Wet Hot American Summer
1
# Can't you see it's all over #
# For you and me, girl #
# There's a time for love and a
time for letting me be, baby
# Jane, you're playing
a game called #
# How hard you get by
its real name #
just don't feel the same #
# Ah, Jane #
Guys, we gotta get outta here.
You guys aren't supposed
to be out of your bunks.
You're in trouble.
Wake up!
# Standing in the
rain with his head hung low #
# Couldn't get a ticket
it was a sold-out show #
# Heard the roar of the crowd
# Put his head to the wall and like a
distant scream # - I'm up!
# It just blew him away #
You guys!
Let's go, girls!
You look hot.
The bunk 5 boys are gonna freak out
when they see you at kick ball. Let's go.
Ow!
All right, let's go.
Good morning, everybody.
Well, it's the last day of camp...
and it will be sad to shut down
WCFW for the summer.
But not to worry, because those of you in
the Bethesda/Chevy Chase area...
Can hear me all winter long on Jewish Day
School Radio 89.9 F.M...
"The Fox."
who went all summer,
all eight weeks without finding
that special someone,
today is your day, 'cause you
don't wanna go back home...
and lie to your friends about a summer
romance that didn't even happen.
And you don't want to be
the one person...
who doesn't have anyone to kiss tonight
after the talent show.
So, seize the day, Camp Firewood,
because it's your last.
Coop, do you like watching
me and Andy make out?
No. What a weird thing to say.
- You look so sexy in this sweatshirt.
- Uh-huh.
- Your ass is so hot.
- Stop it!
- Do you want to be my boyfriend?
- No.
I get it. It's very funny. Stop.
Oh, Coop, you know I'm just kidding.
I know, and it's very, very funny.
Okay. I'm sorry.
- Want me to make it up to you?
- No, you've done enough already.
- I'm gonna find you a woman today.
- Honestly, don't worry about it.
No. And I'm not gonna rest until
my mission is accomplished, okay?
Okay. then I'll cancel that
order of onions and Limburger
cheese I made for lunch today.
- Ha-ha.
- Yeah.
- I want you inside me.
- What?
Hey, what's up? I was just...
from before.
Coop, were you just talking to Katie?
What was that?
That was, bar none, the
longest conversation I've had
with her in six years of camp.
Does she want to f*** me? Is that
what she was asking you about?
Because, tell her that I will. In fact...
no, don't tell her that I will.
Tell her that I might.
Victor, I hate to break it to you,
but your name didn't even come up.
She definitely wants to f*** me.
Why else would she be talking to you?
- No offense.
- None taken.
Hello. Hi.
- Uh, hi.
- Hi. I'm Beth.
Nice to meet you. I'm Henry.
I've been seeing you around, so I thought
I'd take a chance...
and introduce myself.
- Thank you.
- So...
So, you work at the camp?
- I'm the camp director.
How about yourself? - Me?
- I don't work over there.
- No, I know.
I'm the director. I would know...
- if you were...
- Right. You would know that.
I teach astrophysics over at the
college in the school year.
And I came here this summer
just to, you know,
relax and reflect.
Wow! You're a professor.
What do you teach?
Well, like I said before, astrophysics.
I study space, stars, comets
and that kind of thing.
"Space...
the final frontier."
Right. Thanks for everything.
Hey! You know what?
if you came by the camp and
taught the campers about space.
- No, I couldn't...
- They'd love it.
No, I couldn't possibly.
- It would be just...
- I said no!
Sorry. that was...
Oh, Coop. Look at Abby.
Oh, she wants to f*** me.
So help me God.
She wants to f*** me.
And this time, Victor, I'm sure it's true.
I have to admit. Abby Bernstein
is one of the only berry bushes...
that I have yet to pollinate,
if you get my meaning.
You mean, she's the only girl at camp
you haven't done it with yet?
That's exactly what I mean.
Hey, Gene. Any mashed potatoes?
Gary! Bring out the taters!
Here they are. Hey, Gary.
- Hey, dude, what's up?
- Hey, guys.
What'd you say, shithead?
I said, "hey, guys."
What's your glitz, Gene?
Listen to me, you f***ed-up little
cigarette-smoking piece of sh*t.
I was in the Vietnam war.
- I know.
- Oh, yeah.
The 'Nam.
Excuse me, ladies. You
may remember me...
as the guy who came to dinner a few
weeks ago with underwear on my head.
My name is Keith Stack.
From Millburn, New Jersey.
State bird:
The Mosquito.And as you may have heard,
I am recently...
a crowned class-b Dungeon Master.
So if any of you would like
to play "D & D" today,
please speak now or
forever hold your peace.
Anyone?
Alexa, maybe you'd like to join in?
We do need a druid, and
you have definitely cast...
a level-five charm spell on me.
In your dreams, douche bag.
Douche bags are hygienic products.
I take that as a compliment.
- Thank you.
- Ewww! Ewww!
Well, we made it to the end
of the summer in one piece,
Except for a few campers who are lepers.
Good one, Beth.
Thank you, Gene.
Excuse me. Could you tell me where
I could find the, uh...
How do I put this?
The, uh, sci-fi,
nerdy, indoor kids?
- Bunk 3.
- Oh, yeah. thanks.
Hey, guys.
I'm associate Professor Neumann.
Who'd like to spend the last day at camp
doing science projects?
Okay, okay. Okay, cool.
I've seen more f***ed-up sh*t happen
in five minutes out there...
than you'll see in your whole f***ing life.
Gene, I'm really sorry, you know.
If I could change history, I would.
F*** you! We need to make eight gallons
Do you know where
In the pantry over the sink, right
next to my bottle of dick cream!
Wait.
Ignore that last comment.
- Did you say dick cream?
- No.
I said stick team.
You know, stickball? Forget about it.
Go away! Leave me alone.
I'm pretty sure he said
dick cream, but...
Victor.
I need you and Neil to take The Eagles out
on Moose river. I made them a promise.
It's the last day of camp.
It's not gonna work for me.
- It's not gonna work for you?
- No.
It's not gonna work for you. Okay,
how about this as a compromise?
go out on Moose river...
- and you and Neil are
going to take them. - What?
Everybody focus up. All eyes here.
Ben and I are planning to
produce a musical number...
from godspell for the talent show tonight.
I'm sorry. Ben is producing, I am
directing/choreographing.
I'm speaking from personal experience,
but if you can't carry a tune...
don't come to the audition
and waste our time.
- We're serious.
- And bring a lot of movement clothes,
A.K.A. jazz shoes,
dance belts, lycras, et al.
and seriously, F.Y.I., you guys,
this is not an excuse to get out
of your regular activities.
This is an excuse to do
some good musical theater.
So, be prepared, be enthusiastic...
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"Wet Hot American Summer" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 5 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/wet_hot_american_summer_23253>.
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