Wet Hot American Summer Page #6

- Beth!

- Can I make a quick announcement

before we finish up? - Sure thing.

I want to thank all of you

for a terrific summer.

Cooking for all you

nice people...

has really helped me get over the

fact that I fought in the Vietnam war.

Have a great winter!

I'm gonna go hump the fridge!

What?

Yes, folks, it's true. I said,

"I'm gonna go hump the fridge."

What you may not know is that

I also own a bottle of dick cream.

I fondle my sweaters, and I often

like to smear mud on my ass.

You're probably asking yourselves,

"isn't he a weirdo,

outcast, loose cannon?"

Maybe. I don't think so.

I want to introduce you guys

to someone. This is my friend.

I don't know who he is,

but I do know this.

At a time when I was trying

to hide myself from myself,

He was there to show me a new way.

Because I couldn't hide from him.

And I can be proud of who I am.

I put it to you, Camp Firewood,

As we spend our last dinner together:

Be proud of who you are!

Look at me, ma!

I made it! I'm okay!

Now, if you don't mind,

I have some unfinished

business to attend to.

Great!

Hey! Hey!

You f***in' a**holes!

Let me go!

No! No! No!

Please, stop!

No, no, no!

No! No!

Oh, Henry,

I'm so happy.

But what will become

of us tomorrow?

Hey, you. Penny for your thoughts.

Beth, tomorrow's

the least of our problems.

Don't tell me. Don't even

tell me you have crabs.

No. Well, yes,

but that's not the point.

- What is the point? - This isn't the

time or the place to discuss it.

Beth, meet me at the picnic table in

ten seconds. I'll tell you all about it.

Okay.

Beth, hello. Thanks for coming.

Let's get right to it.

You may recall ten seconds ago, I asked

you to join me here by the picnic table...

so I could tell you what's going on.

Well, earlier today, I saw what I

thought was possibly a planet,

also possibly a meteor

in the evening sky.

I now believe that object

was none other...

than a renegade piece of Skylab,

the NASA space station.

- And it's heading right for the camp.

- Oh, my God!

And there's more. We have

no way of pinpointing exactly

where it's going to land.

- It could kill us all!

- Jesus!

Wait a minute! There

might be a way...

to build a homemade

Skylab tracking device!

- Which accomplishes? - We could

surmise the location of impact.

We could avert a tragedy on

the scale of the Hindenburg.

- Beth, will you help us?

- Anything you need.

Let's do it!

Hey, Andy?

- Can I talk to you for a second?

- Sure.

- Okay, well...

- Time's up.

You said a second.

- I want to ask you something. - So you

want to talk for more than a second?

- Yeah.

- What is it then? like a couple minutes?

- No. yeah, at most, say, like

three minutes. - Fine.

- Do you really love Katie?

- Not really.

Because I really

love her, man.

And if you have one ounce of decency,

you will do the right thing and let her go.

- No way!

- No way?

F*** no, dude. She's hot!

In fact, f*** off.

I will not f*** off.

You're making a really

big mistake, buddy,

because that woman

is not your plaything.

Coop, seriously...

F*** off.

- I'm sick of talking about this with you.

- God!

Whoa!

So this is the Skylab

tracking device?

Is this gonna save

my camp?

I don't know. But if it does,

we'll all be heroes.

In fact, I just got word

that if we pull this off,

I could be up for the Hopkins

prize for physics.

The Hopkins! Baby, what a dream.

You'll finally get your tenure.

Be proud of who you are.

Huh?

- Gene?

- Shh.

- It isn't about the girl.

- It isn't?

Well, it is,

but see if you

can follow me here.

It...

isn't.

Oh.

So it is and it isn't.

You are ready to be taught

the new way.

Will you help teach me

about this...

What is it?

a "new way"?

# Show me the fever #

# Into the fire

taking it higher and higher #

# Nothing to fear

it's only desire #

# Taking it higher and higher #

# Whoo-hoo-hoo #

# Higher, higher #

# Show me the fever #

# Into the fire

taking it higher and higher #

# Nothing to fear

it's only desire #

# Taking it higher and higher #

# Whoo-hoo #

Abby.

Abby. Abby, my lover,

my friend. Abby!

- Hey, Neil, what's up?

- Victor abandoned the raft trip,

and now the kids are about to

go over devil's canyon rapids!

- Where did he go?

- He wanted to get back to camp.

So you left the campers

alone on the river?

Only Victor knows how

to navigate those rapids.

We've got to find him and get him

back to that river.

It's him!

Victor! Victor!

- We lost him, goddamn it!

- I've got him!

- Where is he?

- He's calling from inside the camp.

The only other phone is in

the infirmary! We gotta go!

Ahhh.

Beth, what's the matter?

The phone! Where's

the f***ing phone?

In the back room.

We're losing time!

My baby!

I want to make love to you!

Abby!

Abby?

Moose?

Um, you're gonna think

this is so shallow,

- but what was your name again?

- Oh, my God.

Do you have any idea...

what I had to go through

to see you?

You snooze, you lose, dude.

Victor Pulak, there's a raft of campers

about to go over devil's canyon rapids!

Are you gonna be part of the

problem, or are you the solution?

Let's go.

Let's go!

Here we go.

- Oh, f*** my cock!

- What does it say?

According to this readout, Skylab is

going to land directly on the rec hall.

Oh, no. When?

- Sometime in the next 90 minutes.

- Oh, my God!

- That's only one mix tape.

- The talent show's starting right now!

- Good evening, Firewood!

- Are you ready for some talent?

- Beth, we have to evacuate the

rec hall immediately! - Yeah.

Victor!

Come on!

Stand back.

Whoa! Whoa!

You're a master, Vic.

What the... what the fu... what?

You're doing it.

You're actually doing it.

Oh! You saved them!

You saved them!

Victor Pulak,

You're okay by me.

I'm okay, you're okay.

And Neil, next time we go

camping, you drive the Van.

I wish there was another way.

Maybe we should just let them die.

No! My friend,

Jimmy's, in there.

- You have a friend?

- I'm kidding.

Wait a minute.

- No.

- What?

Well, there might be a way that

we could use our device...

to slightly change

its direction, but...

no, it's impossible.

Why? What's the problem?

In order to do it, we would

somehow have to be able...

to repeatedly generate random

numbers between one and twenty...

in order to calibrate

the deferential.

That would take some sort of

super mainframe computer

and we don't have one.

So all is lost.

No, it's not.

Any dungeon master

worth his weight in geldings...

goes nowhere without his...

20-sided die.

I'd like to introduce us

to the emcee for the evening.

We brought him all the way

from Kutscher's Country Club

in the Catskill mountains.

Wait!

I have some bad news!

And my bad news is...

and my bad news is... there is

no bad news. I was just joking.

Good one, Beth.

Let's give a Firewood welcome

to Mr. Alan Shemper!

Thank you very much.

Hello, Camp Firewood.

Thank you for having me.

I went to sleep-away camp so

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