Wet Hot American Summer

1

# Can't you see it's all over #

# For you and me, girl #

# There's a time for love and a

time for letting me be, baby

# Jane, you're playing

a game called #

# How hard you get by

its real name #

# Making believe that you

just don't feel the same #

# Ah, Jane #

Guys, we gotta get outta here.

You guys aren't supposed

to be out of your bunks.

You're in trouble.

Wake up!

# Standing in the

rain with his head hung low #

# Couldn't get a ticket

it was a sold-out show #

# Heard the roar of the crowd

he could picture the scene #

# Put his head to the wall and like a

distant scream # - I'm up!

# He heard one guitar #

# It just blew him away #

You guys!

Let's go, girls!

You look hot.

The bunk 5 boys are gonna freak out

when they see you at kick ball. Let's go.

Ow!

All right, let's go.

Good morning, everybody.

Well, it's the last day of camp...

and it will be sad to shut down

WCFW for the summer.

But not to worry, because those of you in

the Bethesda/Chevy Chase area...

Can hear me all winter long on Jewish Day

School Radio 89.9 F.M...

"The Fox."

For those select few of you

who went all summer,

all eight weeks without finding

that special someone,

today is your day, 'cause you

don't wanna go back home...

and lie to your friends about a summer

romance that didn't even happen.

And you don't want to be

the one person...

who doesn't have anyone to kiss tonight

after the talent show.

So, seize the day, Camp Firewood,

because it's your last.

Coop, do you like watching

me and Andy make out?

No. What a weird thing to say.

- You look so sexy in this sweatshirt.

- Uh-huh.

- Your ass is so hot.

- Stop it!

- Do you want to be my boyfriend?

- No.

I get it. It's very funny. Stop.

Oh, Coop, you know I'm just kidding.

I know, and it's very, very funny.

Okay. I'm sorry.

- Want me to make it up to you?

- No, you've done enough already.

- I'm gonna find you a woman today.

- Honestly, don't worry about it.

No. And I'm not gonna rest until

my mission is accomplished, okay?

Okay. then I'll cancel that

order of onions and Limburger

cheese I made for lunch today.

- Ha-ha.

- Yeah.

- I want you inside me.

- What?

Hey, what's up? I was just...

from before.

Coop, were you just talking to Katie?

What was that?

That was, bar none, the

longest conversation I've had

with her in six years of camp.

Does she want to f*** me? Is that

what she was asking you about?

Because, tell her that I will. In fact...

no, don't tell her that I will.

Tell her that I might.

Victor, I hate to break it to you,

but your name didn't even come up.

She definitely wants to f*** me.

Why else would she be talking to you?

- No offense.

- None taken.

Hello. Hi.

- Uh, hi.

- Hi. I'm Beth.

Nice to meet you. I'm Henry.

I've been seeing you around, so I thought

I'd take a chance...

and introduce myself.

- Thank you.

- So...

So, you work at the camp?

- I'm the camp director.

How about yourself? - Me?

- I don't work over there.

- No, I know.

I'm the director. I would know...

- if you were...

- Right. You would know that.

I teach astrophysics over at the

college in the school year.

And I came here this summer

just to, you know,

relax and reflect.

Wow! You're a professor.

What do you teach?

Well, like I said before, astrophysics.

I study space, stars, comets

and that kind of thing.

"Space...

the final frontier."

Right. Thanks for everything.

Hey! You know what?

It would be a great idea...

if you came by the camp and

taught the campers about space.

- No, I couldn't...

- They'd love it.

No, I couldn't possibly.

- It would be just...

- I said no!

Sorry. that was...

Oh, Coop. Look at Abby.

Oh, she wants to f*** me.

So help me God.

She wants to f*** me.

And this time, Victor, I'm sure it's true.

I have to admit. Abby Bernstein

is one of the only berry bushes...

that I have yet to pollinate,

if you get my meaning.

You mean, she's the only girl at camp

you haven't done it with yet?

That's exactly what I mean.

Hey, Gene. Any mashed potatoes?

Gary! Bring out the taters!

Here they are. Hey, Gary.

- Hey, dude, what's up?

- Hey, guys.

What'd you say, shithead?

I said, "hey, guys."

What's your glitz, Gene?

Listen to me, you f***ed-up little

cigarette-smoking piece of sh*t.

I was in the Vietnam war.

- I know.

- Oh, yeah.

The 'Nam.

Excuse me, ladies. You

may remember me...

as the guy who came to dinner a few

weeks ago with underwear on my head.

My name is Keith Stack.

From Millburn, New Jersey.

State bird:
The Mosquito.

And as you may have heard,

I am recently...

a crowned class-b Dungeon Master.

So if any of you would like

to play "D & D" today,

please speak now or

forever hold your peace.

Anyone?

Alexa, maybe you'd like to join in?

We do need a druid, and

you have definitely cast...

a level-five charm spell on me.

In your dreams, douche bag.

Douche bags are hygienic products.

I take that as a compliment.

- Thank you.

- Ewww! Ewww!

Well, we made it to the end

of the summer in one piece,

Except for a few campers who are lepers.

Good one, Beth.

Thank you, Gene.

Excuse me. Could you tell me where

I could find the, uh...

How do I put this?

The, uh, sci-fi,

nerdy, indoor kids?

- Bunk 3.

- Oh, yeah. thanks.

Hey, guys.

I'm associate Professor Neumann.

Who'd like to spend the last day at camp

doing science projects?

Okay, okay. Okay, cool.

I've seen more f***ed-up sh*t happen

in five minutes out there...

than you'll see in your whole f***ing life.

Gene, I'm really sorry, you know.

If I could change history, I would.

F*** you! We need to make eight gallons

of bug juice by snack hour.

Do you know where

the powder packets are?

In the pantry over the sink, right

next to my bottle of dick cream!

Wait.

Ignore that last comment.

- Did you say dick cream?

- No.

I said stick team.

You know, stickball? Forget about it.

Go away! Leave me alone.

I'm pretty sure he said

dick cream, but...

Victor.

I need you and Neil to take The Eagles out

on Moose river. I made them a promise.

It's the last day of camp.

It's not gonna work for me.

- It's not gonna work for you?

- No.

It's not gonna work for you. Okay,

how about this as a compromise?

The Eagles are going to

go out on Moose river...

- and you and Neil are

going to take them. - What?

Everybody focus up. All eyes here.

I would like to announce that

Ben and I are planning to

produce a musical number...

from godspell for the talent show tonight.

I'm sorry. Ben is producing, I am

directing/choreographing.

I'm speaking from personal experience,

but if you can't carry a tune...

don't come to the audition

and waste our time.

- We're serious.

- And bring a lot of movement clothes,

A.K.A. jazz shoes,

dance belts, lycras, et al.

and seriously, F.Y.I., you guys,

this is not an excuse to get out

of your regular activities.

This is an excuse to do

some good musical theater.

So, be prepared, be enthusiastic...

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