Wet Hot American Summer Page #3

Just make sure you fill it up with gas

when you're done, and watch out...

Yeah, whatever.

Man, I'd give anything for two

minutes in the closet with Lindsay.

- What about Katie?

- Who?

Excellent.

Hey. Whatcha writin' on?

My "gurnal."

I write my thoughts in it every day.

Oh, you mean a journal.

Yeah, whatever.

Guess I'm not all smart like you.

Can I see what you're writing?

Only three people are allowed to

look at this... Me, myself and I.

But I want you to share it with me.

Hey!

Let's see. Debbie Waxman?

No. she makes that weird piggy

face when she talks, you know?

Yeah. okay, good. No piggy face.

- Rachel Schwartz.

- No.

- Come on, she's a slut. She'll go.

- I'll pass.

- Yeah, you're not really a slut type.

- Yes, I am.

I love sluts. Sluts rock.

It's just gotta be the right slut.

What about Susie?

Yeah. I could go for Susie.

She and I went out

my first summer here.

- When you were ten?

- Yeah, we were ten,

But we were into

some heavy sh*t.

Did you go all the way?

You bet we went all the way.

We went all the way back too.

We did doggy style, pony style.

Style council. That's a good band.

They're hot now. Human league.

They have some good stuff.

League of nations. That brings in

the whole thing of united nations.

That brings in the whole

category of countries.

Where to start?

Well, the obvious one.

The birthplace of spaghetti and

pasta, all the oily stuff... Italy.

- Now you go.

- Um...

- How about Italy?

- Yeah, good! It's safe.

I kind of paved the way

with that one, but...

What?

- What?

- Hey, guys.

- Hi, Nancy.

- Hi, Katie.

Coop, goat sh*t.

Whoo-hoo! Ow!

Andy! Help me!

- You french great.

- Andy!

- You're not so bad yourself, Mr. Man.

- Andy, help me!

- I can't swim!

- Cut it out, bobby. You're fine.

For chrissake, Andy,

help me, I'm drowning.

No, you can't hear the ocean, but you

can learn a great deal about our world.

- Hi, guys.

- Hey, Beth.

Like the new look. Tres chic.

- Thank you, Henry.

- Please, call me Henry.

Okay, Henry it is.

I see you decided to come

teach the campers, Henry.

Yeah. I'm sorry

I snapped at you before.

I'm a little shy around children.

But it's been great!

I've got them making miniature

black holes with paper clips and soot.

What you do

is so fascinating!

- You really like astrophysics? - I love it!

It's my biggest hobby. I love it.

Really? Okay. Who's your

favorite astrophysicist?

My fav... I totally know this one.

Okay, any...

- What time is it?

- Um...

9:
00, 9:30.

I'm so late. I have to go

meet Jim... Stansel.

- You know Jim? He's that guy.

- Uh-huh.

- So I'll talk to you later. Okay?

- Okay.

Okay. Okay. Later, then.

Andy, have you seen

my swimming buddy?

Um...

if I can't find him,

I'm telling Beth

that you let him drown.

- I was busy. - It's your job to

make sure kids don't drown.

Lindsay, I need like

20 minutes, all right?

Gotta talk to this kid.

Andy, where are we going?

To a big, secret pizza party.

Wow! Cool. I love pizza.

Yeah, well...

Nancy! Hello.

If I was looking for a book on

astrophysics, where would I find one?

Off the top of my head,

I'd have to say a bookstore.

- Or a library.

- Right.

Just curious. Keep up the good work.

Okay.

Excuse me. Uh, Nancy.

Say I wanted to get a book on, um...

What?

- Camp directing, I guess. Would that be...

- Henry.

Henry! Library.

Ooh. Thank you!

Beth! Beth!

If you're going into town, can you pick

me up something at the drugstore?

Beth, come on. My husband's coming

today and I need some lube.

For my p*ssy.

Oh, cool!

Beth's going into town.

Let's go! Wait, wait!

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

Come on, Coop!

Come on!

Whoo!

Whoo!

# Got a feeling tonight #

# Though her daddy's makin' trouble

it'll be all right #

# I'm working hard

I don't know why #

# I'm like a working-class dog

and I just get by #

# Tonight I'm going out

for a minute #

# You know we're living

on the brink #

# Second by second

by minute by minute #

# Love is all right tonight #

# Love is all right #

# Love is all right #

# Tonight #

Come on.

# All right #

# It's gonna be all right #

# It's gonna be all right #

# It's gonna be all right #

# Love is all right tonight #

# Baby, we're gonna be

all right #

Hey, guys,

how was Waterville?

- It was really fun. - It's always fun

to get away from camp,

even for an hour.

Katie!

I'll see you later maybe?

Definitely.

Guys, wait up!

How far away

is this goddamn river?

It's at least two hours, Vic.

Try to forget about Abby.

I can't, Neil, okay?

This is my only chance.

What are you talking about?

I'm gonna tell you something, but I

swear to God, if you tell anybody...

- I swear to God!

- What? Wha...

- I'm a virgin.

- Wha...

You're joking.

Right, dude?

You're the stallion. You've had

like 50 or 60 women, so I mean...

Actually, it's closer to... zero.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You're a loser.

You are a loser!

Oh, my God. Don't. I...

you're such a loser.

- What?

- What?

You listen to me,

Mr. Kickass.

Mr. Rubber Burner.

You wipe that hotshot grin off

your face or I'll shoot it off you.

You got that? Now finish up them taters.

- I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters.

- Come on. What?

- Finish up the taters.

- Then what did you say?

- Then what did I say? - You said you

were gonna go fondle your sweaters.

I... no, I didn't.

I said I'm gonna

fondue with cheddar.

I was thinking about making fondue with

cheddar cheese for dinner tonight.

- No, Gene, that is not what you said.

- It is what I said.

Fondue with cheddar.

Okay, fine.

Okay, see you later.

See ya.

I'm just gonna stop by

my bunk for a real quick sec.

Maybe you should talk to him.

So rabbi Rothstein says, "sim, sim,

sim, sim, ata..."

Hey, McKinley.

- Did you take that shower yet?

- Yeah, of course.

- Did you?

- No.

Take a shower.

Sorry, folks for the

"coitus interuptus," if you will.

I know you're all hungry

for the picnic,

so don't eat too many

barbecued bovine muscles.

Those being hamburgers.

Thank you.

Gail, if I could just

interject something here.

This is gonna sound like

I'm putting down my own gender,

but the truth is, a lot of the time

men can be real...

and excuse the Yiddish...

insensitive schmucks.

- It's true.

- I know.

I know. It's just that

I'm 34 years old.

You know?

I'm just afraid I'm never

gonna meet anybody.

- Shh. Just breathe. Shh.

- It's so sad.

Breathe. Shh.

Just breathe.

Oh, God!

Your hands are magic.

- There you go.

- You, my friend, are a magician.

Okay!

Everyone! Immediately!

Out of the van.

Get out of the van.

Out. Out.

- What are you doing?

- I'm going back to camp.

- I'll come back in the morning and

pick you up. - Wait a second.

- What, Neil? - Wait a minute.

You can't get there and back by sunup.

I am going to be with Abby

Bernstein tonight. And if you

don't like it, you know what?

You could just go ahead

and f*** yourself!

Hey!

You're making a big mistake,

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