Welcome to Me Page #4

Have you ever done it in a bag?

No.

- Shall I take this off?

- No, no.

If you're embarrassed about your feet,

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the number one selling ultimate way...

Good morning. My name is Alice Klieg,

and Welcome To Me.

Live from New Vibrance Studios

in Palm Desert, California,

it's Welcome To Me.

With your host, Alice Klieg.

That corn is pretty.

Let's get ready to track and dissolve.

Water. Thank you, baby.

No problem, baby.

It's all working for you.

And rotate set.

Come with me. Enjoy another time

that happened to me.

Big Bear, 1991.

Thief!

Keep going.

Buy your own makeup, Josie Gaston.

Yes.

Oh, my gosh.

Someone's been tampering

with my makeup bag.

Really loud. You have to yell. Yell it.

Someone!

Someone's been tampering

with my makeup bag!

- How in this world.

- How in this world!

Someone's been tampering

with my makeup... bag!

She's got problems.

I know, it's very upsetting.

I was very upset.

I cried for so many days.

You said Bill looked like a drug addict

and that he had no business

working around people.

- Her Mom is kicking her ass.

- But she's not paying attention, clearly.

You remember what you want to remember.

Now we're all paying attention.

Grape tomatoes. They're low glycemic

and full of phytonutrients.

- Alice?

- Yes, hi. Thanks for calling.

- I think you're a genius.

- You do?

Yeah. I attended

your last show, actually.

Godzilla, come here, come here.

Godzilla, come here.

- That's for menopause.

- I like it.

Why don't you get a titty-kini?

I look horrible in those.

What do you mean

you're not a bikini type?

You know. Bikini types. One piece types.

You got it all wrong, Gina.

If you want to wear a two-piece,

the decision lies with you.

And nobody has the right

to tell you otherwise.

Come on, love yourself.

I sure do.

This is the one I chose.

Nothing. Nothing.

There are two times in my life I've performed

oral sex on a man twice my age.

Jesus.

And that's when I found out

you were a hermaphrodite.

You're a liar, Jordana Spangler.

- You're on TV.

- I don't want to be on TV.

Everybody wants to be on TV.

Not everyone

is an emotional exhibitionist.

Good morning. My name is Alice Klieg,

and Welcome To Me.

Welcome To Me.

Welcome To Me. Me, me, me.

And Welcome To Me.

I knew if I bit him again,

he would beat me.

And I don't mean, like,

on Thanksgiving, you know,

like a sexy beating.

I mean like a real beating.

He would say, "That's just how we do things

in Gaithersburg, Maryland."

Like he was Mr. Big Man,

and he really wasn't.

I was a superior wrestler, even though

I didn't have the training he did.

I should let you know

that I tried to have you put

on psychiatric hold last week.

And what is that?

It means having you involuntarily

committed for an observation period.

- Well, thank you.

- You're welcome.

I'm very worried about you.

I feel like you are

a danger to yourself.

Maybe I'm not what you think I am.

I'm going to read a list of symptoms

common to people getting off of Abilify.

Tell me if you are experiencing

any of this, okay?

Do you have anything to say

before you are sentenced?

I am innocent.

But your wantonness and perversion

have threatened the sanctity of Canada.

But I never asked for these or this.

Alice Klieg, you are found guilty.

Guilty, guilty.

No.

Mama.

It's so dark. Mama. I can see

the pommel horse, mama.

Yeah, yeah, I got Alice.

Yeah, copy that.

Miss Klieg.

- Who are you?

- Hi. I'm Rainer.

- I actually called during your last show.

- I remember.

Yeah. I just want to say I thought

this was, like, your best show yet.

- Really?

- Yeah, you should do five shows a week.

- I hate waiting.

- Like Oprah.

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm writing this paper about you,

about your invention

of the narrative infomercial,

and I was wondering if maybe

you would want to be interviewed.

- Okay.

- Yeah?

Same stuff here.

- Hey, Alice.

- Guess what.

They picked up my show

for five days a week.

Wow, that's great.

And I'm recording my song

with a European orchestra,

and they're studying me in school.

This grad student came to my show.

He was wearing a tuxedo.

That's... so great, Alice.

It just, you know, for the record,

I just want to say that I don't...

I don't like bikinis.

It's not that I think that I'm fat

or anything. I just I don't...

- They're ready to start.

- You know what? I got to go.

- Sorry, I'm at work.

- Okay.

Cindy Sherman.

Yeah, from Laverne and Shirley?

No, no. She's a photographer.

Man, the fact that you don't know

who she is,

makes you, like, 75 million times

more radical than you already are.

- Do you mind if I...

- No. Not at all.

I love your facial expressions.

Well, thank you.

I've never been interviewed before.

- Well, yeah, cheers.

- Congratulations.

- Oh, is it not good?

- I don't drink.

Cool. So, I'm interviewing you

for this class that I'm in right now

called Memoir in Performance,

- and when I saw your reenactments...

- I love you.

I love the way that you play with gender

and race and time

and perception in your work.

I'm just wondering, what's behind

the color-blind casting for you?

Oh, you mean the skier in "Someone's

been tampering with my makeup bag?"

- Yeah.

- She was the prettiest that day.

I was prettier back then.

Do you think I'm pretty now?

- That's what you said.

- I said...

It's got 170,000 hits already.

- How did you know I was on here?

- I'm monitoring your web presence.

You've got some copycats, too.

But they're not you.

I don't feel so good.

You're not supposed to swallow it.

Am I supposed to swallow you?

Alice.

Oh, my God.

Birth.

Purpose.

Destiny.

Intention.

Oprah Winfrey.

From the early days of television,

there has been an unbroken line of sharing,

showing, and growing.

Thank you for choosing Welcome To Me.

Fasten your safety belts

and prepare for take-off.

And now, your host, Alice Klieg.

Alice? Are you still there?

- Yeah, I'm here.

- I hear... noises in the background there.

- Oh, I'm at the airport.

- Where are you flying to?

Oh, I'm not. I just...

I had to mail something.

Okay.

So, are you planning on seeing...

- his name...

- Rainer?

Are you s... Are you planning

on seeing Rainer again?

Hello?

- I want you to know I'm not mad at you anymore.

- About what?

Remember the other day

when you yelled at me?

Alice, please reconsider

getting back on your regimen.

If it's a dosage thing,

we can figure it out, make adjustments.

Okay, our time is up.

We've got red kidney beans, ground beef,

low sugar tomato sauce,

herbs and spices,

bringing us in at only nine grams

of carbohydrants per serving.

Now, that's a low glycemic meal.

- Dawn? Frank? Can you see this?

- Not really, Alice.

Why don't you bring it on down

so the audience can take a look?

- Good idea, baby.

- No problem, baby.

Oh, my God, I'm burning.

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