Welcome to the North Page #7

- They usethem in Milan.

- Seatbelts on, please.

- In the back too.

- Yes, it's the law.

"The law... "

She must be Alberto's cousin.

Just look at her ears.

Eveyone's wearing helmets.

They think we were born yesterday.

That's true,

they all wear helmets in Milan.

Even on bicycles?

They'll start wearing helmets

when they walk too.

There they are.

You need a helmet in Milan.

She's right, they throw rocks

off bridges. Don't they, miss?

Yes...

Look at her! Unbelievable!

Good show, we believe you!

Look, all in single file,

all in order.

We should call

child protection services!

Milanese doors!

Ma'am, it's 24 euros.

Of course

get your friends to pay you.

Excuse me, it's 24 euros.

You want to earn money

with this farce. How awful!

No, you're crazy.

You have to pay me.

It's useless, just accept the facts.

You're no good at acting.

Porter, our luggage, please.

It's hard to explain

the happiness of efficiency.

And even more,

the efficiency of happiness.

But today I have the right man here,

a man who came from the south,

a man who found glory in the north,

the hard-working Mattia Volpe.

My dear friends, this project

has three extraordinay values,

in which I profoundly believe.

Number one:
efficiency.

Two:
readiness.

Three:
punctuality.

- Efficiency, punctuality...

- You were right.

- Just as I thought...

- They're all in on it.

I've tried it.

Registered post

in 1 minute, 50 seconds is a thrill.

Son-of-a-b*tch.

Too much northerness at once, all

we need is fog and Alpine soldiers.

There's one.

Take that off!

- Maria!

- You look ridiculous.

It's between me and Alberto.

How are you?

Stop it, I'm not stupid.

Castellabate could be the Far West

but Mattia could neverwork

like a Milanese person.

- And so?

- I nearly fell for it.

But you're no good at farces.

Liar!

Farces?

Farces? So even Alberto...

Efficiency, readiness, punctuality.

Enough of this bullshit.

Shame on you.

- Who is this mad woman?

- Shut your mouth!

Drop dead.

I'm from the south like you

and I know post offices are full

of elderly folk passing their time.

It's full of emotions,

of couples who go there to talk,

to hear a comforting word.

So this project

won't work in the south.

Go up there, now!

This project won't work in the south!

Calm down!

Stay here.

I'm a postman like you

and I'm from the north.

It's not true that this project

won't work in the south.

This project won't work in the north

or in the rest of Italy!

And how do I know?

I realised when I started taking

time for myself and living.

And I rediscovered

the things I love.

What did I say?

- What a slap!

- Holy Mary!

It's over for you at the post office.

I can assure you.

- Cut it out, buffoon!

- Well said, Maria!

They could have chosen

a less idiotic-looking chief.

You're Colombo's terrible wife.

I'll sue you.

I'm scared!

- Did they hire a helicopter too?

- So it was true?

- What have we done?

- It wasn't a farce!

- You talk to Mattia and Alberto.

- No, you do it.

- What shall we do?

- Let's go!

Come on, I know a place

where they'll never find us.

I've lost everything:

my job, my wife...

I've lost my friends and mother.

Could it be any worse?

No.

Here you are.

Because of you

I was sent to Ariano Irpino.

- Which one of you is Colombo?

- Him!

Shame on you!

It's nice here.

We pay for a house here

but nevercome.

Why are we here?

I'm paying for a house,

I have the right to see it.

This is where I met Alberto.

You know, I met Silvia here.

I met Mattia on the beach.

He was always sun-bathing.

Maria's prettier now

than when I met her.

I can't imagine him

working day and night.

What about me?

Now that Alberto wants more free time

he might be at home more,

glued to me, with hobbies...

I want to spend more time

with Silvia, and at home.

I'll find a hobby

or I'll learn to cook.

- Maria.

- What is it?

- Tell me it's not true.

- What?

Hooray for the Alpim soldien!

Holy Mary!

He's an Alpine soldier now too?

Hooray for the Alpim soldien!

Sorry.

You look so handsome!

Hey, drink up.

I don't drink.

You can't say no to Alpine soldiers,

they'll get offended.

Well, the north isn't so cold, is it?

It's like being in Castellabate.

All that's missing is the sea.

- What's up?

- I think I drank too much.

I saw my mom hugging Scapece

dressed as an Alpine soldier.

Really? As an Alpine soldier?

That's brilliant!

Polenta!

Erminia, your blood pressure's lovely.

No, yours is lovelier.

To hell with work,

I'll stay home all day, I promise.

- Slow down.

- In what way?

All day is too much.

Only you could be beautiful

in every single city.

In Castellabate

in Milan, and here!too.

Idiot!

When I come home

I'll take out a mortgage!

You said "mortgage".

Fixed-rate mortgage,

flexible mortgage...

This is flexible.

It's your turn.

Come and see.

How beautiful!

- The north is beautiful too.

- Wow.

Holy Mary!

MILAN, ONE MONTH LATER

Eat your little salad.

You always say

little salad, little drink,

little coffee...

In Milan everything's little.

But you call a cappuccino

a "cappuccio".

- These are veal shanks.

- I know.

- This is pork stew.

- I know.

- This is a cutlet.

- I know.

- You know everything.

- I've been here ages.

It's not my fault

you're only welcoming me now.

True, we haven't

welcomed you officially yet.

- Mattia, welcome to the north.

- Welcome, Mattia.

- A bit late, but I'm happy.

- We're not like you southerners.

You go into people's houses,

take everything and hang cheeses.

But you Milanese don't let anyone in,

you send them straight to the hotel.

He didn't even spend one night there!

Say goodbye to the north, Mattia.

- Goodbye.

- What's this?

Castellabate?

The post office fired Palmisani

so I asked a favour.

In the end you got rid of me.

You're brilliant.

I get my bed back.

This is a really typical

Milanese dinner.

Not because we're eating

veal shanks and cutlets

but because only in Milan do you

welcome someone and say goodbye.

To save time, I know.

To Mattia! To Castellabate!

We have to pay the bill. The bill!

What did you have?

I shared the stew with Ciaparat.

A dessert and water.

The usual, 22.50.

Half of Sandrino's stew, polenta,

veal shanks, wine and coffee.

Veal shanks, stew, salad,

water and wine.

Okay, water and wine...

That's 15 euros.

I had veal shanks too, stew,

potatoes, water and wine.

- That's 46.80.

- But we all had the same.

Well someone has to pay

for the wine. Mattia?

Well... I had a cutlet,

a spoonful of Ciaparat's dessert,

four glasses of water,

one coffee with four sugars

and a bite of a sandwich.

And I looked at the meat

the man at the next table was eating.

You always have to be...

Let's do it Neapolitan-style,

one pays for all.

A round of applause for Alberto.

Thanks, Alberto.

I'm joking,

it's my turn to pay tonight.

So I put it in first?

Make sure that the bone

is cut in the narrowest part

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes