Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins Page #7

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don't let money raise

your kids.

Well, don't let cornbread

and chitlins raise yours.

What you looking

at me like that for, O?

Yeah, I said it.

Why you approaching me?

I just didn't hear you.

I said what you

looking at me

like that for?

Ain't nobody

scared of you.

What'd you say before that?

Don't let what?

Don't let chitlins,

cornbread,

ham hocks,

cheese sticks

or none of that

raise your kids.

That's what I said.

What, you got hostility? What,

what... What's happening?

This ain't your little

brother no more, O.

I'm a grown man.

You know,

I don't get ass whoopings,

I give 'em out.

Mmm-hmm?

You a officer

here in Mayberry.

Come on... What you carry?

A flashlight and a baton?

A'ight.

Tell you what.

Maybe...

If you a good old boy,

I hire you as my security.

(LAUGHS) Yeah,

I got the pull.

I can do it.

Big-ass...

Now you and Mama

got matching titties.

Maybe y'all are related.

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

You know, you should do a show

about scrawny little brothers

that constantly get bitched.

Look at your head!

Yeah, but... Thank you.

But my next show gonna

be about prison hoes

who mask conjugal visits

as Bible readings.

Yeah, it's gonna

be called "Bible Thumpers

or Bible Humpers?"

You available?

(LAUGHING)

You got time?

What you feeling?

Oh. Oh, okay. You better get

your Butterfinger-eating

ass back in the car.

I may not hit a woman,

but I'll beat a b*tch's ass.

Oh, is that

what you gonna do?

Yeah.

That's what you gonna do?

What?

You gonna beat a b*tch's ass?

Oh... Oh...

What b*tch

you gonna beat,

'Scoe?

What b*tch you

gonna beat, huh, 'Scoe?

That's what it's like?

Is that what it's like?

Hold up.

What b*tch you

gonna beat, 'Scoe?

You snapped my neck, little...

Look out! You didn't know.

Golden glove.

Watch. I'm gonna

give you a dirty,

South-ass whipping, boy!

Come on, come on! Bring

it back! Bring it back, punk!

Come on, bring it on back!

(SCREAMING)

Oh!

Roscoe,

get your damn...

Get off of me, 'Scoe!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

That ain't weave, fool!

You gonna be sorry!

(GRUNTING)

Wait a minute! You done

pulled out my damn tracks!

What you gonna do, RJ?

I'm sick of you! I'm sick!

Say you sorry. Say uncle.

Say uncle! Say uncle!

Say it!

Talk your sh*t now,

you fake-ass Bruce Lee!

You wanna get up?

You wanna get up?

Come on, come on.

I done told you

about your mouth!

I am not a ho!

I am doing God's work!

Say, "Praise the Lord!"

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

Now I'm gonna tell you

something. You'd better be

glad I'm a good Christian,

'cause the next time

I might not be so merciful.

You done made me lose

my protection from the Lord.

Father God, forgive him,

for he know not what he do.

I'm gonna

pray for you,

Roscoe.

Thank you, I...

(WEAK COUGH)

(GROANING)

RJ:
Hey, Lucinda.

Oh, my God!

Roscoe, are you okay?

What do you mean?

Well, your face looks

like you got run over

by a tractor.

Really? I feel fine.

Well, it looks

terrible. Here, sit.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God.

Here.

(GRUNTING)

That feels good.

Good, good.

Hey, it might be

a good idea to stop

teasing everybody.

(LAUGHS)

This is nothing.

Why you trying

to front?

I'm not fronting.

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)

See? See?

You know

you're hurting.

The Roscoe Jenkins I knew

would've owned up to it.

Well, this is RJ Stevens

you're tending to now, girl.

Yeah, the new

and improved

Roscoe 7.0.

I think Roscoe 1.0

was just fine.

Oh!

I didn't know you were back.

We weren't doing nothing!

Nothing much, that is.

Well, good.

Why don't you

give me a hand, Roscoe?

Papa J,

I thought you

wanted me to help.

No, that's all right.

Roscoe's got this.

Yeah, I got this.

(HAMMERING)

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Son, you are ready

to get married,

aren't you?

(CHUCKLES)

Of course! Yeah.

Why do you ask?

Well,

if I didn't know

any better,

I'd think there's

something going on

between you and Lucinda.

Oh, no!

I'm just,

you know...

We're just catching up.

Daddy, the wedding

is gonna be hot.

Got the caterer,

R. Kelly's singing...

Beyonce is

gonna choreograph

the Electric Slide.

Roscoe,

I think you know

what I'm saying.

The marriage isn't

about the wedding day.

Your mama and I got married

right out there

in the front yard.

I know, but... Well,

Bianca wants a big wedding

with all the trimmings.

Is that what you want?

Yeah, I... I think.

(STAMMERS)

I do. I do.

(CHUCKLES)

How does Jamaal

feel about that?

Jamaal, he...

Jamaal's cool,

Daddy.

Be mindful of that boy.

He never sees his own mother.

From what he tells me,

he doesn't see much

of you, either.

I'm trying, Daddy.

All right? But the show

keeps me so busy...

The show. Team of Me.

I never quite understood that.

Well, it's... It's just

a saying, you know? Protect

yourself. Be your own man.

Well, that's fine, son, but...

There are times

you gotta depend on others,

family and friends.

I mean, you never learned

anything like that

around here.

And that's certainly not

something you teach a child.

Some kids learn it

on their own, Daddy.

(RJ SNORING)

Honey! I've been busy

with a personal project

all morning

and I'm exhausted, so...

Be a dear and walk

Fifi for me?

Come on, baby.

Let Feef run around

and enjoy nature.

I was hoping

to get a little nap.

Aw.

My little man is tired.

Well, I promise I'll do any

little thing you want if you

do this little thing for me.

Plus, I want to show you

my little project.

(BUZZING)

What project?

Damn!

Are those my initials?

BIANCA:
Mmm-hmm.

I told you it was yours.

You're a hell

of an artist, baby.

Come on, Feef!

Come on, Feef, go pee.

(RATTLING)

Oh, sh*t! Snake!

Feef! Come on,

Feef!

(DOG WHIMPERING)

Run, Fifi! Run!

Come on!

Come on! Hey! Lucinda...

Hey, what's the matter?

Don't go down there.

Fifi's cornered by this

big-ass poisonous snake.

And you left her?

No! Lucinda!

Save yourself!

(LUCINDA SCREAMING)

You see? I'm sorry, Fifi!

I ain't sucking out no...

No poison!

You okay, girl? Yeah?

You just got a little scare,

huh?

(LAUGHS)

Fifi...

It's okay.

It's all right.

She all right?

Yeah.

Here you go. See?

It was just a little

milk snake.

(EXCLAIMS)

Now, that wasn't the snake

I saw. It was an anaconda

or a python.

Well, we don't

have those down here.

For real?

Uh-huh.

There you go.

You want to take a walk?

Sure.

You out here running off

that red velvet cake, huh?

I deserve some cake.

Yeah, no...

Oh, come on, you heard

the stories. Hell,

you witnessed a bunch.

Everybody did everything

better than me. So, I found

something I'm good at.

I get in front of

that audience and

they feel me.

More than anyone

here ever did.

Please, Roscoe.

What family doesn't

mess with one another?

I mean, I got

teased to no end

about my skinny legs.

Yeah, well,

you do have

some slim-jims.

Oh, shut up!

You could pick

your teeth with

those legs.

(LAUGHING) Shut up.

See? You can dish it out, boy.

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