What About Dick? Page #7

- Yes, yes, I think that's quite enough

single entendre's for now, Signor.

Come on, Helena, let's

freshen up while they

unload our baggage.

- Blimey!

Look at that statue, Ken.

- That bloke's not wearing any underpants.

- That's Michaelangelo's David.

- Michaelangelo's dick, more like.

- Yeah.

Scusi, Signore.

- Yeah, delivery's are around the back.

- Oh, charming.

- You bloody Italians,

should be ashamed of

yourselves, all these naked statues.

Have you Italians never

heard of underpants?

- What's he saying?

- He says you condescending

English bastards,

I invite you to pull your

foreskin over your heads

and give yourself an

enema with a wine bottle.

May you sleep in sheep sh*t

and your sphincter become

a highway for Australian rugby players.

- Blimey, I never knew you spoke Italian.

- I learned it on the train.

- What is it you two idiots want?

- Oy, don't you get lippy with us, mate.

Who do you think you are?

- You arrogant, English pigs.

You come from a miserable island,

it rains every day where

the men are pederasts

and the women are frozen

from the waist down.

You have no cheese, you

have no wine, no olive oil,

no garlic, you cannot

play football and your

music is all poo.

- Oh yeah, yeah well,

that's where you're wrong,

Mister, ice cream selling

bloody fascist wop.

Cause we have brought a piano

for Miss Helena to play.

- What?

The bella signorina with

the lovely swishy hair?

- That's the one.

- Well, oh, mi apologia,

I invite you to stay,

for dinner and anal sex.

- Ken?

- Dinner would be nice.

- Yeah.

- Oh, I am so very happy.

At last I have my own piano.

One day some lovely fellas

Going too show me his umbrella

But until that day

Ill play upon my pi-an-o

If he's jealous

Of the fellas

Who have shown me their umbrellas

He'll be happy when I let him

Touch my pi-an-o

My Pi-an-o

My pi-an-o

It's such a lovely instrument

And I really love it so

My pi-an-o

My pi-an-o

Who wouldn't like to play

Upon my pi-an-o

From Florence down to Napoli

The men behave unhappily

If they can't get a

glimpse of my sweet pi-an-o

The Frenchmen and the Dutchmen

Always shout and yell

How much then

But I won't let them touch me

Like my pi-an-o

My pi-an-o

My pi-an-o

Tickling the ivories

I really love it so

My pi-an-o

I so adore

I'll play with it all night and day

Until I get too sore

Her pi-an-o

Her pi-an-o

Who wouldn't like a go

Upon her piano

The British upper classes

Can all shove it up their asses

For the poor and struggling masses

Have no pi-an-o

- What a lucky, lucky old piano

- Leonard Bastard.

What on earth are you doing in Italy?

- I walked.

- But, that's almost 900 miles.

- 903, actually.

- Is your wife here?

- No, she couldn't get away.

- You tied her up.

- No, she's helping McGuffin

with his Dick problem.

- How?

- Well, she's a professional ass reader

and she has some information that may be

helpful to the police.

- Oh gosh, really?

I have judged her too harshly as a

worthless slut who trapped you into an

unhappy marriage.

- No, no.

She is a worthless slut who trapped me

into an unhappy marriage but she is a very

fine ass reader.

- Leonard, I have been less

than generous with you.

I want you to play with me.

- What?

- On the piano.

- When?

- Right now.

- Let's go.

- Oh, good grief.

Close your eyes Mr. Whoopsie.

You're a clergyman.

- What is going on?

- Helena is playing a piano in public with

a mad man of The Working Classes.

- How shameful!

Unprotected Beethoven.

- Whatever are we to do?

- Russell brothers, pick up the piano.

We must all go home at once.

- Who is it?

- Open the door, Emma.

I must see you at once.

- Hang on a minute.

Why, Mr. Hudson.

- Thank God, you're here.

- Mr. Hudson, you're in

a state of some emotion.

- I'm sorry, these are new trousers,

just breaking them in for a friend.

- What are you doing in a house, alone,

with a woman whose Aunt

and Sister have not

yet returned from Italy

and with no one around to

notice if you were to

accidentally slip upstairs

with a hair brush?

- No, I have something

terribly serious to tell you.

My wife is dead.

- For real?

- Yeah.

- How did she die?

- An unfortunate brush with rat poison.

She apparently mistook it for sugar.

- It's easily done.

- I blame myself.

- Oh, it could happen to

anyone with an unwanted wife.

- I wasn't there, you see.

I was in Manchester.

It was a rubber thing.

- A perfectly reasonable alibis.

- Yes, the police suspect foul play.

They think the same man who had done it to

Dick has gone and done it to her.

I'm sorry, I seem to have lost control

of my tongue.

- Am I making you nervous?

- Standing in the

doorway in a nightie with

a light behind you, nervous

isn't quite the word.

- I know what you'd like.

- Really?

- A nice cup of tea.

- Uh, it's close.

- Oh I love the way he

stares at me when we're

making tea.

I know exactly what he's thinking.

- I know exactly what I'm thinking.

- He can read me like a book.

- I can read her like a book.

- The Big Boy's Book of Fairies.

- 107 nasty positions to do it.

- He seems to know exactly what I'd like.

- I know exactly what she'd like.

- I'd like to play tiddlywinks.

- She wants to be shagged senseless.

- Then supper at the Ritz

and afterwards, dancing.

- Then up to the bathroom

for a good scrubbing.

- What?

- With a stiff Loofah

rag and scrubbing with

a soapy tub of water til

she blushes naked all

over with that pale, delicate skin.

- Good heavens.

- I wanna kiss your warm, soapy buttocks,

- Oh!

- probing deeper and deeper--

- Oh!

- Stroking and spanking

and kneading and plunging

- and thrusting.

- Oh!

Turn you over then

plunging and thrusting you

- Oh!

- like a giant glob of

internal combustion engine

- oh, oh.

- buzzing haplessly like

a bee in a bottle and

- Ohhhh!

- screaming like a monkey on speed.

- Ooooohhhhh!

- Emma, dear!

- Oh!

- We're back from Italy.

- Oh!

- Emma, Emma!

- Good grief!

- Ohhh!

- what's happening?

- Oooh ooooh!

- Is she alright?

- Oh, I'd say so.

- Ohhhhhh!

- What is happening to her?

- Emma is having an emotion.

Italy had worked it's gay magic.

And the English were now

all caring and sensitive.

Dick was on everyone's lips.

We shall skip World

War I, which was mainly

about a horse and move on to August...

1929 when Aunt Maggie went to visit Dick.

But when she arrived at the Royal Hospital

for the Extremely Mad,

she was in for a surprise.

- You've a visitor, Dick.

- Has there been any

change in his condition?

- Alas, Madam, there is none.

- Allow me to present Deepak

Rushdie Obi Ben Kingsley.

Visiting professor of psycho

babble at the University

of Virginia Woolf.

- Oh, I read about him

in the rubber ware news.

It seems you are the

inventor of the American

Happy Boy.

- That is I, myself, good lady.

- Oh, it has relieved many of my emotions.

- Well, I am proud to

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