Welcome to Me Page #3

you're living in a reservation casino,

and you're hosting your own talk show.

I thought I asked you not to eat.

It's a banana.

It's in its own container.

I come out... on the swan boat.

And then I talk about myself.

Is there a show that's kind of like

what you want your show to be?

Oprah.

So, maybe we should watch

some old Oprahs

and pay special attention

to how each show has a topic.

I have a topic.

- Which is?

- Me.

- What does that mean?

- You know, just what I love.

My hopes, my dreams. What I like to eat.

Who I think is a c*nt. My spirituality.

Me.

We need to figure out

how to break this down into segments.

- This is going be live.

- Yeah, okay.

Well... we have regulating your moods

with a high protein lifestyle.

- I want to do a reenactment.

- About what?

- Jordana.

- Jordana who?

- Jordana Spangler.

- Who is Jordana Spangler?

A liar.

Donna Keever.

We'll be right with you.

Alice's. For the reenactments.

- Oh, right. Where is she?

- In the booth, recording her theme song.

You should hear these segment ideas.

- "Matching Colors to Emotions."

- Okay. What else?

"To Be a Woman." That one's a song.

Something called

"I Can Still Smell You."

"Lucky Foods", "You Got Everything,

I Got Nothing."

Can we please... talk about this?

Talk about what?

I don't feel great

about where this is going.

How do you feel

about where this is going?

I'm glad we got to do this.

I got work to do.

Poor sad eyes.

I miss being around dogs.

I'll take Godzilla over here.

Get in.

You want to talk camera?

That's the zoom. That's the focus.

Here's the pan.

Yeah? And the tilt.

And up here's the tally light.

When that's on, you know it's recording.

- Do you want to have dinner?

- I can't.

Can it be a work dinner?

Can it not be a work dinner?

It's just a restraining order.

It's not a big deal.

- Sounds like cops.

- It's real.

I can't go within 50 feet of her.

Or Souplantation.

I've been divorced twice.

Really?

Yeah.

Not twice. I mean three times.

I... I love too much.

It's not a good thing.

I have a swing over my bed.

I mean, I...

I used to... It's in the garage now.

Can I make an observation?

Sure.

I want you to f*** me so bad.

Hang over.

Hey.

I'm going in there, you guys.

Alice?

We need you in hair and makeup.

We're all very proud of you.

Me, too.

You are ready.

You are beautiful.

You are great.

- You are nice.

- In front of the... lips.

You are edible.

This is the best

I can do for you, honey.

- You should go now, Alice.

- Good luck.

- It's not about luck.

- Okay.

Thirty seconds to air.

Camera two to your mark.

Does anyone know where she is?

We need her in the bird.

- We need to get you in the bird.

- Okay, Grace has got her.

An Aeroknife,

no force or strength or pressure.

She's doing the best she can.

Do you have any questions?

Yeah, when people see me on TV, is my face

switched around or on the right side?

- You're going to look great.

- Thanks.

Have fun.

We go live in five, four, three.

Everybody, she is on her way.

From Palm Desert, California,

New Vibrance Studios,

it's Welcome To Me,

with your host, Alice Klieg.

She's doing a lot with her hands.

- What is she doing?

- I think she's a little frozen.

- Come on.

- Say something, Alice. Say something.

You're on TV now.

Hello. I'm Alice Klieg,

and Welcome To Me.

And so it begins.

Lose it. Twenty to the insert.

This morning I woke up and there was

a pubic hair on my pillow

shaped like a question mark.

And it really got me thinking

of unanswered questions.

Like all the times in my life when I was

supposed to feel something,

but I felt nothing.

And all the other times in my life

where I wasn't supposed to feel anything,

but I felt too much,

and the people around me weren't

really ready for all of my feelings.

How many episodes did she buy?

To me, it's worse than heroin.

Worse than any childhood

sexual abuse. You name it.

It wasn't until

I got off the sugar wheel

that I really took control

of my life for the first time.

Then I went off my meds.

Grape tomatoes. They're low glycemic...

Did you know that?

Ladies and gentlemen, meatloaf cake

with mashed sweet potato icing.

With only 433 calories,

52 grams of protein,

and only five carbohydrants.

I think I'm going to have a slice.

Is it carbohydrates or carbohydrants?

It's carbohydrates.

- What's the next piece?

- No, we're on this for a while.

Can Frank tell her to move it along?

No, this is what she wanted.

She wanted to...

She wanted to sit and eat

the cake for an hour?

Yes. Not an hour.

I think it's a good five minutes, though.

So good.

Sometimes I really wonder about people.

Whether they stop maturing emotionally

because of a traumatic event,

maybe a birth defect.

We may never know what twisted the soul

of the daughter of a California dentist,

and to the cruel and malicious

betrayer she became.

Come with me.

I want to show you something.

I'm going to ride my bike.

Come, tag along.

Your sandwich has Cheddar cheese,

also lettuce and some mayonnaise.

Good, good. That's what I want.

Now, in the manner of girls,

let's share some secrets. You start.

What a relief.

Now I can let my hair down.

And by hair I mean defense mechanisms.

And now that you feel safe,

you can tell me anything.

When I was 19, I went to live

with a minister and his family

as an exchange student.

One day we went to the zoo

and I saw a swan choke on a pretzel bite

before my very eyes.

You told everyone at school

I was borderline.

And when I asked you,

you denied telling anyone.

But every single person that I talked to

told me that you said I was.

Everything was different after that.

And it really hurt me.

F*** you to death, Jordana.

Why did it end like that?

We have a few bumps to iron out.

Why does it look so inexpensive?

Well, Alice, we got you

up and running pretty quickly,

- so we're still trying to...

- And why doesn't it look like Oprah?

Because you ate a cake

made out of hamburger and started crying.

Oprah had the highest production

values in the business.

She had the best graphics,

the best lighting, sets, sound.

She had everything.

I'd like that.

This is all doable.

Oh, I want a new opening,

and a new Alice.

And I'd like more swans, too.

I can bring those from home.

Yeah. I want to talk to people.

You know, like Larry King.

- What was wrong with the girl who played you?

- She just wasn't me.

Can someone give me a lift?

Sure.

I don't even know

where to begin. Really.

Why don't we try to get the swans?

She has them at home.

She said she's bringing...

I'm not buying one f***ing swan.

You left the TV on.

It's been on for 11 years.

I should have them

take you to the studio.

Thanks for driving me. This is my old house

from when I was a different person.

I see you... got everything by color.

Colors help me keep

my emotions separate.

Yeah, I can never keep

my emotions separate.

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