!

(LAUGHING)

That's all right, baby!

REGGIE:
Look at them

stretch marks!

Let's go, Jamaal!

You can do it!

OTIS:
Go! Go!

Whoo! Yeah!

It's your ass!

Come on...

Oh, I got you now.

See you at

the finish line, boy.

Get up, baby! Get up!

Yeah!

Yeah...

You see that?

Upper body strength.

That's what

being in the gym

will do for you!

Well, I'm a power runner.

True warrior! Man!

I ain't never scared!

Yeah, me, neither!

(SCREAMING)

I'm going down!

I'm going down!

Mama...

I'm gonna die!

(GROANING)

(EXCLAIMING)

BETTY:
Go, Clyde, go!

Go, RJ! Get him!

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