Wet Hot American Summer Page #2

and leave your bullshit

attitude and baggage at the

door, 'cause we don't need it!

Hey, you guys!

Oh, I was thinking maybe

we could take a walk later,

maybe go out to Gunner's Pass

one last time.

Goddamn it, Katie! You're suffocating me!

I'm chokin', all right?

Give me some breathing room.

I just want to spend some time with you.

It's our last day at camp.

- My butt itches.

- What are you talking about?

- We're soul mates, right?

- What? Yeah.

Whatever, if you want.

J.J., save me a waffle, man.

Andy, I'm serious. Come on.

I just want it to be special.

F*** you, dyke!

- Why are you being such an a**hole?

- I gotta finish my breakfast.

I love you, baby. So good talking to you.

Yeah, see you in macrame.

One last, successful B.K.F.S.T...

becomes one for the record books.

And with t-minus 11 hours

to the big talent show,

we sail on aboard

the good ship Firewood...

toward a little oasis

that I like to call...

morning activity time.

What's going on with Silas?

You didn't hear? He got kicked

out of camp. - Why?

He snuck into the office and videotaped

himself jerking off. - You're kidding!

- Where's the tape?

- He hid it.

- We gotta get that tape. - It's

a subject matter I'm sure

you're familiar with, McKinley.

- Shut up, J.J.

- You shut up.

- You shut up.

- You shut up.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

And one, and one.

Step aside. Step aside.

All right. Stop it!

Okay, kids. Um, today

we're going to use...

some crayons...

to make some decorations

for the talent show.

- Is that your wedding ring, Gail?

- Um, no.

I mean, yes, actually.

Yes, it is. It was.

It was. It used to be,

I mean, legally.

It's so twisted. His lawyer

won't even call me now.

- Where are the crayons?

- The crayons are...

the crayon is right there.

We could draw

with the markers.

Listen, Valerie,

I need you to be

helpful here, okay?

I do not need you

to undermine me, okay?

But there's only one crayon,

and it's brown.

There are literally hundreds

of colored markers.

Hey.

Going on your trip?

Yep.

Sucks dick we never got

to know each other.

Yeah.

You got a stick of gum, Victor?

I thought you'd never ask.

Abby! My trip...

it doesn't come back until tomorrow.

- Don't go.

- I can't, because Beth told me...

Let's go.

# Get ready get set, baby #

I'll be back tonight.

# Leaving tomorrow

so get ready #

# Get ready get set, baby #

Tonight.

Ah!

This is "The Beekeeper" here

on Camp Firewood radio.

I've got my drones working hard

on a breakfast time rock... Hey.

- Arty, I need you to take a shower.

- Okay.

Your parents are coming tomorrow.

I don't want to get in trouble.

- Sure. - You haven't taken a

shower once yet this summer.

- Fine. No problem.

- Arty, take a shower.

You're covered in dirt.

Fine.

This is Arty Solomon here.

Alias, "The Beekeeper."

- You guys,

I'm really gonna miss this place. - Me too.

Hey, let's all promise that in ten years

from today we'll meet again...

and we'll see what kind of people

we've blossomed into.

- Yeah!

- What time you wanna meet?

- You mean ten years from now?

- Yeah.

Let's meet in the morning

so we can make a day of it.

Okay, so what is it?

Is it like 9:
00 or 9:30?

Let's say 9:
00, that way

we can be here by 9:30.

Why don't we say 9:30,

and then make it your

beeswax to be here at 9:30?

We're gonna be in our late

20's. I don't see any reason

we can't be places on time.

Okay, it's settled.

9:
30 it is.

- All agreed?

- Agreed.

Great, 'cause I have

something at 11:
00.

You've got a trapper keeper

full of appointments, right?

No, I have something at 11:00 that I can't

change 'cause I already moved it twice.

What are you looking at?

Is there a U.F.O. in the sky?

No, no. It's nothing

you need worry about...

Yet.

Andy? Are you

gonna clean that up?

Oh, yeah, I will.

Uh, I just got...

I don't have time now.

Clean it up and come

to my office for the meeting.

I gotta...

Damn!

- Gail, are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm okay.

It's just that

my husband Ron...

You know...

no, he's my ex-husband.

I guess I have

to get used to that.

I have to get used

to saying ex, ex, ex.

He's my ex, ex-husband.

You know, it's just

that I thought, like...

when Jonas and I separated,

I thought everything was lost.

And then I met Ron...

and it just seemed like everything

was gonna work out, you know?

Keep going. We're with you.

I'm a total wreck! I don't even

know where the crayons are.

- I know, I know. Gail, listen to me.

- I'm a loser. What?

- Ron's who he is and you

can't change that. - I know.

Okay?

- Gail, listen to me. Look at me.

- I am.

Gail, look at me.

Gail, look at me.

I want you to say "okay."

- Why?

- I want you to say "okay."

- Okay.

- Okay. Good.

I'd like to take this

opportunity to thank you all...

for making

the last eight weeks,

without rival, the best summer

of my entire life.

Okay, let's get to business.

Coop, the camp goat

took a sh*t in the infirmary.

- I need you to take care of that, please.

- That's impossible!

It is possible, and it happened...

on my shoes.

Abby, bunk 8 wants to watch The China

Syndrome again, so run the betamax.

- Again?

- What can I say? They love it. McKinley.

Four lower campers are stuck in the ropes

course. I meant to tell you yesterday.

Could you get to it now?

And last, but certainly not least,

tonight is the big talent show.

We have a lot of hard work ahead of us.

A few ground rules...

Hey. Hey!

I'm serious here.

I am not joking around.

I am not jok... I am not

Ruth Buzzi standing here.

I am no Ruth Buzzi standing here!

Steve? What you got there?

I have been programmed...

by my galactic master...

not to talk

to earth denizens...

of classifications J.J.

and McKinley-I-zoid.

- Your brother is such a freak.

- I know.

Katie, you're hot, right?

By all accounts, you would be considered

"hot." Is that correct?

Uh, I suppose so.

So if one wanted to be hot and make

a good impression, what would you wear?

You put on a clean pair of pants?

Beth, come on. Pants?

Are you kidding?

Yes. Pants.

Of course I'm kidding.

You didn't get I'm kidding?

Unless you're kidding.

'cause pants, Katie.

Come on, please. Pants.

So would you... slacks? Pants?

I don't know. I think I'd wear

a sexy dress or something.

That? Oh, you're good.

Sexy dress.

Okay. Uh, that's "a."

Um, what else... what else

would one do if one were...

I'd do my hair.

Oh, get out of town!

I'm not getting out of town, and I'm

serious. And I'd use a little mousse.

Moose, as in...

No, as "mousse" for your hair.

Right! Right!

- Okay. Wait a minute, Beth. Are you...

- What?

Huh? What's up?

You dog! You have

a crush on somebody!

- I do have a crush. I just don't

believe he's interested. - What?

Beth, do not worry. Come with me

and I will mousse you up.

Hey, Andy, can I take out the

motorboat and drive around the lake?

- Sure.

- Wow! Thanks.

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