Wet Hot American Summer Page #7

long ago that it was the stone age.

Seriously, it wasn't

the stone age.

It was the ice age!

No, really, it was the stone age.

But, folks,

actually I went

to camp Machnudin...

in the pine hills

of Westchester, New York.

And that was so long ago...

for breakfast we had to eat

scrambled pterodactyl eggs...

and Raptor bacon!

Back then we didn't

have cots, we had slabs.

Instead of sleeping bags,

we had sleeping pelts.

Our first act hails

all the way from over in bunk 2.

And his name is Roger,

The Master Broom Balancer.

Holy cow!

Right here, right here.

Let's pray to God

this works.

# Love will pervade us

till death separates us #

# We're friends

friends, friends #

That's from us

to bunk 7!

- Nine or six, what was it?

- Nine!

Okay. We're getting closer.

Give me another. Seven.

White folks are so stupid

when they get mad.

They be like, "hey, a**hole,

I'm going to kick your behind."

But the brothers don't even need

to raise their voice.

These motherfuckers be like,

"don't make me say it twice."

That's true,

that's true.

I hate white people!

Be that as it may, this next act

is a guy named Bert Flugalman.

But it says here

that you all know him as...

Mooooose!

Gail.

- Gail.

- Ron.

What are you doing here?

I've been thinking

about you a lot.

And I want you back.

Ron... I love you,

and I want to be with you,

but...

I've just had too many

woulda-coulda-shouldas in my life.

Well, I'm just...

I'm just sick and tired of being

sick and tired, you know?

And if you can't handle that,

then to hell with you!

You'll come back to me, Gail.

I know you will.

I don't think so,

Ronald von Kleinenshtein.

I really don't think so.

And now, Camp Fizzie-poo,

performing the song...

"Day by day" from

the musical godspell,

is Susie's drama group.

Before we start,

I'd just like to say...

that the campers you're

about to see suck dick.

Nevertheless, please welcome them.

# Day by day #

# Day by day #

# Oh, dear Lord

three things I pray #

# To see thee more clearly #

# To love thee more dearly #

# Follow thee more nearly #

# Day by day #

# Day by day #

# Day by day #

# Day by day #

# Oh, dear Lord

three things I pray #

# To see thee more clearly #

# Love thee more dearly #

# Follow thee more nearly

day by day #

# Day by day by day

by day by day #

Boo!

Well, well, well,

I can honestly say...

that there is

no Broadway ditty...

closer to my heart than the one

you just heard, "day bidet."

Give me another.

- Twenty.

- There's not much time left.

When I was at camp, my favorite

activity was always arts and crafts.

Or as we used to call it,

arts and "farts" and crafts.

We used to make drawings.

Cave drawings!

Which is my way of saying

we were cavemen.

I went to camp so long ago

that I can remember saying...

"Sticks and stones may break

my bones," and meaning it!

I went to camp so long ago that

f***ing Jesus Christ was my counselor!

And my best friend

hadn't fully evolved yet.

His name was Ugh,

and he walked on all fours!

There were two epidemics

when I went to camp.

Head lice and the plague...

the bubonic plague.

# When you look into his eyes #

# It comes to you

as no surprise #

# I was the same #

Katie, I came here

to tell you I'm leaving.

- Uh, what?

- Yeah.

I've grown up a lot since before

dinner when we last talked.

- Where are you going?

- I don't know.

Maybe see the world. I got a couple

more weeks before school starts.

- But...

- Hey.

I want you to have this.

Hurry up! I think I can see it

coming towards us!

And finally, ladies and germs,

is a dude...

who goes by the name

of... "Steve."

Let's give him a hand.

Come on, do something.

Or get the f*** off the stage!

Is that wind?

Oh, my God.

Coop?

Coop, Coop, don't leave.

Coop!

Coop, I love you!

Yeah, I didn't know it until

this very moment for sure,

but now I know, and it feels like

nothing I've ever known before.

It feels so good.

I love you.

# Show me the fever #

# Into the fire

taking it higher and higher #

# Nothing to fear

it's only desire #

# Taking it higher and higher #

# Into this fever

into this fire #

# Taking it higher and higher #

# There's nothing evil #

# Taking it higher and higher #

How do I know it's real this time?

Because I'm telling you.

That's all I can do.

I love you.

- Say it again. - I love you,

I love you, Gerald Cooperberg!

# Show me the fever #

# Into the fire

taking it higher and higher #

It's working!

Way to go, guys!

Beth, we did it.

Whoo!

Baby, that was beautiful!

You better write to me.

I'm gonna miss you so much!

Beth! Beth!

I got it!

The Hopkins award!

And, NASA's hiring me to go to work

for them at Cape Canaveral, Florida.

I'll have

a whole new life!

That's wonderful.

I knew this would happen. I would meet

you, fall in love and you would leave me.

Wait, hold on, Beth.

I've already told them,

I need an apartment

for two people.

- And they'll fly you back here

every summer. - F*** you!

And, Beth, I know we've been

having trouble with, you know...

but I was thinking when the

time comes, we can adopt.

Shh. It's happened.

I'm pregnant.

We're gonna have a baby.

Oh. Oh, baby!

- Good-bye, Beth.

- Oh, hey!

Looks like everything

worked out for you two.

Yeah, it's the best thing that's

ever happened in my life.

I hope you like shrimp cocktail,

because we want you...

to be the guest of honor

at our wedding next week.

We would be delighted.

But I hope it's not Jumbo shrimp...

because I'm allergic to oxymorons.

- Bye.

- Bye.

We saved everyone's life

and they'll never know it.

I almost like it better

that way.

It was us rolling the dice

that diverted it, right?

- Not the enormous gust of wind, right?

- Right.

I feel like this entire summer,

which kind of sucked,

has been rejuvenated by the

events of the past 24 hours.

Yeah, it's like...

well, forget it.

- You know what?

- What?

You guys are my best friends.

Well, my only friends.

- Yeah.

- Nanoo-nanoo.

- So, this is it, babe.

- Yep.

So, obviously I think we should get

together in the city next weekend.

- I'll call my parents, and you can

talk to your dad and Kim. - Listen.

Last night was really great. You were

incredibly romantic and heroic.

No doubt about it.

And that's great.

But I've thought about it,

and my thing is this:

Andy's really hot. And don't

get me wrong, you're cute too.

But Andy is like cut from

marble. He's gorgeous.

He's like this beautiful face

and this incredible body,

and I genuinely don't care

that he's kind of lame.

I don't even care

that he cheats on me.

And I like you more than

I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16.

And maybe it will be a different story

like when I'm ready to get married.

But right now, I'm entirely

about sex. I just want Andy.

- Yeah.

- I wanna take him,

And grab him and just f***

his brains out, you know?

So that's where my

priorities are right now.

Sex. Specifically with Andy

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