Wet Hot American Summer Page #4

Victor Pulak.

A big mistake.

# Even though

we ain't got money #

# I'm so in love

with you, honey #

# And everything

will bring a chain #

# Of love, yeah #

# In the morning

when I rise #

# Bring a... #

Oh, God!

Oh, sh*t!

Abby!

# In the morning when I rise #

# You bring a tear

of joy to my eyes #

Hey, Abby.

- I thought this was a different bunk.

- No.

- Am I bothering you?

- No, not at all.

You wanna come

sit on the bed?

# Even though

we ain't got money #

# I'm so in love with you, honey #

That sucks!

# And everything

will bring a chain #

# Of love # Wait for me, Abby

Bernstein. Wait for me, my darling.

# And in the morning when I rise #

Wait.

What? What?

I just want to take off my shirt.

- Where are we going?

- I don't know. Victor took the maps.

- Shut up and paddle.

- I want Victor back.

- We all want him back, Sammy, but he's

not coming back. - My name isn't Sammy.

We'll die without him. He's the only

one who can navigate the river.

Fine, you're right.

I'll find the son of a gun.

I'll bring him back here if it's the

last thing I do, dead or alive.

Alive. We want him alive.

Okay. Wait here.

Okay. Okay.

All right.

# I was born

to love I was born to dream #

# The kinkiest boy

you've ever seen #

# I gotta do it my way #

# Or no way at all #

# So why don't you

turn me loose #

# Turn me loose #

# I've gotta do it my way #

# I wanna fly #

Ahh!

Oh, my God!

Look at

Lindsay's chicken wings.

Debbie Epstein has,

like, playboy titties!

- It's just like klute! - Holy sh*t,

you guys! Look, look, look.

Bend over, yes. Take 'em off,

take 'em off. Yes! Yes!

Guys, I'm gonna catch up

with you later, okay?

Dude, that's kind of sad.

He gets so uncomfortable whenever

we talk openly about sexual issues.

You know, he's never

been with a girl before.

McKinley needs

to experience the ultimate.

I think you know

what I'm talking about.

You mean penis in vagina?

No, d*ckhead. Sex.

Oh, oh, oh.

They're total

nymphos! Throw the ball!

Yes!

I'm sure we can convince one of the

girls from bunk 10 to boink McKinley.

They're really horny this summer.

Where did he go, anyway?

- I don't know.

- Probably went to write his mommy

and daddy a letter. - What a fag!

- Who are we gonna set him up with?

- How about Debbie?

- No, she's got mono.

- Right.

- How about Debbie?

- Who?

- You know, Debbie Debbie.

- Oh, Debbie Debbie. No, she's his cousin.

- How about tall Debbie?

- Too tall.

How about Debbie

freeman? She's in heat!

- She wants to french. - No, you

shithead. She wants to get boned.

- Then I want her.

- You're being ridiculous.

I'm not being ridiculous!

I'm just saying I want her.

This isn't about you.

This is about McKinley.

Haven't you been listening to

what we've been saying? We're

trying to get our friend laid.

- Ah! point taken.

- Okay. Tonight...

- Get McKinley laid.

- Come hell or high water?

Secret handshake?

Get McKinley laid!

As everybody knows,

today is the big culminating,

climactic softball game...

- against evil Camp Tiger Claw.

- Boo!

We have put together

an unlikely...

team of misfits, and we've been

training like crazy all summer.

Yeah, it's a motley crew

that you'd think...

would never be able

to win a single game.

We had a kooky training period

where it seemed like...

it seemed like nothing was

gonna go right. But, guys,

somehow we made it

to the finals.

So I say, when those anonymously

evil campers from Tiger Claw get here,

we give it our best shot, and we try to

come from behind at the last minute...

with some weird trick play that we

made up and we win the game.

What do you say, team?

It sounds like

well-worn territory.

The whole thing feels kind of

trite. I say we forget it.

- Is that how everybody feels?

- Yeah.

Well, it's fine with me.

So listen, they just

aren't into it. It's kind of trite.

Yeah, you're right. No problem, man.

It's sort of hackneyed. Tried

and done before.

See you later, man.

It's no big deal.

they were totally cool.

Okay? All right.

Susie is gonna score

with McKinley.

Then he's gonna need some

eyewitnesses for verification.

Let's go!

Why does she still

have her clothes on?

- Looks like she's playing the flute.

- Oh, wow. kinky.

As bared witness

by myself,

All of Camp Firewood and the higher

power, however you define it,

I hereby consecrate

and sanctify the union...

of McKinley and Ben.

May their majestic

and blessed love...

flourish all the days

of their lives.

- Amen.

- Amen.

Amen.

McKinley's a fag.

- McKinley's a fag with Ben!

- What are we gonna do?

Capture the flag!

Hey, aren't you

gonna eat anything?

I'm not hungry.

So, you haven't made many

friends this summer, have you?

No, I have not.

- Let's drop the robot voice, shall we?

- Okay.

- This your first summer here?

- Fifth. You were my counselor...

- three times.

- Now I'm the camp director.

If there's anything I can do to make your

last day more enjoyable, let me know.

Really?

I have an idea. How about

whatever you've been working

on is your talent tonight?

That way, the other campers

can get to know you.

- It's not a song or anything. - It's

okay. I'll have Susie put you on the list.

Oh, God! Thank you!

- How was the waterfront this morning?

- It was good.

We gonna get a chance

to spend time together?

Are you gonna pound this

into my face all day?

Sorry.

Apology accepted.

Guess what. A bunch of us went into town

and got ice cream and hamburgers...

It smells like the ribs are ready.

Beth, I may regret saying this,

- but how dare you usurp my authority

as producer... - Hmpf!

Director/choreographer

of the talent show?

You were wrong

to do that!

I have been busting

my balls, woman!

I am telling you,

the musical numbers are a mess,

my kids are a bunch

of amateurs,

and the last thing I need today

is some diabetic freak...

prancing around on stage

making my life a living hell!

All right, I'll put him last.

Good.

Oh, she always wins!

Don't pick it up, stupid!

Stop picking it up!

You see? this is us,

and we're traveling

around the sun.

That's a 1.3 million mile trip

every year!

Radical.

You might say that

each and every one of us...

is a crew member here

on spaceship earth.

- When would we say that?

- Any time.

Dinner. Literally any time.

You're amazing. I hope I can come to your

college and you can be my professor.

Actually, I, uh...

I'm just an associate professor.

- What does that mean?

- Melvyn!

No, no, it's all right.

it means, Melvyn...

It means that I'm...

less than.

Oh, God!

Hey! What's goin' on?

Hey, Beth. We're just

having ourselves a little cry.

I know what

this group needs.

How 'bout we grab some lunch and

watch the "capture the flag" game?

- What do you say?

- I think we'll take a rain check, Beth.

- We're in the middle of some pretty

interesting stuff. - I'll make you a deal.

You come watch the "capture the

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