Welcome To The Rileys Page #3

garage door open like that.

I know.

Thank you.

Good to see you,

it's been a long time.

- Good evening.

- Hi.

- Who are you?

- Doug.

Who are you?

- Is Bridget home?

- Who?

You know, Bridget.

Roxy?

- Jennifer...

- Mallory. - Yeah! Mallory.

She home?

- No, she's at work.

- Oh. Saw the lights on.

- You wanna leave her a message or...

- Just dropping by.

No big thing.

Another time.

Good night.

I got a lot of 20's tonight.

It's crazy.

Here is another... ouch! F***er.

Ten...

Twenty.

Okay, that's thirty...

First of all, put your

money in the right order.

Twentys, tens, fives, ones.

- Okay, chill out.

- Show your money some respect.

Oh, I respect money!

Oh, F***.

God! Someone opened

a can of tuna fish.

And I bet your balls smell just

like apple fritters, right?

I wouldn't know... I don't keep

my money in my underpants.

Well, You would if you did what I do.

I know girls who keep money

inside their cooters.

I guess it's, you know, a safety thing..

What's your problem?

I don't know, I guess I'm just not

used to being around young women

who talk about their.. private parts.

Like, hello?

I have private parts?

Wait till you see your house.

All right, the top of the sheet,

matches the top of the bed.

See?

Level, right here...

- Just straighting it out. - It looks pretty good to me.

- Both sides even? - Yeah.

They do, huh?

This side's too long.

Well, they're both too long.

- Does it really make that

much of a difference? - Yes.

All right, now tuck it in.

Over here. Under.

Tight.

Okay, now,

This is the tough part.

Come here.

'45 degree'... where

do you get this sh*t?

What? Nobody taught you

how to make a bed before?

There, you see, now it's tight.

Put your hand here.

You know, I'm really not some kind of f***ing

idiot, who doesn't even know how to make a bed.

I didn't mean to imply that.

Ok, you tuck it here, tuck it under..

Well then, maybe you shouldn't say sh*t like that.

And.. and think that I should know

sh*t that I haven't figured out yet.

Okay.

Ok, I'm sorry.

All right.

Okay?

Yeah, okay.

Where you headed?

New Orleans.

I like New Orleans.

Pretty special place.

- Is it?

- Yeah.

But I like about anywhere.

Except Vegas

don't like places invented to

don't like places hold you upside down and

shake all the money out of your pockets.

Name's Roger.

What's yours?

Lois.

You married to Superman, Lois?

But you are married, right?

Thirty years next June.

You're too young too

be married that long.

Am I bothering you?

I'm just not used to...

Not used to talking to strangers?

It's all I do.

Talk to strangers.

Comes with the job.

Got kids?

No.

- Do you?

- No.

Think I might be able

to buy you a drink?

Ummm... I don't think

they serve liquor here.

No. There's a bar, up the road a piece

Nice place, real clean.

It's okay.

Bet you get tired of guys always

trying to get personal with you.

No, I wouldn't say that exactly.

It's been a long time since..

Anything... everything.

It's nice of you to ask me.

I'm flattered.

I mean that.

Well, I...

Better hit the road.

Yeah, me too

Nice talking to you, Lois.

Nice talking to you, too.

Doug, I just got ripped off!

What?

All my f***ing money is gone, I'm

gonna f***ing kill this guy!

All right. Calm down.

Where are you?

I'm at the..

Hotel, you don't know where it is.

You all right?

- Yeah, I just can't stand on the street without the cops

coming by me like I'm a f***in crack whore. - What happened?

I came here with this guy and uh..

He kept trying to stick it up

my f***in ass and I was like

pencil dick back the f***

up and he wouldn't so

I went to piss and I came back out,

and my wallet's sitting on the bed

and all my sh*t is everywhere, and he's cars gone,

and all I've got is f***in shoes and like..

- I'm out 900 bucks.

- $ 900?

Why-in-the-hell would you carry

that much money around with you?

- Where else am I gonna keep it?

- I don't know. In the bank?

What? I don't have a

f***ing bank account!

And this f***ing a**hole won't

give me the guy's address

- because he's f***ing friends with him. I'm gonna f***in kill him!

- Hey! Hey!

- And what are you going to do with his address?

- I'm gonna go get my money back.

Uh, no, you're not.

Your either going to call the police

Or you're gonna drop it.

I can't call the police, Doug!

- Don't be so f***ing stupid, just help me!

- I'm stupid?

You bring 900 dollars to a place

like this, and I'm stupid?

Come here with a**holes from that club.

- That's stupid, that's really stupid!

- Yeah, okay, I'm really f***ing stupid!

Where are you going?

- I'm gonna go turn some tricks so I can

make my money back. - No, no you're not!

Come on, we're going home.

Then go ahead!

Go ahead, goddamnit!

Okay.

Okay.

I mean f***in...

f***in everything..

Always...

like my whole life...

I..

Since forever...

forever...

- I know.

I know.

You'll be okay.

Look at me.

You up yet?

Go away.

- You gonna sleep all day?

- F*** off.

Come on, let's go.

What the f*** do you

think you're doing?

- Going to the laundromat.

- What the f*** time is it?

It's two-fifteen in the afternoon.

Come on. Let's get moving.

What are you doing?

Laundry. You wanna do laundry?

Here, wash my laundry for me.

- You break my heart... - Why?

Because you want to f*** me and you can't?

Come on.

We're going to the laundromat.

Let's go!

Can you give me my money today?

Put your clothes on. - Give me my f***ing

money or get the f*** out of my house!

Here, here's your money.

You know what?

You want to parade around

here in your birthday suit?

If displaying your vagina is

the only way you can feel

in control then knock yourself out.

But I'm tired of your language.

Especially the word 'f***' in all

of its various permutations.

Now, I know it's your only adjective,

but it makes you sound cheap

and immature and uneducated.

And that may be the truth,

but why advertise it?

Now, starting today I'm docking you a

dollar every time you use that word.

So get up,

get dressed,

get in the shower, brush your teeth

let's go.

Let's go!

Let's go.

Don't be mad at me.

I don't like being told what to do.

I can't help it.

And I'll lay off the curse words

I will, I promise.

Okay?

Goddamnit, Doug, please!

Don't be mad at me!

I'm not mad at you.

- You 're acting like you're mad at me!

- No, I'm not acting like I'm mad at you.

Come on, sit down.

Take it easy.

Come here.

Come here, come on.

Just.. just don't be mad at me.

You can't.

Hello?

Hi.

Hey.

I called you last night.

You must have gone to bed.

- Did you get my message?

- I'm here.

- Well, like I said last night.

I'm very sorry about not

- I'm here.

- What?

I know you are.

- And I appreciate it.

- Damnit.

Doug, I'm here

in New Orleans.

I was supposed to get off on

Beysan Steet

and somehow I got on Royal

I'm really out of directions now.

- You're in New Orleans?

- Yes!

- I drove down.

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