Welcome to Me

Parakeets are the most popular

pet bird in the world.

But they require a lot of care.

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brings you all the joy,

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This life-sized Perfect Polly

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Perfect Polly chirps her little toot

in the morning or the afternoon...

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complete with the authentic Polly perch.

But wait, call right now

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That's a pair of Perfect Pollies

for 14.99.

And don't forget to find out

about free shipping.

It's the perfect pet

for someone special you know.

You have 16 new messages.

First new message.

Hey, booboo. Gina here.

Pick up the phone.

Pick up. Come on.

I just had the craziest phone conversation

with this telemarketer

- and he's kind of sexy.

- Next new message.

Hi, Alice. It's Daryl Moffet.

I just got off the phone with Greg

at Suncoast Pharmacy.

I had no idea you weren't picking up

your medication. Can you give me a call?

Your home is far less likely...

Everybody comes

to our beautiful planet Earth

and it is beautiful

if you saw our show on Friday

to do something great, something unique,

something that only you were born to do.

Only you can give.

So, what is your calling?

I definitely know what mine is.

This show is about helping

all of you who are watching us.

Think about and then figure out,

'cause that's your real job, to figure out

what is your calling,

and then begin to honor it.

Hundreds of people in this audience...

I'm going to have to check on her. Yeah.

I should... head out.

I'm... It was nice to meet you.

- Alice.

- Alice.

Take care, Alice.

- Who was that?

- I don't know.

She asked if there was a rape

in A Tale of Two Cities.

If maybe, well, one that's just for you.

Just a phone call, but hopefully

a new start for your friendships.

And hopefully those of you

who haven't made the call,

in six years, ten years, twelve,

will get the nerve from this show

to pick up the phone and reconnect.

Do that for yourself.

The California Stack Sweepstakes.

Hello, California.

Happy Independence Day.

I'm Helen Hardaway, and welcome

to the California Stack drawing.

Tonight, you need to pick

four or more numbers to win.

Get all eight numbers and you could win

or share tonight's jackpot

of $86 million.

And away we go.

Number 40,

23.

There's 37

followed by 14.

There's 57, 15.

And finally our bonus numbers

are... 54 and 39.

Lottery retailers will pay for prizes

up to one hundred...

Thanks for calling

the California Lottery.

If you're calling to report a winning,

just say "I'm a winner at any time."

Oops. I didn't catch that.

If you're calling to report a winning,

just say "I'm a winner at any time."

- I'm a winner.

- Oops. I didn't catch that.

If you're calling to report a winning,

just say "I'm a winner at any time."

- I'm a winner at any time.

- Congratulations. Please hold.

Yesterday was a very lucky day

for Alice Klieg,

a Palm Desert woman

who holds the winning ticket

for an $86 million California

Stack Sweepstakes payout.

Oh, my... That's my...

That's my friend! Oh, my God!

Thank you. Thank you.

I'd like to read

from a prepared statement.

I was a summer baby, born in the year

1971 in Simi Valley, California.

My mother was a nutritionist

and my father was a commercial baker.

And I've been using masturbation

as a sedative since 1991.

We're unable to show you the rest.

Yesterday was a...

They cut me off.

- Hello?

- What...

Hi, Ted. Alice, it's Ted.

He saw you on the news.

- They cut me off.

- Yeah, she's mad they cut her speech off.

- She sounds bad.

- She's about a 7.5 and climbing.

- You don't have to stay.

- Somebody has to stay.

- They cut me off.

- Okay. Later, tater.

Alice?

You hungry?

I'm going to take an iodine bath.

It's my new thing. I'm managing my moods

by living a high protein lifestyle.

What's going on with the Abilify?

I have a prepared statement.

Okay.

"Dear Daryl, it's been

a good run, Daryl,

"but as I will no longer be collecting

disability from the State of California,

"our visits are no longer mandatory.

"I appreciate everything

you have done for me,

"but as a new member

of the rich and famous,

I simply don't have time for the pain."

Well, I have something

I'd like to read, too.

"My dear Alice,

I would be happy to discuss the logistical

details of our new relationship,

"a relationship which gives me great pride

when I reflect on the ground

that we have covered.

"Since the psycho-pharmacological

value of string cheese in the treatment

"of borderline personality disorder is not,

to my knowledge, even in clinical trials,

"I would encourage you to reconsider

walking away from the good

and necessary work that we do."

Why did you stop your medication?

It's a new era.

Eighty-six million-dollar Alice.

Do you really want to stop seeing me?

No.

Yes.

No.

What do you want to do, Alice?

Something really big.

I'm moving today.

Nice.

Good.

If I paid you...

would you give me

a clean-bill health, mentally?

Thanks for choosing

our casino, Miss Klieg.

- So, how long do you plan on staying?

- Indefinitely.

Do you allow pets here?

Well, I'm sure we can work

something out.

- Do you have a dog?

- No.

What's the matter, sweetie?

Located at the beautiful

Palm Springs area.

Nothing.

What I'm suggesting,

is a more of a less idea.

A five-dollar tip for you.

Just ask Ted for a little advice,

small amount,

- about what to do with your money.

- I don't need any help, Mommy.

No hand? Oh, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Sorry, Mom.

- It's all right.

Teddy.

- Welcome to my new home.

- This must be your Alice.

- This is Derick.

- Hi, it's so nice to fina... Okay.

This is... this is my best friend, Gina.

- I'm her Gina. Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

Those two sour pussies

over there are my parents.

This is Derick, Ted's male lover.

Isn't that good?

- Hi, hi.

- Hi.

If it weren't for you,

I don't know what we would do.

- I always knew about Ted.

- What?

When we were married.

By the way he f***ed me.

I get it.

So...

how does it feel to be a millionaire?

I have a prepared statement.

Prepared statement.

Okay.

Here's what I want to say.

Cause. Okay?

Effect. Okay?

"I want each of you

to understand that...

"you can have what I have right now

if you really believe it.

- You too can have a new life."

- New life.

New life.

"And as I begin my new life,

I must reflect on the love and inspiration

each of you has given me."

I love you, guys.

Sh*t, I didn't want to cry until the end.

A toast to Alice and her new life.

New life.

To my new life.

Let's hope.

I'm going to get shrimp.

...it's harvested in Ecuador,

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