Welcome to Me Page #2

where the locals call it La Madre

or The Mother.

Smoothies are such a great way

to load up on powerful nutrition.

Every single particle of Live Alchemy

contains coded blueprints

that actually rewrite your DNA.

So, who's ready for a new life?

This has been a live broadcast from the

headquarters of New Vibrance Studios.

If you're interested in being a member

of our studio audience,

please contact the number below.

Live for Palm Desert, California,

welcome to Live Alchemy.

You can't put yogurt

in waste baskets. Okay?

I know, but then, you can't just

let it be there. It's disgusting.

Good to see you.

Welcome to Live Alchemy.

I'm Gabe Ruskin.

Now, what if I were to tell you

one teaspoon of Live Alchemy

contains more usable protein

than a 16-ounce sirloin steak.

- Well, get ready to pan to the audience.

- It's true. What if I were to tell you...

...that in 100 years, our main source

of food would be algae?

Now.

I would believe it.

Hey, hey, wow. We got a live one.

And I wouldn't lie to you. Now...

We're all used to healthy food

tasting like dirt, right?

Frank, pull away please.

Right, I mean, it's really bad. Well...

I'd like to get a volunteer

from the audience

to come taste my chocolate amaretto

smoothie with Live Alchemy.

Who's curious?

No, no. Come on.

Not the crazy b*tch. Gabe.

Who's game? You want to come up?

Right up here. Welcome. Yeah, it's good.

Thanks for being brave, yeah.

Very courageous of you.

Would you believe me?

Most people, they hear "algae"

and they say "yuck".

I'm not afraid of anything, Gabe.

Including success.

Oh, what's your name?

My name is Alice Klieg.

I watch you when I sleep.

What... what was that?

Is that so?

This is my second time on TV this week.

- Oh, your second time, really?

- Yes, Gabe.

I won the California Stack Sweepstakes.

Eighty-six million dollars.

I did a press conference that aired

on all of the stations in this area.

That's incredible. You are a lucky lady.

And we're lucky to have you here

to be our guinea pig to try...

- Winning has nothing to do with luck.

- It doesn't?

No. It's all mental training.

Dawn, what the hell?

Well, why don't you ask your brother?

He seems to be...

- Are we in control here or what?

- Not currently.

Oprah says that everything in our world

is created on a DNA level by what we think.

I thought I was a winner.

I won $86 million.

- All right, give me the word, Rich.

- Wait.

- That is just great.

- I didn't always think of myself as a winner.

When I was 16, I was diagnosed

with manic depression.

In my 20s, it was called

rapid cycling bipolar disorder.

Now it's just called

borderline personality disorder.

- Alice, maybe come back to your seat.

- No!

Now it's just called

borderline personality disorder.

Who can keep up?

For most of my life,

I let my diagnosis define who I was.

Big mistake.

At a certain point, I realized I had

to get back to me... before my illness.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my... Why are we following her?

I was a summer baby born in 1971

in Simi Valley, California.

And I've been using masturbation

as a sedative since 1991.

- We have to kill this, Rich.

- Okay, kill it.

- Kill it, please.

- My father was a commercial baker.

Introducing Essentis,

luxury hair care system

formulated with natural

and organic components...

Do you think she really won the lottery?

Seriously. Can someone Google that?

What was her name?

Oh, my God. Gabe, that was the best

experience of my whole entire life.

You didn't have to buy me out.

I need the protein.

Hey.

You must be the big winner.

Hi, I'm Rich.

Me, too.

I'm Gabe's brother.

- So, you own all of this?

- Gabe and I sure do, yeah.

- I have an idea for a show.

- What kind of show?

How about this?

You want to come in tomorrow,

we'll sit down,

we have an official meeting,

and we can hear all about this show

of yours. I'm sure it's a knockout.

- Okay, yeah.

- Does that sound good?

- Yeah.

- Great.

It's a mindset, right?

Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.

Anything she wants.

Anything.

Okay.

You realize that's where we are, right?

It's that bad?

We run a company together.

Jesus Christ, where the hell are you?

- Wait. I thought we were doing okay.

- We were doing okay in the '90s.

Not so much now. We're going to have

to start laying people off again.

No, no.

So, they thought I had this virus

that only cats get,

but it turned out to just be IBS.

So I couldn't have any orgasms.

I was in the hospital for three weeks.

But I feel so much better now.

That is so great, Alice.

- Should I just bring it in?

- Sure.

Great. Pastrami's mine.

Why don't we get to your idea?

I want a talk show with me as the host.

Okay. Well, it wouldn't... be our

first foray into vanity programming.

That's true. Last year

we did that hobby show.

I think Alice wants

to take over for Oprah.

- Good deal.

- That's crazy.

So, you want to talk

about current events?

No.

A show with guests and do interviews?

No.

What kind of stuff

do you want to talk about?

Me.

I'm still not getting

what the show is going to be.

Let me, Deb.

Alice directing, shooting, editing,

sets, costume design,

- hair and makeup.

- Yeah. I want all that.

All these things add up to making,

creating your own show extremely expensive.

Yeah, particularly when you're not

offsetting those costs

with income from selling products.

- Are we talking about a half hour or...

- Two hours.

- How much would that cost?

- Two hours?

You're looking at $100,000 an episode.

I'd say more like 150.

And that times a hundred would be...

That's $15 million.

$15 million.

My business stuff.

Oh, and I want to come in

on a swan boat.

$15 million.

Guys, we're doing this.

$15 million.

- Yes. Come on, it'll be fun.

- Like a nervous breakdown is fun?

Dawn, everyone...

we do this show or we start

laying people off again.

Have you thought about how this

is going to affect the other brands?

Well, Live Alchemy hasn't turned

a profit in two and a half years.

Same with Viva Ceramica, San Tropez,

Neo Regenerative. Neo Regenerative

has never turned a profit.

- Neo Regenetif. It's French.

- Is that how you say it? Shut up.

Here's the deal. We are dead

in the water without this woman.

The almonds.

Leave the almonds on the floor.

I can clean them up after the session.

Would it make you feel better

if you were eating, too?

This eating is not working for me.

The food is distracting from the work.

I have to eat because

of my new relationship with glucose.

All right. You can have

a snack at five of two

and another one at 2:50.

Please stop eating in session.

So...

like Oprah, but with a swan boat.

Talk show.

Hosted by...

Me.

- Hosted by you.

- Yeah.

All right.

Well, how about a little recap?

In case you missed last week's episode

of the Alice Klieg Show...

That's not what it's called.

That's not the name of it.

You're off your meds,

you just spent $15 million,

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