Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins Page #8

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Especially when it comes

to Clyde.

(SCOFFS) Clyde.

Clyde's big-headed ass

needs to be knocked off

his high horse sometimes.

Why are you two always

digging at each other?

Because Clyde is dirty,

and will use any

underhanded trick to win.

Aren't you

exaggerating

just a little?

No.

And what was all that

"you stole what was mine"

business?

At the picnic.

What did he steal?

A great opportunity.

Well, if it was that great,

why can't you create

another one?

Maybe I will.

Maybe you should.

Well, well, well.

Here y'all are again!

Caught you, didn't I?

Mamma gonna get ya...

This raises

some eyebrows.

Well, sing like a canary,

Reggie. Whistle.

(HUMMING)

All that with the birds.

Harmonize with 'em. But you're

not getting the plasma.

I was walking the dog.

How's that?

Bucky's with us.

I'm talking about Fiona.

Where is Feef?

Oh, I think she's

down by the gully.

Where's Bucky?

Down by the gully.

REGGIE:
He's gonna tear it up.

(BUCKY HOWLING)

Bucky, get your ass off!

(WHINING)

Oh, my God.

(EXCLAIMS)

(YELPING)

She is so working him.

Don't be surprised

if he starts barking

in tongues.

(FIFI YELPS)

Bucky done

turned the b*tch out.

(EXHALES)

Reg, not a word.

I got you.

Is that plasma TV

under warranty?

Mmm.

I'm a steel trap, player.

That dog gonna need

counseling.

You gonna be all right?

Maybe she won't notice.

(RJ EXHALES)

Oh, baby, me and Fifi

had so much fun out there,

we completely

lost track of time.

Yeah, Daddy loves

himself some Fifi.

Isn't that right, Fifi?

Daddy loves his little Fifi!

Yeah! Oh, we was running

all over the place, baby.

Yeah, she may need a bath.

She got dirty. Real dirty.

Now see here, buster.

Your alliance is with me,

not the prom queen.

Oh, come on, baby.

There's no other alliance.

All right?

Now how about you show me

that little project?

I shaved off

my little project.

Why'd you do that?

If I discover there's

a mutiny afoot, I'm gonna

shave off your little project.

Understand?

Damn!

Damn!

Damn!

MAN ON TV.:
One timer! Kaberle.

Goal!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Dang, you got game,

nephew. It's all right.

Hey, Dad!

Roscoe Malley!

What's up, man?

So I heard you been

running around with

my girl again. Come on, man.

Let's play the game.

Me and Junior take on

you and Jamaal.

Yeah.

I don't play

children's games.

Oh, is that right?

Then what's your

poison, brother?

(RATTLING)

Ya hear that, though.

You like that, eh?

Yeah, I've been dying to play

a little click-clack.

Sure you want to

take it there, Clyde?

'Cause I don't play for fun.

Ain't no fun losing money.

Then you're about

to have a bad time.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Seven!

Oh, that's gonna be

all day right there!

RJ:
Can you handle it?

Money maker! Money maker!

Daddy needs

a new pair of gators.

Watch this right there.

Talking about shake 'em up,

shake 'em up, wake 'em.

Oh!

Yeah, Dad!

Daddy, yes!

You know what, man?

I admire you.

Yeah?

I admire you, Roscoe.

I mean, you still keep trying.

You know, 'cause even

when I lose, I win.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Well, then this must feel like

the championship,

'cause you're

losing the grip.

B*tch!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Right there.

Come on, baby, eat for Mama.

Binata?

You're not listening.

Now, I told you to take

that dog out of my kitchen.

It just ain't sanitary!

What's wrong with people?

Bringing damn dogs

up in folks' kitchen?

Don't make no damn sense.

(SCREAMING)

That ain't nothing, you ain't

even slick with yours,

so that's the problem.

Everybody see what

you're doing, man.

But she mine, bro.

Yeah? Well, you might want

to tell her that, 'cause

she's feeling a brother.

(LAUGHING) Seven again!

All right,

grease is hot,

I need that fish.

RUTHIE:
Here you go, baby.

Thank you.

Mmm.

It's a little sweet,

but it's delicious.

Yes! And that wine

of yours, baby,

set it right off!

The '67 Margaux?

Yeah!

That's a $600 bottle!

And worth every penny!

Oh!

Seven again!

Oh!

Somebody stop it!

(LAUGHING)

Come on,

roll the dice,

man.

Oh, I get it.

That's mine,

that's mine.

Pass on that ass.

Oh!

ALL:
Oh!

Could it be?

No, no, no, no.

I call gator

on that right there.

Nigga, this ain't Monopoly.

Hey, hey, man!

Roll again, bro.

Clyde, you better un-ass me

before you find yourself

a pinky short.

You better roll again

before you find yourself

an artery short.

(RJ GROWLING)

You brought it on yourself!

You brought it on yourself,

Clyde!

Let's go get some fish.

Okay. Come on, Jamaal.

Is this what you wanted,

Clyde? That's what you want.

That's right! That's right!

That's Junior Varsity

right there, bro!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Feel that?

Oh, that's your

ass right there!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Wait, wait, stop!

Y'all better stop all that

running through my kitchen!

Got you! Yeah!

You broke Daddy's table!

We worked hard on this!

(SCREAMING)

That's 'cause you fixed it!

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

AMY:
I said,

why are you drinking

when you're pregnant?

Well, they said

I could have

a glass of wine.

Really?

They didn't say how many times

you could refill it, though,

baby.

I want to be pregnant!

How about another one?

Let's do it, Balolo.

Clyde-o-mania, baby!

(GROANING)

You ended up with a big dog

now, boy. You ought to

check my dental records.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Lord, these fools

been playing dice.

Hey, knock it off!

Ladies, get the tartar sauce

and the hot sauce,

'cause the Jenkins family is

about to throw down!

(CLYDE AND RJ SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(CLYDE AND RJ GRUNTING)

(ALL CLAMORING)

(SHOUTING) Man,

what are y'all doing?

Stop that...

(WOMEN SHRIEKING)

BIANCA:
RJ, no!

It's hot! It's hot!

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

OTIS:
Oh, hell no!

RUTHIE:
Oh, my God.

AMY:
Are you okay?

Oh, my God.

He started it.

He started it.

(SINGING)

What they heading for now

What they heading for now...

Damn! Poor Mama.

You should have had

more prenatal care.

Look at your kids.

I'm sorry.

(WHIMPERING)

Baby, I'm sorry.

It was an accident.

Silence,

shower, strategy.

That's all

I need right now.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Boy, the shower is all yours.

(REGGIE LAUGHING)

You used all my sh*t!

Yeah, what?

And you're wearing my robe?

What...

Now, you little...

Bianca, how's Fiona doing?

She still spooked

by that snake?

What snake?

REGGIE:
The snake Lucinda

saved Fifi from.

I mean, she seems

pretty relaxed.

That's probably 'cause...

Satellite!

Huh, 'Scoe?

Satellite, pay-per-view,

premium channels,

sports channels,

platinum titty channels...

All that, man.

Playboy channels?

Yeah, butt-naked channels.

You like butt-naked?

Oh, I got to have it.

You like when

they butt-naked,

showing all ass?

You know it.

Gospel channels?

Yeah, you...

Gospel, all that!

Telemundo?

You like Telemundo?

I like... I like Spanish.

All that!

All the...

(IMITATING TANGO MUSIC)

My man. Peace.

(SNARLING)

I don't know

who you are anymore,

Roscoe Jenkins.

Baby, it's me.

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