Wet Hot American Summer Page #5

flag game" with the normal kids,

and then you can have the whole rest

of the day to learn about planets, stars,

pulsars, heliocentricity,

gravitational collapse...

and the science

of celestial mechanics...

as shown through the work of

the 19th century scientists...

Alexis Clairaut, Jean d'Alembert

and Pierre Laplace.

- Okay? Ready?

- Okay!

Break!

Gee, I was really impressed by some

of the stuff you said back there.

- Oh, it was... - No, Beth, you

know what you're talking about.

I don't know where you find the

time to learn about astrophysics.

I mean, with camp payroll

and insurance to deal with.

Keeping parents happy,

supervising a young staff.

- Keeping everyone fed.

- Wow.

It was in 1908 that the first

American summer camps

were founded in the Catskills.

- Is there any more corn?

- What?

- More corn.

- Oh, dude.

- You got...

- What, dude?

What? What are you doing

with your hand?

On your face. You, uh...

Cat got your tongue, Andy?

What is it?

You have barbecue sauce

all over your face.

- I know that. So?

- It's pretty foul.

It's just barbecue sauce.

Come on. I wanna make out.

Okay, but not here.

What's it like being a professor?

- What do they say, "publish or perish"?

- Well, perish mostly.

I'm up for tenure

this fall.

If I don't make my mark soon,

I could end up out of work.

But you're so talented!

Tell that to my dean.

Okay. Okay, what's his address?

You serious?

56 Linden Lane.

- Okay. City?

- God, you're really... Augusta.

- State? - I can't believe...

well, Maine, of course.

- ZIP?

- This is... 04139.

- Does he have an apartment number?

- No!

Beth, this is incredible. I don't

know how to thank you.

You already have, Henry.

You already have.

This is crazy.

This is crazy.

That's it, Lars.

Good. Keep your feet together.

You got it. Good.

Aah!

You taste like a burger.

I don't like you anymore.

Whatever!

Damn it!

Is it my turn yet?

So, this is where I come

when I want to think.

Wow!

It's very...

Barn-like.

You know, it's weird, Coop.

I was supposed to be in the woods

with Andy this afternoon, but...

Oh. I'm sorry. We can go back.

We should go back.

No, no! It's okay.

I can see him later.

Give me your hand.

It's cold.

Yeah. I'm freezing.

Do you want

my sweatshirt?

Do you mind?

Okay, Coop, now I'm colder than

I was before when I said I was cold.

Well, do you want my flannel?

Yeah.

This is cool! It's really a

great shirt. I love it.

It's my favorite shirt.

So... you're gonna have

to give it back.

Now?

Yeah.

What are we doing?

- Do you mean like switching our shirts?

- No.

What are we doing?

I don't know.

Okay, so I'm Ron and I'm calling you.

Here we go. Ring, ring.

Hello?

Hi, Gail.

It's me, Ron.

Hi, Ron. What do

you want? Um, well...

I'm ready to give our marriage

another shot. What do you say?

Um...

Be strong, Gail!

- No.

- No, Ron, it's over.

Good-bye.

Hi, mom. Could you get dad?

Just get him.

Hi, dad. Okay, are you

guys sitting down?

I met somebody. Well, she's got

this other boyfriend,

but, well, it's just a matter

of time, I think.

Her name is Katie,

and she's really great.

And, um... what?

I don't think so.

She might be.

She's got a pretty big nose.

Well, I know how you guys worry that

I have trouble meeting girls.

And I'm just saying,

worry no more.

Well, I should get going.

she's probably looking for me.

Okay, I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.

Bye-bye.

This feels so good.

Maybe you shouldn't jump

the gun just yet, Coop.

Very good, very good.

A-plus for comedy, Beth.

Ruth Buzzi better watch

her back.

Beth!

"Jump the gun."

# Day by day #

# Day by day #

Okay, stop! I feel like I'm watching

regional theater, you guys.

God, am I at the Cleveland

playhouse or something?

Your craft is a muscle!

You need to exercise it!

Take a break! Think about

what you've done.

Gee, Susie, have you

seen Katie anywhere?

No. why?

No particular reason. But if you see her,

will you tell her I'm looking for her?

- Sure.

- Okay.

All right, with passion!

Katie! Are you in here?

Oh, hi.

Um, I want to talk

to you later, okay?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Dinner!

- Have you seen J.J. and Gary? Do you

know where they are? - Don't know.

I'm a little worried they might have

found out about us. - Hey!

McKinley and Ben!

This is for you.

It's a chaise lounge.

We didn't know if maybe you

guys already had one. We

have the receipt if you do.

No, we don't have one. Thank you!

It goes with the chenille throw

cloth Beth's sister gave us.

Okay, everybody, attention.

I've got an announcement.

I know you're all getting ready

for the big talent show tonight,

but the following campers

need to put their trunks out...

so the early bus to Boston

can pick them up at 7:30 a.m.

Amanda Klein, Jessica Azaria,

Ira Stevenberg, Sol Zimmerstein,

uh, David... Ben Gurion.

Cookin' slop for the grunts

in 'Nam was easier than this.

We had no place being over there.

It was a war we couldn't win, Gene.

Yeah, well I'm gonna go

smear some mud on my ass.

What?

I said, "I hear

my bud's in class."

I gotta go and call my bud

and see how his grades are.

- I, I gotta go. go away, leave

me alone. - Gene, hold on.

Look, I don't care what you do in your

private time, but don't lie about it.

I mean, you clearly said,

"smear mud on my ass."

And I'll tell you something.

If you wanna smear mud on your ass,

smear mud on your ass.

Just be honest about it.

Look, Gene, I've never

told anyone this before.

But I can suck my own dick.

And I do it.

A lot.

There, I said it.

I was honest.

And you know what, Gene?

Being honest

makes you feel better.

Hey, Katie, wait.

I'm sorry about before.

- I hope that wasn't bad timing.

- No.

- Coop, we have to talk.

- Sure.

I was thinking that what happened

between us before was a mistake.

- And, uh...

- What?

I wasn't thinking straight.

It was wrong.

No, it wasn't wrong.

Katie, why are you doing this?

I'm really sorry.

Come on!

This is a joke, right?

I have a boyfriend, Coop.

And I can't... I can't do

this. I'm sorry.

Wait, Katie!

When we first started hanging

out together this morning...

we were just friends.

But things change, and I've

fallen in love with you.

And I just, I just know

that if you gave me a chance,

I could make you feel so good.

So I'm coming to you,

not as your buddy,

and not as a co-counselor,

but for the first time as a man.

A man who loves a woman,

and who wants to hold her,

and provide for her,

and, yes, have sex with her.

But, seriously, Katie,

I love the way you laugh.

And I love the way

your hair smells.

And I love it that sometimes for

no reason, you're late for shul.

And I don't care that

you're bowlegged and bilingual.

All I know is I would have said "no"

to every person on your list...

because I've always

wanted you.

Coop, I don't know

what to say.

Coop, wait!

Rachael Clipperhofferman,

- Steven Schenk...

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