West Is West

Chalo.

Do two basket potatoes,

then phone a fish man.

- Hello, Mrs.

- Hello.

Hello, Mrs!

- All right, Charlie?

- Hiya.

I'll go, all right? Just leave me here.

I promise I'll go in.

You think I stupid?

I not your mam, mister.

I give you to teacher

and he bloody walk you in a school.

Mr. Khan.

Uh...

Go with your teacher and stay

in the school. Or I bloody fixing you.

Don't worry, Mr. Khan.

Come here, you Paki bastard! Get him!

Oh, no.

Nowhere to run now, Kid Curry.

- Oi, Gunga Din!

- Oh, sh*t!

To me, boy. To me.

Kya bloody baje do you call this

to be leaving us?

Sir?

The baje, lad! The skenning time.

Can you not speak Urdu?

No. I'm English, sir.

Rawalpindi. Do you know

Rawalpindi, Khan? Pakistan?

Never been, sir.

I was stationed out there just before

the outbreak of hostilities in '39.

Khushi thi bahut it were and all.

Can you show me Pakistan

on that map, Khan?

Poland.

Switzerland.

Prestatyn.

Never mind. Sit yourself down, lad.

Tropical warfare. Not a pretty sight.

The jungle is a killer.

You get bitten by

the wrong type of mosquito out there

and before you know it, elephantitis.

Testicles swell up the size of mangoes

- and explode.

- Really, sir?

Two-minute check in the morning,

just to be sure.

Remember that, Khan,

if you're ever in the tropics.

- I will, sir. Two minutes, sir.

- But don't linger, lad.

Or you'll go blind.

Your ignorance is a crime, Khan.

I shall endeavour to remedy it.

"He sat,

in defiance of municipal orders,

"astride the gun Zam-Zammah

"on the brick platform

opposite the old Ajaib-Gher,

"the Wonder House,

as the natives call the Lahore Museum."

It's a pungent place, Khan.

Pungent. Sultry.

Sir?

Does it not conjure up the heat

for you, lad? Eh?

Can you not smell those spices?

I can when my dad makes a curry.

I can't make head nor bleedin' tail

of this. It's all squiggles.

Is it in Urdu?

No. Maneer's writing. A chimpanzee

with a crayon would be clearer.

- Give it here.

- Can I go out now?

You go nowhere. It's a letter

from your brother in Pakistan.

- "Salam alaikum."

- Wa alaikum salam.

What do you say?

- Wa alaikum as-salam.

- "Hiya, all.

"Everyone here in Pakistan

sends you their salams."

Wa alaikum salam.

- Hey!

- It's only a letter.

I'll letter you in a minute, baster.

He's your brother.

You should show respect to him.

He in Pakistan!

Wa alaikum as-salam.

All my family

in Pakistan happy.

Because Maneer is there, you see?

Yeah, I'll say.

He took enough cash for them.

"It's got dead hot over here

at the moment.

"And I've been working my

"bullocks"?

George just bought a new pair

for you-know-who.

- What she say?

- Bought Mrs. Khan number one

a new pair of bullocks,

have you, George?

First she's seen in years.

Oh, stupy.

All work farm together. See? Sharing.

If I'd have known

I'd be sharing me bullocks,

I wouldn't have married him

in the first place.

It's a man's job, see, Annie?

Having to be strong.

Holding like this.

It's good. Maneer working in the fields.

All my family, see? He just like them.

Just like a Pakistani. He can do, in'it?

Why didn't you buy him a tractor?

Why are you always a bloody stupy?

"Who holds Zam-Zammah,

that fire-breathing dragon,

"holds the Punjab."

Bollocks to the Punjab!

So what part of India

are you from then, Shanti?

Oh, me dad, he's from Paki...

Um, Pakidilistan.

- Oh!

- It's a very spiritual place.

You know, these look good on you.

Oh, yeah, you were right.

Mmm, I find them really relaxing.

They're considered sacred

in my father's country.

- He sounds dead spiritual, your dad.

- Mmm.

He's practically Gandhi.

Do you think these are good

for me chakras?

Oh, aye, yeah. It, um,

transen-tit-ises them.

You know, I give mine

a good going-over every night.

- Which is a blast.

- Shanti...

All right, our Tariq?

What the f*** are you doing here?

That doesn't sound

very Pakidilistani now, does it?

- I've come to see our Nazir.

- He's in Bradford buying stock.

- Why aren't you at school?

- We're on a trip. It's half day.

And I've spent my bus money on chips.

I need...

- Whoa. You spent your money on chips?

- Yeah.

We've got a f***ing chippy at home,

you knobhead.

Out now.

- Just my little brother.

- All right?

- Hiya. What's your name?

- Ravi Shankar.

Bye!

That's the little bastard.

- Mr. Jordan, what's happening?

- I'll kill him, baster.

Life, oh, best beloved,

is difficult for all men,

especially when we go from being

a man cub to a man,

and walk in a man's world.

- Baster! You make me ashamed!

- George, you've made your point.

- Point? I'll pucking kill him! Baster!

- That's enough, George.

Not even his bloody brothers

gave me trouble with the police.

- Yeah, and where are they now?

- Sajid.

I hate you!

Why don't you just f*** off?

What you... What you say to me?

- Get off me!

- Stop it!

Get away from me,

you dirty Paki bastard!

You want to know

why I don't want to go to school?

It's 'cause they all know

you're a f***ing Paki!

You listen to me.

I don't care what your dad does.

Don't let me ever catch you

using that word to him again.

- But he started it.

- Never! Do you hear me?

I've had enough of this behaviour

and it's got to stop.

It will stop.

It's the kids at school, George.

The name-calling he gets.

How can my son say this to me?

Maybe he doesn't want to...

- To be a Pakistani?

- I'm not saying that.

But you're meaning this.

Is same with all my children.

Now all bloody English.

Well, so am I.

Or have you forgotten that?

You always take their side

against me. Why?

I your husband. You should support me.

- I'm still here with you, aren't I?

- It's no same thing.

Christ, George,

what do you want from me?

I no want it go wrong again.

Ella, he my last one.

This has to be done.

I know.

Don't mean I like it, though.

He not know who he is.

Not know who I am.

I tell you, he listen to me this time.

I bloody show him.

See? Bloody lovelies.

Pakistan.

- Yours?

- All mine.

Check. Check. Check. Check.

Check!

Yeah. Dead funny.

Uncle! Over here! Here, here.

- Salam alaikum.

- Wa alaikum as-salam.

- Everything okay?

- Good, good, good.

Salam alaikum.

Are you daft? She not with us.

- Sajid. You go other car.

- I take care. Come.

- Have you been to our chip shop?

- No.

I been your chippy chop.

I live in Bradford.

One year. Work in bloody mill.

Were bloody horrible.

I bloody come back here quick.

I you cousin.

You daddy is my chacha. Uncle.

My mummy, your daddy's sister.

I'm your first cousin.

- But I'm married to your sister, Rehana.

- Who?

Oh, your dad's other daughter, isn't it?

From his proper...

You know, his first wife.

- He related to us also as well.

- My daddy, his chacha. Uncle.

- Yeah, yeah.

- My grandmother's sister was married

- to your grandfather's cousin.

- Got it?

Camel!

It's a camel!

Loads of them! Camels!

Wedge. Tanvir, wedge, wedge.

Needing wedge for wedging.

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