Welcome to Me Page #5

- Oh, my God. I'm burning.

- Grace, go help her get that off.

Oh, my... Get away from me.

How did this happen? Help me!

Whose job is this? Help me! Gabe!

- You should try Gabe again.

- I'll try him in a little bit.

- Did you tell him I'm in the burn unit?

- Yeah, I already did.

Will it be a lot of damage?

Only second-degree burns.

Why did this happen to me?

Lady Gym is closing.

Do you think I should sue the station?

I lost my job.

You'll find one.

I can't feel my tits.

Oh, don't go. Please.

I got to get a few hours sleep

or I'll be useless tomorrow.

I have four interviews lined up.

Okay.

Can someone please

turn my f***ing TV on?

- You didn't answer the front door.

- That's right, I didn't.

I saw the show.

Which one?

The one that I was on.

- I should've let you know.

- Yes, you should have.

Where are you going?

These are all well respected doctors,

a couple of whom I know personally.

They'd be happy to consider

taking you on as a patient.

- You're firing me?

- I'm not firing you.

I'm seeing to my own safety.

You should try it.

Daryl?

Daryl?

Come back.

No, I'm just eating a cheese sandwich.

Alice.

There she is.

- Welcome back.

- Thanks.

I've got something

that might cheer you up.

Turn to page 31.

Not only did somebody make the ratings,

somebody beat

the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

And I just got a call

from KPXN San Bernardino.

They want you for a time-buy.

Congrats, Alice.

Thanks.

So, what's on for Monday?

I want to neuter a dog.

On TV?

- Deb's walking.

- Walking?

Quitting.

No, no, no, no.

Deborah.

She's a menace, Rich.

I can't believe

you're letting her come back.

Oh, wait, yeah. Of course I can.

'Cause you are a greedy twat.

She has a point.

Go have fun with your girlfriend.

I'm done.

Go home. I'll finish up with Alice.

- No, I mean really done.

- Go home, Gabe!

You like being a bully?

You seem a little tense, Gabriel.

Why don't you get married

and divorced again?

- She's rubbing off on you.

- You don't respect me.

You never have.

I want you to buy me out.

- Oh, you're so superior.

- I'll have Barb draw everything up.

Jesus.

I was a veterinary nurse for six years,

and assisted in hundreds

of these "pro-said-ures".

Once again the reckless copulation

of our animal kingdom

leaves us with a "tis-nammi"

of puppies and kitties.

Over the next few weeks,

I plan to neuter my own pets,

and any pets any viewers

would like to bring by the studio.

- It's a public service.

- As you can see,

Godzilla is receiving a mixture

of oxygen and isofluorine gas.

It's really important, as you know,

to remove all the hair

from the penis and walnuts

before we begin.

Let's castrate.

First cut is the deepest.

We're going to want to remove

the walnuts from the other tissue.

Now I'm going to tie it off

with the monofilament.

This is called a subcuticular suture.

And it's going to dissolve in case

the doggie licks the little wound.

If you have a dog that needs

to be neutered, please contact...

- How are you doing, George?

- I'm... need water.

We're doing a good thing.

Doing this all week.

Let's start with the easy stuff.

Here's what Gabe wants.

That's just hurtful. What about Landon?

- He's still on the fence.

- He's crackpot. Never hit him.

Not the point. If he decides

to sue, he will win.

What are you playing at here, Richard?

She wants to be televised.

She calls this guy "taker,"

said he was a "prostitute of the mind."

Accused this married mother of three

of stealing assorted cosmetic

products from her in 1991.

And the list just goes on and on and on.

- How much they all want?

- I'm not done.

The ASPCA is going to be here tomorrow

about what she's doing to those dogs.

- Okay. Thank you, Barb.

- Richard.

They're going to shut

your ass down, Richard.

- What's going on?

- I'll be brief.

No more neuterings, okay?

All this sh*t has got to go by tomorrow.

Take the f***ing dogs out of here.

I can't house them anymore.

I can't do it. All right?

That's just health code stuff.

Does he know we're live?

Should I say something?

There are 31 lawsuits

filed against New Vibrance

from people you slandered on the air.

So you better get that pretty binder out

and make all these go away

or a lot of good hard working

non-psychotic people will lose their jobs.

If you hurt or come close to hurting

someone in my employ again,

you can find somewhere else to do

this nonsense. No discussion.

Also, stop screwing my brother.

That's probably best for everybody.

Have a fantastic show.

No, this is not the show!

Okay.

That's all for today.

Alice, you have another 40 minutes.

I'm done for today.

Can someone please get my dogs?

Let's get Alice her doggies.

And you heard the lady, that's a wrap.

Can I go home, too?

Come on, guys.

Where's my car?

- He's coming later.

- Why later?

- You finished up early today.

- Oh, yeah.

Hi, this is Gina.

I'm sorry I wasn't able...

Sorry I wasn't able to pick up the phone.

Please leave me a message.

I need to cancel my chauffeur today.

This whole week, actually.

- Room service.

- Leave it outside!

This next story is a perfect example

of true friendship.

Go away!

Hi, this is Gina. I'm sorry

I wasn't able to come to the phone.

And I explained this to you guys before,

and now I have

a thousand packets of protein

with... 32 grams of carbohydrants,

and... at 16 grams of straight glucose,

and I can't, yeah, I can't use that.

I want everybody, everybody in the audience

and all of you at home right now,

no matter what are you doing,

I want you to take a deep breath.

In and out. Thank you so much.

Again. In and out.

Just relax for the next hour.

Ms. Klieg, are you still there?

I'm all alone.

Please.

Please. I'm all alone.

I live in a casino.

Oh, thank God. Thank God.

Oh, gosh, you're the only

normal person I've seen.

Back on the happy pills.

Look out, world.

When do you get out?

24 hours.

I haven't talked to you

since the burn unit.

I've called you, like, a million times.

Look, it's better.

Aren't you happy to see me?

- Ted has the dogs.

- Oh, my God, I forgot.

As soon as they let you out, you need

to get them. He can't keep them.

Wait, you're leaving?

You're a terrible friend.

You only care about your own pain.

I'm sorry you hurt so bad,

but that doesn't mean other people

aren't vulnerable or sensitive.

And just because you made

a career out of it

doesn't mean that other people

don't have feelings.

You don't get to f***ing cry right now.

I am crying right now.

I lost my job.

And I told, and you haven't

asked me once if I was okay

- or if I needed any help.

- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. If you want,

I can give you money.

I don't want money.

I just want my friend.

Gina, wait. Gina.

F*** you for making me fat

on your stupid show.

What? That's all I have left?

When you win $86 million,

you don't actually get $86 million.

So, conservatively speaking,

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